Rev Up Your Day

Feels like Home

2008-11-06T12:46:00.002-06:00

“Come on, Ben. I think you’re great. I just, well, I just don’t know.

“You just what, Addy?”

“I haven’t really ever thought of you like that. You really took me by surprise kissing me like that yesterday, and I don’t really know how to respond.”

“You can’t tell me that you never knew how I felt about you. You had to have known. It was apparently pretty obvious to everyone else.”
“I don’t know. I guess I got the impression now and then but I didn’t really think much of it. I had a fiancé. I was getting married. I wasn’t thinking about other guys. I’m still not. I don’t want to shut the door but I’m not sure the door is open yet at this point. It’s been a rough few months, really really rough. I just need some time to get myself back together before I can explore anything with anybody.”

“Okay.” Ben said as he reached for the knob. I reached out and touched his hand.

“Stay. Please.”

“And do what? Pretend that I don’t want to touch you? Pretend that I’m not dying to kiss you? It’s not that easy.”

“How about we compromise?”
“What? How do you propose we do that?”

“We watch the movie and do a little – a little – cuddling. But no kissing. And no inappropriate touching. Or at least not much.” I said winking at him flirtatiously.

He grinned. “I think I can accept that. The not much part anyway.” He winked back. We put the movie in, moved to the couch and I settled in to his arms. It felt strangely familiar like I had been doing it for years. Sometime during the movie and before the credits I dozed off and apparently Ben did too. The next thing I know I woke up and looked at the clock on the DVD player. 3:07.

I guess my movement woke Ben because he began stirring as well. He pulled me closer to him and squeezed my hand. A minute later he opened his eyes.

“Addy? What time is it? Is the movie over? I don’t even remember falling asleep.”

“It’s 3 in the morning, Ben.”

“Shit.” He sat up and ran his hands through his hair. “I guess I better get going.” He started to get up but I motioned for him to stay seated.

“Why don’t you just stay here tonight? It’s late and you’ve been asleep. Would that be okay?”

He grinned. “If I didn’t know you, Addy, I’d think you were trying to get me in bed with you.”

I laughed coyly. “Oh, you wish. I’ll just bring you some blankets and you can sleep on the couch.”

“Ouch. I knew that was coming. I guess beggars can’t be choosers. I’ll take what I can get. Just knowing you’re in the same house is enough.” He winked and settled back onto the couch. I grabbed some blankets and a pillow from the linen closet and brought it to him. I laid them on top of him as his left eye opened to look at me. He reached out and grabbed me by the waist pulling me on top of him. I plopped over him catching my breath.

“Did I ever tell you how beautiful you look tonight? Because you do.”
“Oh, stop it. My hair – it’s a mess. I’ve been sleeping.”

“Sleeping beauty,” he said as he ran his hand over my hair and tucked a stray piece behind my ear. His hand floated down and lightly grasped my chin. My breath caught in my throat. He leaned forward and kissed me ever so gently. It was light; it was soft but with just a tough of male desire. I gasped. I leaned back and he rolled over onto his side.

“Good night, Addy.” And a few seconds later he was snoring softly. I watched over him for a few minutes before making my way up to my own room and bed still slightly unsettled and unsure of just what exactly Ben had aroused in me. One thing was for sure – he had certainly aroused something and it felt good. Really good.

Just Friends

2008-11-06T12:46:00.001-06:00

I was relieved when a knock on the door interrupted.

“That better not be Brad again,” Ben piped up following behind me as I went to open the door. I swung it open and my heart sunk. Gina stood in front of me looking like she had just seen a ghost.

“Gina, it’s not what it looks like…”

“What is it that it’s supposed to look like? A cozy evening at home? Because that’s exactly what it looks like to me. Here I am coming over to talk to you thinking that maybe we could commiserate a little bit about being dumped and you’ve moved in on my man. I thought we were friends, Addy.”

“We are friends, Gina. Please let me explain.”
“What is there to explain?” Gina asked looking from me to Ben and back again.

“Gina, please don’t be mad at Addy. She had a bad week. I came over to cheer her up and keep her away from Brad. She did nothing wrong.”

“What about you, Ben? Did you do something wrong? Like, I don’t know, pine after Addy the entire time we were together? You were all too eager to become a free man when Addy came back on the market. A little too convenient, don’t you think?”

“You’ve got it wrong,” I butted in. “We’re friends. That’s all. Right, Ben?” I looked up at him and he looked back at me with utter disappointment behind his eyes.

“Just friends. That’s right. That’s all.” His shoulders slumped.

“That look told me all I need to know,” Gina said as she turned and stormed off. I started to go after her but then stopped. I would let her cool off and call her tomorrow and try to smooth things over. Gina and I hadn’t been friends for long but since Ben and her had been dating we had become fairly close. I didn’t have a lot of female friends so it was nice to have a girl to go shopping and just share things with. I didn’t want to lose that female companionship.

I looked over and Ben was putting on his coat.

“What’s going on? Where are you going?”
“I think I should go home,” he said not looking directly at me.

“But why? We haven’t even watched our movies yet.”

“I just think it would be for the best.”

“Is this about what I said to Gina – about us being just friends? I didn’t mean to hurt you; I just…”

“You just were telling the truth, right? We are just friends. That’s all. You don’t return any of the feelings I have for you, do you?”

Starting Fresh?

2008-11-06T12:45:00.000-06:00

He sat there for about 10 seconds stumped before the light bulb came on.

“Shit, Addy. I wasn’t thinking. Do you want me to return them and get something else?”
“No, no. I just found it ironic that I am in my plight because my fiance’s mistress got knocked up and you got two movies about girls that get knocked up. Nice.”

He laughed this time. “Man, I am such a loser. I should just cut my losses now, huh? Wow. I’m pathetic with women. Always have been, probably always will be.”

“Not true. Gina apparently thought you were charming. She lived with you after all for, what, six months?”

“Yea I guess so. Maybe. She didn’t cry when I broke up with her though. She acted strangely relieved. Maybe that should have told me something.”

“No way. She probably just knew it wasn’t right. Girls have a sixth sense about those kind of things even if they don’t want to admit it.”

“If you had this sixth sense, why didn’t you sniff Brad out sooner?”

“Like I said sometimes we just don’t want to admit it. It’s easier to be with somebody that maybe isn’t right than to have to start fresh with somebody new.”

We sat there in awkward silence for a minute or two.

“Are you ready to start fresh, Addy?” Ben finally asked breaking the silence. I stared up at him unsure of how to respond. I didn’t want to push Ben away but I also wasn’t sure about him, about the situation, about anything really and the last thing I wanted to do was lose a friend after everything else.

“I’ll start the movie,” I said finally choosing that no answer was the best answer. I jumped up, grabbed the movie off the coffee table and started around Ben. He stood up blocking my path.

“Addy, I need an answer. Are you ready to start fresh?”

Movie Night

2008-11-06T12:44:00.000-06:00

We stood there like that for a couple minutes before I finally stepped back and motioned for him to sit down.

“So what movies do you have there?”

“2 Fast. 2 Furious.”

“Are you kidding me?”

“What you don’t like action movies? Come on – Vin Diesel and Paul Walker star in this one. I know they are in your top 3.”

“And how do you know that?”

“I know things about you. Plus you told me.” He smiled goofily.

“You’re a quack,” I punched him lightly in the shoulder. “I hope you didn’t really get 2 Fast 2 Furious or I’m going to send you packing behind Brad.”

“Now would you really do that to me?” he asked then laughed. “Yes, you would. Okay okay. Lucky for me, I’m safe. I got funny movies. I figured you could use a good laugh. What do you think about Juno and Knocked Up?”

I began to laugh and couldn’t stop. I had tears running down my cheek when I stopped. Ben sat there unsure of what was going on or why I was so amused.
“What?” he finally asked when I stopped laughing long enough to respond.

“Do you notice any kind of recurring theme in those movies? One that might hit a little close to home?”

Coming Clean

2008-11-06T12:43:00.000-06:00

“I’m sorry you had to be here for that,” I told him.

“I’m not. That guy’s a creep. I can’t believe you were ever going to marry him.”

I shrugged. “I guess I have bad judgment in men. I think it’s a requirement for women to like the bad boys. I know I always have.”

“Well, I guess I better rough up my image a little,” he said as he moved in to kiss me. I stepped back and threw my arm out.

“Whoa.”

“I’m sorry,” he said as he ran a hand through his hair. “That was too soon, huh? A little weird?”
“Yea, you could say that. Ben, how much of the conversation with Brad did you really catch?”

“Enough.”

“So you know…”

“About your addiction? Your abusive father? Yea. I heard that.”

“And you still want to be here? Why?”
“Addy, you’re a great girl. I’ve liked you for a long time now. We all have our demons – some more than others. I’m not going to cut and run just because I know a little more about yours. Wait until you find out about mine and then we’ll see who’s running.”

I laughed. He made me feel more relaxed than I had for a long time now. I felt like a car was being lifted off my shoulders. But it didn’t take long for the worry to settle back in.

“These aren’t just demons, Brad. This is me. This is who I am. I’m an alcoholic. I have been since I was 14. I have problems. More problems than just a few demons. Being beat repeatedly does that to a girl.”

“Well, if you’re any indication, it also makes her strong and beautiful and caring and smart and sweet and…and the list goes on and on. You’re a great girl, Addy. Don’t you forget that,” Ben reached up and caressed my chin. My first instinct was to pull away but his touch was so soft that my body gave in and my melted into his touch.

Leaving - It's What You're Good at

2008-06-16T13:20:00.004-05:00

“How long have you been standing there?” I asked.

“Long enough. Hello, Brad.” He said.

“What the hell are you doing here?” Brad shot at Ben.

“Well judging from the movies and popcorn I would say I came to spend some time with the pretty lady.”

“Well, the pretty lady is MY pretty lady and we’re going out for dinner,” Brad retorted.

“Oh contraire. I believe ‘your’ pretty lady just said she had absolutely no interest in going to dinner with you. By the way, beautiful flowers today. Or at least they looked that way in the trash.”

I thought for a second that Brad would punch him but somehow he refrained himself.

“Addy, are you seriously going to hang out with this douche bag? Come on, babe, let’s get dinner.”

“I don’t know how many times she has to say it, man…” Ben started but I stopped him.

“Let me handle this,” I directed Ben. “Brad, could you please be so kind as to leave? I know you know how. You did it so well before.”
“That’s not fair…” Brad quipped.

“Oh, it’s more than fair. There’s the door. Don’t let it hit you on the way out.”
Brad stormed out the door but not before giving me and Ben a menacing look. I brushed it off, shut the door – and locked it – behind him and smiled warmly at Ben.

Give me 12 Steps

2008-06-16T13:18:00.000-05:00

“You mean your ALCOHOLISM? The very alcoholism that you would still be battling if not for me. Hell, you might even be dead by now Addy if not for me. At the rate you were going, that’s exactly where you were headed. You’re lucky I made you stop.”

“Save the bullshit. You didn’t MAKE me stop. I’ll give credit where credit’s due. You’re right – you saved me from self-destructing but you didn’t do it alone. I had a VERY big hand in that. I’m the one who sat through daily AA meetings and suffered through serious withdrawals.”

“And who was right there by your side all along the way? That’s right it was me.”

“You’re right. You were right by my side. But guess who also sent me back to the bottle?”

“That’s not fair...”

“Shit. This isn’t getting us anywhere, Addy.”

“That’s right. You don’t want to take blame for anything. But that’s okay. If it’s one thing AA taught me is that I have to take responsibility for my own actions and although you had something to do with pushing me to the edge, I’m the one who jumped. But at least it was just temporary. I’m going to get right back in AA and back on the road to recovery.”

“Well, I’m glad to hear that. So how about we go grab dinner before my stomach eats itself?”

“I’m not going to dinner with you.”

“But you’re looking so hot…”

“Hello beautiful,” a voice boomed from the still open door. I looked past Brad to see a towering Ben and Brad swung around to see who else was joining us.

“Oh of course not. You want to take credit for ‘curing’ me but you don’t want to take credit for screwing me up even more. Do you really think that a girl who has battled serious self-worth issues her entire life and suffered at the hands of an alcoholic, abusive father is going to handle being left at the altar and just skip along like everything’s okay? Come on, Brad. I thought you knew me better than that.”

Dropping By

2008-04-23T16:00:00.001-05:00

“Hey, baby, you look great. I was afraid you weren’t going to be ready but man are you ever.” A chill swept over my body as he looked me over from head to toe pausing for a second too long at the boobs. I self-consciously crossed my arms to cover them up.

“What are you doing here?”

“We’re going to dinner. Didn’t you get my flowers?” Brad had pushed his way into the house and was standing in the entryway now. “Where are they?”

“I tossed them.”

“You did what?”

“I tossed them. In the trash can at work.”

“But you’ve been harping on me for months about never buying you flowers and I finally do and you throw them away. That’s a pretty shitty thing to do.”

“And cheating on me, getting another woman pregnant and leaving me at the altar wasn’t?”

“I thought we were over that,” he said.

“You had the nerve to march back into my life and proclaim that you were over it but you being over it does NOT make me over it. You don’t get over something like that, Brad. Oh hell no.”

“Okay, so maybe you weren’t over it so much, but you sure were under it last night baby.” He winked at me and grinned slyly. My stomach turned just thinking that this was a man I came so close to marrying.

“I had no use for your disgusting bouquet of flowers and I have no use for you, regardless of what I may have done last night when I was too plastered to remember my own name. And shame on you for taking advantage of my condition.” I shoved him firmly in the chest but he stood firm. He looked angry but calm.

“Your condition?” He laughed that menacingly laugh that always managed to make me cower in front of him scared of what might happen next.

Leave me alone already

2008-03-26T16:38:00.000-05:00

I rushed home and showered. I must have tried on 20 different outfits – one too sexy for a night in, another not sexy enough. I finally settled on my favorite pair of jeans and a low cut black tee. I had gained a little weight and it seemed like most of it had gone to my boobs. I knew they were looking good so I figured I might as well show them off.

I tried to convince myself that tonight was just going to be a casual movie night with my friend, but the butterflies in my stomach told me otherwise. I felt like I was about to go on a first date. I shook the feeling off and continued to get ready.

It was after 7 by the time I finished getting ready and still no Ben. I checked my watch again and shifted around on the couch. I was afraid that he had changed his mind. Maybe Gina and him had got back together. Or maybe he got in an accident on the way over. Or couldn’t find a movie.

But in the back of my head I was thinking that maybe he realized I wasn’t worth it. That I wasn’t good enough for him. The same way every other guy in my life, including my father, had decided that I wasn’t worth the time, wasn’t good enough for him. The knock on my door shook me out of my worrying. I hopped up and practically skipped to the door.

“I’m so glad you made it,” I said a little too eagerly as I swung the door open. The butterflies fluttered even harder when I saw who stood in front of me.

Secret Admirer

2008-03-24T16:19:00.001-05:00

I managed to avoid him most of the day. But right before time to go I received a huge delivery of flowers. I panicked thinking that Ben had sent them and didn’t know what I would say or do. Luckily, I wouldn’t have to figure it out.
We can be happy again. I still love you. Dinner tonight? Brad.

Just then Ben came popping into my cubicle at the worst possible time. I threw down the card and tried to push some papers over it and block the flowers. He pushed past me and grabbed the card and read it.

“Please tell me you’re not going to have dinner with that jerk.”

“I don’t know.” It was true. I hadn’t decided it yet. While my head told me I should say no my heart was screaming yes. After all, this was the man I was about to marry just a few weeks ago and despite everything that happened, the idea of being with somebody sounded a lot better than being alone. Even if I did know he wasn’t Mr. Right. Plus he was comfortable. I wouldn’t be starting over.

“You’re not going, Addy. I’m putting my foot down.”

Where did he get off telling me he was putting his foot down? He didn’t even have a say in what I did. He couldn’t put his foot down. I felt like telling him as much but I could see the determination in his face.

“Okay, I won’t go,” I said quietly.

“Damn right. And you’re spending the night with me so I can keep an eye on you.”

“That’s really not necessary…” I started.

“Oh no, it’s definitely necessary. I’ll be at your house at 7 with wine and movies.

Confessions

2008-01-11T11:10:00.000-06:00

“We’re going to be late, you know?” He said. “You better go get ready. I’ll wait for you.”

I hurriedly threw on some clothes, some makeup to cover the red, swollen eyes and ran a comb through my hair. I didn’t look the greatest but at least it was an improvement. We were out the door ten minutes later and pulled into the office parking lot only about five minutes after eight. Not too bad for the morning I had. I started to reach for the handle and get out and Ben grabbed my arm and pulled me back.

“Um,” he started. “Should we talk about what happened?”

“What did happen? I’m not sure I know.”

“I’m attracted to you, Addy. I always have been. Brad just always stood in the way.”

“And Gina. What about Gina? I don’t want to be the other woman. I can’t be. I know how much that hurts.”

“Gina moved out.”
“When?”

“About two weeks ago. It wasn’t working. It hadn’t been for awhile. She knew I had feelings for you. I guess I wasn’t that good at hiding them.”

“I never knew.”

“Well, I guess I was better than I thought then.”

“I don’t know, Ben.”

“If I was any good?”

“No. If we should talk about what happened. Let’s just leave it at it happened and play it by ear.”

“I don’t want to play it by ear. I want you to give me a chance. I want to be with you, Addy.”

“We’re late.” I opened the door and practically hurdled out of the car and into the office. I turned around once I came into the front door to see if Ben was behind me but he wasn’t. He was just getting out of the car looking defeated. I hated seeing that look on his face – one I had caused but I just couldn’t deal with this right now. I was too much of a wreck to think about what he had asked.

Tempting Fate

2007-12-20T15:24:00.000-06:00

I don’t know how long I had been crying before I heard another knock at the door. I stood up and swung the door open.

“What?”

Ben stood in front of me looking just as handsome as he had the night before but troubled and very tired.

“Addy, what is going on? You’re not ready? Is everything okay? You look like you’ve been crying?”

This time I collapsed in his arms. I was surprised that I still had tears to cry. He held me for what felt like the longest time before he pulled back.

“What’s going on? Why are you so sad? Is this because of…”

“Brad was here.”

“What?” I could tell by the tone of his voice he was angry. “What the hell was that bastard doing here? Where is he? I’ll kick his ass.”

“He’s gone. He left.”
“What was he doing here?”

“He was here last night when you dropped me off?”

“And he just left? What the hell happened?” Now he looked really pissed.

I started from last night and told him the whole story – how I had blacked out and woke up this morning and he was in my bed all sweet and acting like we were back together. And then The Devil showed up and he kicked her out and then I had kicked him out but I knew he wasn’t going to give up that easily. I felt so depleted. Like I had lost my last friend and I knew I looked a wreck.

“I must look terrible,” I said straightening my hair trying to make myself look somewhat presentable. The swollen red eyes didn’t help anything. I looked down at my feet.

Ben grabbed my chin and pulled my face up to look at him. He smiled. “You look great. Always do.”

We both stood there for a second looking into each other’s eyes before he leaned down and kissed me once again sending chills down my spine. He stopped and ran his hands down my arms grabbing my hands and lacing his fingers through mine.

The Waterworks Begin

2007-12-20T15:16:00.000-06:00

Brad reached for me but I pushed his hand away, jumped up and ran for the bathroom. I puked until there was nothing left to puke. I was certain I looked like a mess and felt like one too. I mustered up the strength to head into the kitchen where Brad had fixed me a couple slices of toast and set out a glass of orange juice.

“I thought this would make you feel better.”

“You know what would make me feel better?” I asked. “You getting the hell out of my house. NOW.”

He started to say something.

“I mean it. NOW.”

“But I thought...”

“You thought wrong. Get out.” By now my voice was shaking but I remained firm. I wanted him to know that I wasn’t going to change my mind on this. I thought he was going to say something but he didn’t. He gathered his stuff and headed to the door.

“I guess I’ll call you later?”

“Don’t bother.”

“I’ll call you later,” he reaffirmed and then he was gone. Once again I collapsed in a heap against the door and I cried. Really cried. I cried until there wasn’t any tears left to cry. I had screwed up. Once again. And there was no one to blame but myself.

Mark One Up For Me

2007-12-20T15:15:00.000-06:00

Brad headed toward the door while I got out of bed and threw on a robe. I heard some commotion going on the living room and headed out to see who was at the door. I swung open the bedroom door and froze. The Devil in Fake Prada. Shit. She was yelling at Brad and didn’t seem to see me at first. But when she did all hell broke loose.

“You stupid slut.”

“Who you calling a slut? I believe you’re the one who’s been cheating with MY fiancé.” I drew out the fiancé just to add a little extra sting.

“EX-fiance,” I had to admit that stung a little. “He left you. He’s with me now. You couldn’t handle it. You man-stealing slut. You’re not going to win. He loves me. He’s coming back to me.”

I sauntered over. My hangover had subsided and I was ready to cause a little trouble. I slung my arm over Brad and let a mischievous smile spread across my face.

“I believe it was me who won last night, all night long. Now wasn’t it, Brad. And I believe it was just a few minutes ago you were telling me how much you loved me.”

“You bitch!” I saw her hand coming toward my face but couldn’t react fast enough. The next thing I know was her hand was stopped directly in my face. Brad had grabbed her wrist and stopped the blow. He spoke calmly and turned to her.

“Missy, I think you need to leave. Addy and I…” He paused. “We’re back together. Right, baby?”

I bottled up all my anger and hatefulness and smiled. “That sure is, sweetie. We just loved each other too much to stay away. One little MISTAKE couldn’t keep us apart.” He wrapped his arm around me and a chill ran through my body. I shook it off. “I think it’s time you leave my property before I call the police.” I opened the door and pointed the way out.

“This isn’t over. You haven’t won.” She said. “He’s going to come back to me. He loves me. I know he does.”
“You’re right. It isn’t over.” I shoved her out the door and slammed the door in her face. I fell back against the door and slid to the ground wrapping my hands around my stomach. I felt sick. Seriously sick.

Regrets

2007-12-20T15:10:00.000-06:00

I woke up the next morning with a massive hangover. I should have seen this one coming as much as I had drank the night before. It had been awhile since I’d had a hangover of this magnitude and now I realized why.

I stretched my arms my eyes still mostly closed. The house was drafty and I wasn’t ready to get up yet. I rolled over to my left to cuddle up to my pillow. I reached out and struck something warm. My eyelids slowly creeped open. I gasped.

“Hello, beautiful.”

“Shit.”

“Well, good morning to you too.”

I curled up in a ball and could feel the tears making their way to the forefront. I flipped over refusing to let him see me cry. He curled up to me and wrapped his arms around me.

“I think this is just what both of us needed to put the past behind us and start fresh.”

I bit my tongue afraid of the words that might come billowing out. I didn’t know how to respond to this turn of events.

“You know I love you, right?”

My head felt like it was going to explode – partly from the hangover, partly from my frustration. My heart hung low in disappointment. I had turned to the bottle and was paying the price. Years of AA meetings had taught me how tough it could be to stay away when bad things happened and how we had to stay strong and remember our sponsor. I had convinced myself that those years of my life were behind me. I hadn’t spoken to my sponsor for over a year.

“Why don’t I make us some breakfast?” Brad asked. “Some pancakes for my little buttercup?” he asked as he patted me gently on my butt.

“Why don’t you just leave?” I responded bitterly but still continuing to avoid eye contact.

He was quiet for a second as he let the words hit him. I thought that maybe he was actually going to listen for once and hit the road. But then I knew him better than that.

“Come on, baby. I know this is hard for you. You hate admitting when you are wrong and showing any weakness, but you need me. You need me just as bad as I need you.”

Just then there was a heavy knocking on the door. It didn’t stop and continued to get louder.

“Are you going to get that?” Brad asked.

“No, I’m not expecting anyone.” I turned and looked at him. “Are you?”

Stumbling

2007-12-17T09:16:00.001-06:00

I pulled back. “What in the world are you doing?”

“We lost it.”

“You lost it. You lost it all. That’s for sure.”

“No, Addy, SHE lost it.”

“Lost what?” I was thoroughly confused. What in the world was he talking about?

“We lost the baby, Addy. She had a miscarriage. I just found out. I’ve been sitting on your front step for hours waiting for you to come home to tell you the good news.

“Good news? Good news?” I was slightly miffed. “How is a woman having a miscarriage good news? A woman carrying YOUR baby?”

“I was sad at first. I was excited to become a father. But then it hit me. I was with her because of the baby. That’s all. I thought that I had fallen for her but it was just the baby that I had fallen for. I was in love with the idea of being a father. But if there was no baby, there was no us, which meant I was free.”

I laughed. “You certainly are. I’m glad you take so much pleasure out of it.”

Brad grabbed my hands. “I’m free, baby. Free to be with you again. We can get married after all.”

“Baby? Married? I think you’re moving a little quickly here. You’re free alright, Brad. But as far as I’m concerned, you’re going to stay that way.”

I turned to walk away and stumbled a little up the front step.

“Are you drunk?” Brad asked.

“Of course not,” I said as I chuckled.

“You’re freaking drunk. How am I supposed to have a serious conversation with you when you’re drunk?”

“Oh, Brad. Any chance of us having a serious relationship went out the window when you ruined our “serious” relationship by climbing into bed with another woman. So maybe you’re the one who should be having a “serious” conversation with yourself.”

He grabbed me by the shoulder and started to help me up the steps. I didn’t want – or need – any help, especially not from him. I pushed him back and hurdled up the steps and to the door. Brad followed behind.

“If you think I’m letting you in this door, you have another thing coming. You need to hit the road, Brad.”

He started to say something but thought better of it. He knew how angry of a drunk I could be. I was the daughter of an alcoholic father and the disease didn’t strike too far from home. I had wavered on the side of an addiction when I first met Brad and he had saved me from the self-destruction that was sure to come. I guess that was one thing I could be thankful to Brad for. One of many…

Blurring the Lines

2007-12-14T13:29:00.000-06:00

“There. Got rid of him,” Ben said. “Can we go now?”

Neither of us said a word as we walked back to the office. We didn’t even so much as look at each other until we were in the office parking lot. Ben started for his car, and I started for mine. He stopped.

“Addy.”

I turned. “Yea?”

“Maybe you should ride with me.”

What was going on here? Did Ben have a thing for me? He couldn’t. We had been friends forever. He had a girlfriend who he lived with. A girlfriend who I was friends with. But why then did he kiss me? I didn’t have time to give it much though. Ben had grabbed me by the arm and was hurrying me to his car.

“Come on. Let’s go. I’m not going to let you drive.”

“But my car…” I stumbled over the yellow line. I guess maybe I should be driving. “How will I get to work tomorrow?”

“Don’t worry about it. I’ll come get you.”

We were silent the rest of the way to my place. When he pulled in front of my house, Ben started to say something but stopped. I reached for the door handle and looked back.

“Ben…”

“See you tomorrow, Addy.” Before I knew what was happening, Ben leaned over planted another big kiss on my lips, reached across me, flung open the door, pushed me out and spun off as I was left standing in the drive my mouth hung open in shock swaying a little from one too many pitchers.

“What the hell is going on here?”

I flung around and came face-to-face with Brad.

“I, uh, what…” I started. “What are you doing here?”
“What am I doing here? I guess I should ask you the same question.”

“How long have you been here?”
“Long enough to see what I just saw. Ben? Really? How long has this been going on?”

I started to tell him nothing was going on and that it was nothing. But I wasn’t so sure about that. It sure felt like something. But I couldn’t say how Ben felt. After all, he had a girlfriend who he seemed very much in love with and had never shown me one ounce of interest before tonight. I wasn’t so sure he was even showing interest tonight or just trying to get me home. I wasn’t going to let Brad know that though.

“Well, to tell you the truth, that’s absolutely none of your business.”

“You little bitch,” he said so hatefully I almost recoiled. “You were cheating all along, weren’t you? When were you planning on telling me? Or were you just going to let me take the fall for everything?”

“Oh give me a break, Brad. I don’t know why we’re even having this conversation. I tried to push by him but he stopped me.”

“Look me in the eye and tell me you weren’t cheating, Addy.”

I stared him straight in the eyes desperately trying to make him disappear. “I wasn’t cheating. This is the first time it’s ever happened.”
Relief flooded through Brad’s eyes. He pulled me toward him and wrapped his arms around me in a huge, stifling hug. He kissed my neck, kissed my cheek and moved toward my lips.

Pushed to Action

2007-12-13T10:41:00.000-06:00

A half hour later Ben and I had managed to down three pitchers and had another on the way. It was safe to say we were both a little tipsy. A guy that I had seen there a few times before kept glancing over our way.

“I think you have an admirer,” Ben whispered in my ear.

“Not interested,” as I downed another glass.

“Too late. He’s headed this way.”

I looked over and sure enough the man was making his way to our booth.

“Hi, I’m Jon,” he said as he held his hand out to me.

I reached for the pitcher completely ignoring him.

Ben reached his hand out and shook Jon’s hand.

“I’m Ben,” he said. “This is Addy. We work across the street at Fleisher.”

“I thought I had seen you two here before. I work at McDonahue & Wilshire accounting firm down the road. Mind if I join you?”

I guess you could safely say that I had moved beyond tipsy and was quite drunk by now. I scooted over and patted the seat beside me.

“Sit on down, partner,” I giggled. “I’ll even let you buy me a drink.”

Jon ordered us another pitcher and I reached for it.

Ben grabbed my wrist before I could grab hold.

“Slow down, Addy. I think you’ve had enough.”

“Butt out, Ben. Do you think I’ve had enough, Jon?”

Jon wiggled in his seat looking uncomfortable and looked from Ben to me.

“I don’t know,” he finally said. “Looks like you’re having fun to me.”

Ben sighed. “Addy, can I talk to you? Privately.”

Jon excused himself to go to the men’s room and I glared over at Ben upset at him for sending him away. After all, he was pretty cute. Or was that just the alcohol talking?

“What the hell are you doing, Addy?”

“Just having a little fun. What’s the harm in that?”

“I think it’s time for both of us to be going,” Ben said as he stood up in the booth and grabbed my arm. I resisted. “Addy, let’s go.”

Something in the tone of his voice moved me to action. I grabbed my glass and chugged what was left and stood up. Ben led the way as I followed behind. We were almost out the door when Jon caught up with us. He grabbed my right arm and pulled me back.

“Hey, leaving already?” He asked. “I thought we were just starting to have fun.”

I giggled. Ben didn’t. “Sorry, man, we need to get going.”

Jon looked from Ben to me and back at Ben. “I’m sorry. Did I interrupt something here? I didn’t mean to interfere. Are you two like – together? I didn’t think you were. I thought I had seen you both here with other people before so I just assumed.”

“Assumed what?” Ben asked. “That we were just friends?”

At this precise moment, Ben leaned down and planted the biggest, wettest kiss on my lips. At first I started to recoil but then I stopped myself and leaned in. It was cold at first but then my whole body began to warm up and my feet began to tingle. As quickly as he started, Ben pulled away. I looked up at him my eyes wide with amazement. Jon had now turned on his heels and walked off.

Back to Life or Something Like It

2007-12-10T12:23:00.000-06:00

aSomehow I mustered up the courage to send Brad packing. It wasn’t easy but I knew it was what I needed to do. Because at the end of the day he was going back to The Devil and I knew it. And as angry as it made me that she had won and she had got the guy, my guy; I knew it was for the best. They were having a kid together and no matter how much I loved him, I couldn’t – wouldn’t – stand in the way of that.

Brad fed me some line about how he would always love me and that he hoped we could continue to be friends. I nodded and pretended to feel the same but the only thing I hoped is that I never had to see him or his whore ever again. The fact that I knew he wasn’t “The One” didn’t make my heart hurt any less because the fact of the matter was that I was starting all over. Back at square one. I was a single again and that was the loneliest feeling in the world.

I woke up on Monday exhausted but relieved. It hadn’t been easy to hear but I felt like Brad had finally given me the closure I needed to put this who fiasco behind me and start living again. I didn’t quite feel like a new woman but I felt like a better woman.

I made the decision to pick myself off the couch and return to work. My only hope was that I had a job to return to. I even took a shower and did my hair and makeup for the first time since the almost wedding. If I was going to do this, if I was going to start over, I was going to do it with my best face forward.

I arrived at work about 15 minutes early but the office was already bustling. As I made my way to my cubicle, several people nodded or waved hello while others gave me half pity smiles. I bit my lip and smiled back. I would not be a train wreck. I would not show my weakness. I had almost made it to my cube when Amy, the secretary and queen of all things gossip crossed my path.

“Oh, Addy!” She wrapped her arms around me and hugged me tightly. “It’s so great to see you back. We weren’t sure we would ever see you again. How are you doing?”

She was looking me over from head to toe to see if she could find any sign of weakness. Had I mismatched my socks? Were my pants wrinkled? Did my shirt have a stain? Had I been crying? I had made sure the answer to all of those questions was no.

“I’m doing great. Thanks for asking, Amy. How are you doing?” I hoped that by changing the subject she would let it rest.

“Well, I’m doing good but I didn’t just have my heart broken. Oh, Addy, it was so tragic. I don’t know how you did it.”

She had to go there. I knew she couldn’t let it rest.

“I don’t know that I would call it tragic. A blessing is really more accurate.”

Bewilderment flashed in her eyes. Why did I have to run into Amy my first day back? She was only going to dig for dirt so she could spread it around the office. Did you hear about Addy? Her fiancé left her at the altar and she was so devastated she nearly committed suicide. I heard she tried to kill herself but wasn’t even successful in that. Poor thing.

I was not going to be anyone’s poor thing. And I was not going to be the butt of office jokes and the subject of office rumors. I would set her straight right here and now.

“Oh, Addy. You know you can talk to me if you need to. I’m always right up there.” She pointed to her desk at the front of the office.

“As much as I would love to spill my life story to you, Amy, everyone knows that it would only be a matter of minutes before you had spilled it to everyone else in the office. So thanks but no thanks. If I wanted to be the subject of office whispers, I would have just called Page Six.”

Her mouth dropped and she turned in a huff. At least now she would have something to talk about the rest of the day. I’m sure she would say that my almost wedding had turned me into an evil bitch or something to that effect. I dropped my briefcase on my desk and settled into my chair. I breathed a sign of relief and turned my computer on. It was going to be a long day but it would be one day closer to putting my life back together and putting that nightmare of a day behind me. Or so I had convinced myself.

It was a little after one before everyone realized I was back and it seemed like everyone and their dog dropped by to say hello. Most kept it short, “Hello, good to have you back.” Some hung around hoping to get the scoop on my almost wedding. All left when they realized that I wasn’t saying a word.

Before the end of the day an IM popped up from Ben. Ben and I had started at the office about the same time. Since we were about the same age, we had instantly bonded and became work buddies. We didn’t usually hang out after work because he usually had to get home to his girlfriend but we often went to lunch together and occasionally even happy hour.

ben: welcome back little lady!

me: i don’t know how welcome I feel but thanks!

ben: let me guess…amy trying to dig for scoop and everyone else casually walking by your office to say ‘hi’ but really hoping you’re gonna spill your guts

me: something like that. seems like nothing’s changed around here!

ben: other than me being incredibly bored without you, no it hasn’t. need a drink?

me: many…

ben: let’s hit happy hour at o’malley’s

me: can we leave now?

Ben: race you to the door

I grabbed my coat and purse and headed out careful to keep my head down so I didn’t have to return any of the pity smiles. Ben was at the door waiting for me.

“Let’s rock and roll, pretty lady.”

I asked for it

2007-08-23T15:12:00.001-05:00

Here it is: the final installment in my serial story. Leave me a comment if you think I should continue this story and help Addy find "The One". To be continued, maybe...

“So tell me, was it when I was walking down the aisle that you decided I just wasn’t pretty enough; wasn’t sweet enough; wasn’t whatever you needed enough or when was it?”

“No, Addy. Not at all.” He stood now and walked toward me slowly. He grabbed my wrists tenderly.

“It wasn’t like that. I saw you walk down the aisle – so beautiful, so innocent and full of love in your eyes and that’s when I knew. I knew I didn't deserve you. You deserved a guy who could appreciate you. Who realized how wonderful you were, perfect in every way. You deserved a guy who wouldn’t cheat on you, who wouldn’t break your heart, who wouldn’t ruin your life. And I knew, Addy. I knew I wasn’t that guy. Don’t you see? You were too good for me.”

I cried. I hadn’t meant to but I cried. Brad pulled me close and hugged me. He was the last person I wanted a hug from right now and the only person I needed one from. The story was far from perfect. In fact, it was downright awful but somehow it eased my pain. I still loved Brad. Nothing could stop that. I knew a part of me would probably always love Brad but the other part of me was glad. Glad that he didn’t marry me. Glad that he was able to walk away. Because I wasn't strong enough to.

I knew he wasn’t the one. I had always knew he wasn’t the one but I had wanted to marry him anyways because I wasn’t sure “The One” would ever find me. Would ever love me for who I am. Would ever fit so perfectly in my life as Brad had. I wasn’t sure “The One” was anything more than a myth. But here I was back at square one letting Mr. Wrong walk out of my life – not by choice – and starting over again. Waiting for the magic. Waiting for the love. Waiting for “The One.” And if they were all wrong and there was no such thing as “The One.” There was always me. And somehow that would have to be good enough.

One Wrong Step

2007-08-21T15:50:00.000-05:00

“You went to her house the night before our wedding? After our rehearsal? After we had sat at the church with the preacher and all of our wedding party practicing for our wedding day, you went to your whore’s house. That’s so lovely, Brad.”

“Don’t pass judgment. I was going to break it off. I swear I was. But then she was there crying on the bed. She told me she was pregnant and that I was the dad. She told me she was going to keep the baby and I could be a part of its life or not. It was up to me.”

“I thought about getting up and leaving right there but she was so vulnerable so sad. I knew I wouldn’t be able to live with myself if I didn’t stand by her and help her take care of that baby – our baby. We stayed up talking all night and somewhere during the night, I fell for her.”

“You fell for her? On our wedding night, you fell for another woman.”

“Night before our wedding night.”

“Same difference.”

“So it seems apparent you knew at least 12 hours before the wedding that you weren’t going to marry me so why put me through the misery, pain of getting ready, walking down the aisle and then leaving me standing there?”

“I was torn. I loved you. I loved her. She was having my baby but I was marrying you. I didn’t know what to do or who I loved more. I thought that if you married me everything would somehow be okay and I could have both.”

“Both?” I let out a evil laugh. “What did you think? The three of us were just going to live happily ever after? Come on now, Brad. That’s ridiculous.”

“The point is that I was thinking at all. I was scared. I was confused. I was torn between the two women that I loved and one of them was having my baby. What would you have done?”

“I don’t know. Maybe not have slept with another woman. Not have carried on an affair while my fiancé was planning our wedding. Not have been stupid enough to get her pregnant. Not have continued this charade until my wedding day and left my bride at the altar. That’s what I would have done, Brad.”

I was fired up now. Livid. I was seeing red. If Brad made one wrong move, I knew I would KO him right here in my living room.

Storytime

2007-08-15T16:21:00.001-05:00

“I met her one night when I went out with the guys. You were at home with a cold. It started out innocently but gradually as I got drunker she started to get more flirtatious and by the end of the night she was full on coming on to me. I didn’t intend for anything to happen but I was so drunk, Addy. Somehow I ended up back at her place and one thing led to another and before I knew it we had slept together.”

“And it was just that one time?”

“Not exactly.”

Those weren’t the words I had wanted to hear.

“I came home the next day and felt so guilty. You gave me the third degree about where I had stayed but you bought my story that Tommy had made me crash at his place. I wanted to confess it all to you right then and there but knew that you would never be able to forgive me. I thought it was just a one-night stand so I decided the best thing for both of us would be to just not say anything.”

“I don’t think you thought about me at all in this decision, Brad. You were just protecting your own ass.”
“Do you want me to finish or what?”

I nodded as he continued.

“I didn’t know that I had given her my number and she started calling me. At first I ignored the calls but finally I picked up. She said she really needed to see me and asked that I meet her right away. At first I resisted but finally I agreed to meet her at her house. When I got there she had planned this whole seduction scene. I should have turned and left right then but for some reason, I didn’t. I went in and she seduced me. Next thing I knew I had done it again. I came home feeling awful. I could hardly look at you. I didn’t know what I was going to say or do. You were so excited about the wedding that I didn’t want to break your heart so I just went along with everything.

“Didn’t want to break my heart? Oh you did a find job of that, Brad. A fine job. Why don’t you just skip the nasty sex stories – they make me sick and skip to when you found out she was pregnant and decided that you were going to leave me standing at the altar like an idiot.”

“I swear I didn’t find out until the night before our wedding, Addy. We had been sleeping together for about four months but I fully intended to break it off that night. I went to her house…”

Answers

2007-08-14T09:28:00.001-05:00

Back by popular demand...my continuing story in installments. If you go back to May, maybe even April you will see the first four installments of the story and see where we left off. We last left our beloved Addy KOed on the ground by The Devil. Enjoy. The final installments will promptly be delivered over the next few days!

It must have been five, maybe ten minutes before I came to. Brad was standing over me and I could tell he was worried.

"Addy? Addy? Addy, are you okay?"

It all started to come back to me.

"Where is that bitch? That orange dragon bitch. I'm taking her down."

"I made her leave, Addy. I'm sorry. I didn't know she had followed me. I sent her home. I'll take care of her later. Right now I'm worried about you. You were out quite a little while. Are you sure you're okay?"

Honestly I wasn't. My head felt like I had a massive hangover and I could see blood and was pretty sure that my nose was broke. But I wasn't letting that stop me.

"A girl who hits other girls? That's pretty white trash, Brad. Are you proud of your baby mama?"

"Don't call her that."

"What? White trash or baby mama? Because both are true."

"Well, judging from the insults you're hurling I guess you're okay. I'm going to get my stuff and go."

"The hell you are."

By now I was on my feet and positioned between the door and the stairs.

"You're not going anywhere. Set your ass down."

I must have sounded more bad ass than I felt because he did just as I said sitting down on the loveseat. He laid his head down in his hands and then rubbed his hands through his hair.

The time to get answers was now or never. I could tell his guard was down.

"Where do you want me to start?" he asked.

"How about the beginning?"

He took a deep breath and started a story that was sure to be the final splinter in my heart.

The Hills, The Hills, The Hills!

2007-08-08T10:45:00.001-05:00

Next Monday The Hills comes back to MTV and I for one can't wait. This is one of my favorite shows and Lauren Conrad is one of my favorite people that I don't know! I loved her on Laguna Beach and I loved her on season one and two of The Hills. I am looking forward to following her life in LA for another season.

My excitement for the season is being derailed by my utter disgust for Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag. They are the worst excuse for human beings I've ever seen. For non-Hills watchers, Heidi and Lauren used to be best friends until Spencer decided he wanted Heidi all to himself and brainwashed her to hate Lauren.

The latest in this terrible twosome if them attacking Lauren on the radio stations and on Spencer's Web site (which by the way doesn't even work he's so pathetic). It's one thing to say you don't like somebody but it's another to complete ream them by calling them rude, inappropriate names and making up lies (like the sex tape). I listened to their interview on the Ryan Secrest show and they sounded like immature junior high kids who had no life (which is true).

They went on and on about how Lauren was mean to them in US Weekly for SIX pages. But I read the US Weekly article and she was anything but mean. In usual politically correct style, Lauren commented politely that they weren't friends anymore and that too many things had happened. She did not call them names like a five-year-old. She did not make fun of them. She simply stated the facts.

Does anyone know how to contact MTV? I would really love to start a petition to get Heidi and Spencer of this season of The Hills! Please help...

Perez, you go girl - I mean boy!

2007-07-12T09:04:00.001-05:00

I know you've been there. I don't know many people who haven't aside from my parents. Perez Hilton is where the best celebrity trashing/gossip is at. It's not number one in my book in delivering celebrity gossip first (TMZ takes that honor) but I love it just the same because it's a little different.

Mr. Perez has labeled himself the Queen of all Media and the title fits. He has hit the scene big time with millions of hits each day (I don't know this for a fact - just a guess). Perez isn't just on the Web anymore. He's popping up at the Canadian music awards, in Glamour magazine and coming tomorrow The View.

With the much talked about departure of Rosie O'Donnell, The View is looking to replace her. Kathy Griffin and Ivanka Trump (she refused) are some of the names being thrown around as possible replacements but I have a sneaking suspicion we all might be a little surprised.

Perez Hilton is co-hosting The View tomorrow and also says he has a "big announcement" tomorrow. My guess? He's going to be the next co-host of The View.

How do you go from your blog to co-hosting a talk show like The View. You get people to listen. And Perez has done that. I think he would be a great fit for The View. He would certainly bring in the younger generation. Walk onto any college campus or stop someone under 30 and ask them if they know who Perez Hilton is and I bet they say yes.

Who wants to make a bet with me on Perez taking the open co-host gig? I'll pony up some big money!

Prison Fashionistas

2007-07-11T10:45:00.000-05:00

After my lengthy post on the unfairness of Paris Hilton's jail sentence, I thought it was only right to weigh in on the whole Nicole Richie issue. After all, once upon a time they were BFFs. I thought Paris's sentence was cruel and unfair - most similar offenders wouldn't serve any time or if they did serve time, it would be very minimal. Nothing like the 26 days she had to serve. I'm not bitter about it anymore though. I think she came out a better person (repeat: think). She's still Paris Hilton and swarmed by papparazzi every day and a daily news headline but I think she learned her lesson and wants something good to come out of her time in jail.

Nicole Richie I'm not sure i can say the same for. Nicole Richie is a troublemaker. Watch an episode of The Simple Life and you will see that. That girl is waivering on the crazy side. She's always disrespecting people and doing cruel jokes that she thinks is hilarious. She's spiteful. And this isn't the first time she's been in trouble. She's been in rehab for drugs. She's been pulled over for a DWI before this DUI. She was driving down the wrong side of the road. She deserves to be punished. And if she doesn't get more time than Paris then there's something wrong with this world.

Nicole deserves at least twice the time if not more because she's got TWO DUIs. She should be in there a minimum of 52 days. That would serve her right.

I haven't decided if there's any truth to this pregnancy rumor. Judging by the way she's been hiding that belly, I think there just might be. And she truly believes it will get her out of jail time. And it might but it sure isn't fair if it does. That sends the message to other female criminals - get knocked up and you won't have to do the time. Just what we need another unwanted, unloved baby in this world.

I hope Nicole Richie has to serve her time. I have a feeling that she won't be half as regretful as Paris Hilton was. In fact, Nicole Richie will come out spitting nails and hurling accusations.

Countdown to Lindsay Lohan's trail...

Cube Farm Claims Another

2007-07-02T15:21:00.000-05:00

An ode to my buddy over at Water the Blog:

A local woman was found dead on Monday afternoon in her cubicle. Apparent cause of death: boredom. Anita Break, 23, was found slumped over her computer keyboard with her iPod still thumping away. Multiple Excel spreadsheets and several technical papers were open on her computer.

Break was heard saying at 1:23, "If I see one more report, I'm going to croak." At 2:24 p.m., she opened an e-mail from co-worker Justin Time with a paper for her editing. The coroner said Break passed away at 2:25.

Justin Time came by at 3 to pick up the edits only to find Break dead. He was distraught to think he was to blame.

"I had no idea she was so bored," he said. "If I had known that, I would have sent her the other report I needed editing - one about the rapid decay of Missouri's caves. She would have loved it and would still be with us today. I guess I'll have to send it to Ryan Tin.

Ryan Tin was later found dead in his cubicle. The coroner is still investigating.

Paris Hilton

2007-06-27T10:37:00.001-05:00

I finally decided I need a way to voice my opinion about this whole Paris Hilton debacle. It's really spiraled out of control. Prior to Paris being sentenced to jail, I didn't really care for her. I wouldn't say I hated her but I did not care to follow her or idolize her either.

Since then, it's a whole new story. For some reason her jail sentence made me like her. It's weird I know. She commits a crime and has to go to jail and she becomes one of my new favorite celebs? I've been making the same argument to my fiance for weeks and I think he's sick of hearing it so I thought I'd tell it to someone else. When I'm through, you'll probably be sick of hearing it too (if you aren't already).

First of all, Paris Hilton's sentence was unfair. Yes, she drove drunk. If you can call .08 drunk - that's typically one drink in one hour. I can drink one drink and still be perfectly fine. Then she drove twice on a suspended license. She deserved to be punished. But 45 days in jail? Really? I know a guy who has been arrested 3 times for DWIs; the third time without a license and he spent TWO days in jail. I think his was a little worse. She should have either been put on probation, had to go to a class, done community service and maybe served ONE weekend in jail. Not 23 days. We have far worse criminals in our country that don't do anywhere near that amount of time. I believe the judge and other officials in California who backed it were just trying to make a name for themselves. And they did. Unfortunately for them that name is ASS. I think it's too funny that the city prosecutor weighed in on how Paris should have to do the time and shouldn't be released for electronic monitoring and his wife has commited the same crime TWICE and is still walking. We should start a campaign to lock her up. Maybe I will!

Bottom line- it was an unfair sentence yet Paris dealt with it. She served it. She didn't appeal. She buckled down and sent 23 days in solitary confinement. She's a much stronger woman than I will ever be. For that I have to give her props. And I'm sad to say it but I respect her now. I never though I would say I respect Paris Hilton but I do in this case.

Finally, let's get to the media coverage. I was a journalism major in college so I have studied the media in and out so you could say it's my expertise (although that might be going a little far). Paris Hilton is a huge story. Everyone claims not to like her but she's like a car accident - like it or not you're going to stop and watch. That's why she's been on every channel. She is news. Not the same kind of news as the war in Iraq but news nonetheless. Personally I would much rather here about Paris Hilton than the war in Iraq but that's a whole different blog post.

NBC's Today was willing to pay Paris Hilton $1 million for her first interview according to TMZ.com. Is it ethical for Today to pay for their interviews? No probably not but who can blame Paris for wanting to make a buck out of the whole ordeal? And quite frankly, I want to see it. But then Today got scared and backed off and dumb old Babwa said it was "beneath" her. Paris is beneath her? Rosie O'Donnell made that show nothing but a gossip rag and home of the cat fights. Finally Larry King Live decided to host her and I am glad. I can't wait to watch it tonight. It will be on CNN at 9 et.

Paris Hilton isn't the best person in the world. She may not be the smartest person the nicest person or the sanest person but regardless, she is a person. She's a person who deserves to be treated fairly by the judicial system and everyone else. Just because she's a celebrity doesn't mean she should get 4 or 5 times the normal sentence for a crime. That's just ludicrous!

Go Paris. I'm on your side for once.

Out Cold

2007-05-30T08:31:00.000-05:00

And then he did the one thing that could make me melt. He pressed his lips to mine. It was a rough, forceful kiss at first and I did not reciprocate. But then it softened and his tongue slowly flicked in and out of my mouth and before I could control it my tongue entered his mouth.

His kiss softened. My tough exterior evaporated into thin air. Somehow he had pushed his way into the house and had me pressed up against the wall still exploring the depths of my mouth. It was the most intense, amazing kiss I had ever had. And this was a man I had kissed countless times before.

It was only a matter of minutes before he had peeled my clothes off. Goosebumps formed up my legs and on my arms. But I wasn’t cold. I was hotter than I had ever been in my life. My eyes closed and I arched for more. His lips explored down my neck and to my chest.

“What the fuck is going on here?”

I felt his soft lips pull away and I opened my eyes in time to see the awful orange tone of her fist coming straight to my nose. I saw red and gasped to breathe as I felt to the floor.

And then the lights went out.

Confrontation

2007-05-23T15:39:00.000-05:00

Just as I had made the decision not to answer the door, his voice came booming through the wooden slab between us.

"Come on. Open up. I know you're in there. I see your car outside and I can hear the tv blaring."

I hadn't thought to mute it.

"Just open the door, Addy."

I conjured up enough nerve finally to open up the door and face him. It was the first time I had seen him since he had left me standing at the altar and it hurt just as much. It was all I could do to fight back the tears.

"What do you want?"

"I want my stuff back. You can't hold it prisoner."

"Did you really think that sending her to pick it up was the best way to do it? Do you know how much seeing her hurt? Are you really that much of an insensitive ass."

"Well, you always did have quite the mouth on you. It always did turn me on," he said. His cocky grin has infiltered its way onto his face and he was moving suspiciously close to me. Too close for comfort.

Usually it was that grin that sent me melting into his arms. But not this time. This time it just pissed me off.

"Why? Just answer me why?"

His smile disappeared. "I don't want to go there. Can't we just both agree that it's over and I come in and get my stuff and leave?"

"No, we can't. It's not over. Not for me. We were getting married and then you completely blindside me. On our wedding day. At the altar. In front of everyone. How could you? I think I deserve an explanation."

"I gave you one."

"No, you didn't. I'm sorry. I can't. I am in love with and having a baby with another woman is not an explanation. Not one that explains anything to me or helps me to understand how this happens."

"Just let me get my stuff." He tried to move by me and I slammed my arm out to block his path.

"NO. You're not getting by me until you explain."

3 Things...

2007-05-21T14:21:00.000-05:00

I interrupt this short story to bring you 3 Things...we will return to regular programming momentarily.

Yay! A meme.I was tagged by paleorange.blogspot.com

3 Things I am scared of:
1. Snakes (and I saw two over the weekend…AHHH!)
2. car accidents
3. getting cancer

3 People that Make me Laugh:
1. my fiance
2. Dwight from The Office (Jim too but he makes me melt first)
3. my nephews

3 Things I Love:
1. My fiane
2. my family
3. celebrity gossip

3 Things I Hate:
1. working full-time
2. know it alls
3. spinach

3 Things I Don’t Understand:
1. politics
2. how some people become famous and I can’t be
3. meaning of life

3 Things On My Desk:
1. lots and lots of paper
2. pictures
3. lotion

3 Things I am Doing Right Now:
1. this meme
2. listening to people talk
3. wishing I hadn’t already drank all of my soda

3 Things I Want To Do Before I Die:
1. travel the world
2. have it “all” – success, love, family
3. win the lottery

3 Things I Can Do:
1. write
2. pitch a softball
3. find good deals

3 Things I Can’t Do:
1. anything musical
2. stay awake at the movie theater
3. touch my toes with OR without bending my legs

3 Things You Should Listen To:
1. your voice mail
2. your mother
3. your boss

3 Things You Should Never Listen To:
1. weather forecasters
2. foul language
3. lies

3 Things I’d Like To Learn:
1. How to play the stock market
2. the secret of life
3. how to make a million dollars

3 Favorite Foods:
1. ice cream
2. potatoes
3. chicken

3 Shows I Watched As A Kid:
1. Saved by the Bell
2. The Little Mermaid
3. Boy Meets World

Locks

2007-05-18T09:25:00.000-05:00

The next day I called the maintenance man and had him come over to change the locks. After explaining the situation, he was more than happy to oblige.

I finally felt like attempting to go to work but I realized that it was Saturday and the office would be closed. I really had been in my own world these last few weeks.

Oh well. I’m sure there was a great Saturday movie on AMC. I slumped back onto the couch, picked up the remote and turned to the channel. It was an old favorite, The Breakfast Club with Molly Ringwald. Emilio Estevez was talking about duct taping a guy in the locker room when I heard a key in the door.

The key went in; it jiggled a few times; and then I heard it pulled out again and nothing Ten seconds later the key went in again; it was jiggled; the door knob was turned and nothing. It was still locked. Who could that be now, I wondered. I jumped off the couch and went to the front door. I peered through the peep hole and my breath caught in my throat. I gasped.

I could feel my heart start to race. The anger was boiling up inside of me. I took a breath. I took another one. I counted to ten. And then I heard a knock. One knock, two knocks, three knocks. I started to unlock the door but then realized that I just wasn’t ready. I couldn’t open it yet. I hadn’t figured out what I would say yet. I hadn’t written a gut-wrenching speech. I hadn’t prepared myself.

But worst of all, I hadn’t showered in days and I was still in the pajamas I had slept in last night. I lifted my arm to smell my pits. My assumption was right. They reaked. As the knocks got more persistent and much louder, I debated on whether to open the door and let all hell break loose or to slump back to the couch and hide away for another couple of days.

An Unwanted Intruder

2007-05-01T16:48:00.001-05:00

That was when I heard a key turn in the doorknob. Someone was coming in whether I liked it or not. He was the only one who had the key and I knew he would never be coming through that door again. The door swung open and there she stood. The Devil in Fake Prada.

“Oh. Um. Well. I didn’t think you were here so I let myself in.”

“What the hell are you doing here? And where did you get a key?”

“Brad gave it to me. He wanted me to come by and pick up some of his things. We thought you would be at work. I can come back another time.”

“No, you won’t. Give me the damn key.”

I jumped off the couch and sprinted toward her. She tried to turn around but the heel of her fake Minnolos caught in the carpet and she fell over landing on her butt. I tried to stifle it but couldn’t and let out a devilish laugh. I reached down and pried the key out of her hand. She covered her face with her hand and winced.

“Please don’t punch me. I just got my nose done.”

The thought hadn’t crossed my mind until she said that but suddenly it didn’t sound like such a bad idea. Maybe a fist in the nose was just exactly what would make me feel better. I thought about it for a moment before finally deciding against it. By now, The Devil was standing up and brushing herself off.

“I think you should get the hell out of my house before I do something I might regret. Like say murder you.”

“I just need to get a couple of his things and I’ll be gone,” she said as she started up the stairs.

I grabbed her by her shirt tail.

“Oh no you don’t. You’re not taking a step further. This is my house and all the belongings in this house now belong to me. Hightail it out of here before I have you arrested for burglary.”

“I had a key. It’s not burglary if I have a key.”

“We’ll see what the cops have to say about that.” I picked up the phone and started to dial 911. “You have 5 seconds.”

“But…”

“Four seconds…”

She stared at me; I stared at her with my finger to the digits. She finally walked back to the door and started to leave.

“This isn’t over," she said.

“Damn right it isn’t.”

Revisions

2007-04-25T15:55:00.000-05:00

The more I edit my book, the most I dislike it. I keep coming up with ideas of ways it could have been better if only I could do it over. I need to write. Editing is not my passion. Writing is. So I've decided to start writing a little story once a week just for fun. It probably won't make any sense or maybe it will. Who knows.

After several days of rain, the sun had finally decided to show its face again. I had thought about venturing out but then had reconsidered. I hadn't been outside in over two weeks. Why start now? I had finally turned my cell phone on yesterday and tried to call the voicemail but hung up after I heard 'You have 97 new messages'. I hadn't had 97 messages cumulative the entire time I had owned my phone. It proved my theory that no one ever called unless you weren't in the mood to talk.

I hadn't bothered calling in sick to work. I hoped they would understand. Who was I kidding? They had probably already sent me my walking papers. I wouldn't know though since I hadn't checked my mailbox. By now, they had probably hired some bubbly little girl straight out of college with an 'I can do anything better than you' attitude. What did I care? Work was the last thing I wanted to do.

I had watched enough of the Young & the Restless to feel like I lived in Genoa City. Their drama had become mine as I became engrossed in their crazy lives. One thing was for sure if I was writing for the soap, the storyline would be a lot better.

For the first few days, someone had kept coming to my door trying to get me to open up. I didn't. My family lived too far away so I knew it couldn't be them. Knowing my mom she had called the landlord or a local friend to have them come "check" up on me as she would have put it. I didn't need checking up on. I could tell her that. I was fine. Just fine. And no one would know any different.

Sports and Skirts

2007-04-23T12:33:00.000-05:00

My fiance and I are trying something new. He wanted us to start a blog where we pick a subject and both talk about it so we can see the differences between girls and guys think and hear the male and female perspective on a subject.

You can check out our new blog by going to sportsandskirts.blogspot.com! Our first post is Top 3 Sitcom Stupid Husbands and Bitchy Wives. Enjoy. :)

Aspirations

2007-04-21T09:03:00.000-05:00

Dreams are good to have. They keep you grounded; they give you something to work towards; they make every day worth living. I used to dream of being an actress, a singer, a beautiful celebrity - unfortunately none of those dreams were realistic for me. But those dreams weren't real. They were more fantasies.

I am well on my way to feeling very accomplished. I have a college degree, a good job and an amazing fiance who will soon be my husband. It would be very easy to feel content. While I think content is a good feeling, I don't think it's good to ever feel completely content. Once you get content, you get lazy and there's nothing left to aspire to.

It's easy to feel knocked down and to feel like my dream is too hard to achieve but I know they are not. They are well in my grasp. They are not easy to achieve but that doesn't not make them unachievable. It will just take hard work and a lot of determination. It will be the hardest thing I have ever done but at the same time it will be the most rewarding.

Just imagine: Veeba, NY Times Best Selling Author!

What kind of world do we live in?

2007-04-17T13:38:00.000-05:00

I have to say that I am very saddened by the events that took place yesterday at Virginia Tech. I usually try to keep my blog from being so serious but it’s hard to do that when massacres like the one that happened yesterday occur. It opens your eyes to what a scary world this can be.

My heart goes out to students, friends, family and anyone else directly involved with the Virginia Tech shootings. I think the whole world is praying for you right now. This was a terrible tragedy that has shaken the entire country.

You always think this could never happen to me or to my school but the truth is that it could. I am sure Virginia Tech was saying the same thing just two days ago and now it has happened to them of mass proportions. It’s a sick world out there. Events like Columbine, the Amish schoolhouse shooting and Virginia Tech remind you just how sick people can be.

I’ve never understood how someone can justify taking another person’s life. It happens more and more every day and it scares me. It scares us all. I think it’s time we all open our eyes and realize that there are no guarantees for tomorrow.

I think this quote puts it best:

Work like you don't need money
Love like you've never been hurt
And dance like no one's watching

Ouch

2007-04-13T13:42:00.000-05:00

It's Friday and normally I would be very happy to hear that but today I have a problem that threatens to ruin my weekend. I think I have a tooth abcess or whatever the hell they are called. My left cheek is swollen and I have a nasty lump that I can feel along my jaw line. It's freaking me out.

I get a little stressed when I get things wrong with me and tend to think the worst. I would say I was a hypochondriac except it usually just so happens that the things I think are wrong with me really are! I thought something was terribly wrong with my back in high school but my family doctor just kept telling me I had a "weak" back and to go to physical therapy. He was wrong. I had a herniated disc that required surgery. Had he caught it earlier I might have been able to control the pain with steroid shots and not have required surgery.

My first though whenever something is wrong is always crazy. Oh my god it's cancer. It's meningitis. This sneeze means I have pneumonia. Usually not the case but with my history it's better to be safe than sorry. A $25 doctor's visit is cheaper than chemotherapy or expensive surgery and eases my mind!

I realized last night that I'm starting to rub off on my fiance. Last night when he came home from work he made me feel a place on his head. He was convinced he had a brain tumor. Upon further investigation of the spot, it appeare he had been bitten by something. (I secretly cheered because our house has a spider problem and he always laughs at me because I wake up every morning with a new spider bite and he hadn't had a single one until then.)

My mom always said I should marry a doctor but I'm not. She always laughed and said I should be a research guinea pig so they could use me as a test case because the doctors never can figure out what the heck is wrong with me until they've ran every test imagineable. I don't know how I feel about people poking and prodding on me though!

For now, I'm stuck wondering what this damn lump is...

Martini Monday=Terrible Tuesday

2007-04-10T13:28:00.000-05:00

What do one, two, three martinis do to a working girl? Make a fun Monday night and a really crappy Tuesday morning. I am suffering the effects of a hangover and I forgot just how NOT fun they are.

It's been awhile since I've drank on a weeknight. In fact, I rarely drink on weekends lately. However, with a friend in town night, we decided to paint the town red. It all started out with just one drink and a bite to eat and ended....well, I can't remember how it ended.

Okay, I'm lying there. I wasn't that bad but I was definitely tipsy and I felt the effects this morning. I debated calling in sick (technically I was) but decided to tough it out. Not sure why - maybe to teach myself a lesson and not reward myself for my own stupidity.

Pink Panther, Strawberry Starburst, Flirtini, Cosmopolitan - they must be foreign for "You're going to feel really bad tomorrow." Oh so right you are!

Wedding Waste

2007-04-02T16:21:00.001-05:00

$11,500

That's how much my wedding is going to cost me.

It's ridiculous. I know. I have tried and tried to keep the cost to the minimum but it still will easily exceed $10,000. I picked a small town because prices are cheaper there. I am not doing any extra stuff nor have I planned anything elaborate. I have only the basics. And as I write this, I just realized that I did not include flowers in this price which could easily cost me another $500.

That chunk of money is money that could be going toward a downpayment on a house. That is money that could be put toward our retirement. That is money that could be saved for our children's college fund. That is money that could be used for a lot of things that we don't currently have. After all, we are 23-year-olds starting our lives with a negative net worth (thanks to student loans).

The average cost of weddings today is over $20,000 so my wedding is even cheap in comparison but I still think $11,000 is way too much money to be spending on ONE day of our life. It makes me sick to think of all the wonderful ways I could spend that money if it wasn't going toward my wedding. To be fair, I am not paying for my wedding in entirety. Both my parents and my fiance's parents are chipping to take some of the burden off of us. However, my fiance figured up last night how much money the wedding would cost us and it came to over $5,000. Of course a large chunk of this money includes the honeymoon and our wedding bands but still this is too much money!

I would like to just forego the whole thing and put that money in a Roth IRA or my 401K or a CD or just put it towards a downpayment on a house. But instead it's going toward one day - granted it is supposed to be the most important day of my life and I am very excited about it - but still it's one day. And I certainly don't make that kind of money in one day! I've finally resolved to forget about what it's costing me and all the stress of it all and just enjoy it because I certainly hope this is the only wedding I'm ever going to have and I want it to be unforgettable. So now I'm looking forward to the wedding but not nearly as much as I'm looking forward to the honeymoon!! Woohoo.

Down but Not Out

2007-03-29T15:22:00.001-05:00

It's Thursday and we all know what that means - it's almost the weekend!! I, for one, could not be any happier. It's been a long week to say the least. I've thought it was Friday all day but at least Friday is in sight. The week wasn't bad, just a little stressful. I had a big problem with one of my projects that led me to have a major freakout but luckily it was quickly handled and corrected. It was stressful but was a valuable experience in problem-solving.

I went bowling last night. I love all things sports related. I had the highest bowling score for the girls the first and last game but sucked it up in the middle. I tend to have an issue staying focused. However, since it was four couples and we combined couple scores we came in dead last each time. How does that work? My fiance was low scorer among the boys every game. He really doesn't suck though! He was just playing against some hella bowlers! One even brought his own ball and shoes. Now you know that is a seasoned bowler.

Plans for the weekend don't amount to much. Might be hitting up the future hubby's hometown. I wasn't excited at first - not that I don't like visiting his parents but sometimes I just like to stay at home and relax. Now I'm glad to be going because we can do wedding stuff, like talk to the tux shop and meet the preacher (if he is even doing my wedding - right now he hasn't confirmed!), talk to his parents about some issues and ideas. Wedding planning definitely keeps me busy!

Aside from that - not a whole lot to report except IT'S FINALLY FRIDAY...almost!

AI Oh My!

2007-03-27T20:22:00.000-05:00

I have to comment on the craziness that is American Idol. If you're not watching it, you should be. I know a lot of people hate it and think it is the devil but I don't understand that thought process. The show helps people go on to live their dream and hooks them up with a killer recording contract. What is evil about that? Nothing in my book.

I hate to plug the site but there's a Web site called Vote For the Worst that picks the worst contestant each week and asks people to call in and vote for them. Apparently last week the site had 4 million hits. I think that does well to explain why Sanjaya is still in the competition despite his terrible performances week after week (he is currently the Vote For The Worst pick – I believe Taylor Hicks was last season but don't quote me on that).

I'm sorry but Sanjaya is terrible. TERRIBLE. When I watch him, I'm humiliated for him. It's to the point where I can't even figure out how he even made it past his first audition. His voice sounds like awful karaoke singing. I think he seems like a cute kid and a genuinely nice guy but this is a singing competition and he can't sing!

Granted I don't always vote for the best singer. I occasionally vote on looks too or personality or just my personal preference. In the first season I liked Kelly Clarkson (and still do). In Carrie's season I liked Carrie (and still do). Last season I loved Chris Daughtry (his CD rocks!) and Katharine McPhee. I wasn't a big fan of Taylor Hicks. So who am I digging and dialing for this season? Gina Glocksen. I've voted for her every week. She's not the best singer. I agree with that but I like her and I can't explain why. Maybe I'll change my mind but for now I'll keep voting. I also love Blake Lewis because he is different – he is not a cookie cutter singer. He has his own unique style.

Who are you voting for? Please tell me it's not Sanjaya…

Monday Fun Day

2007-03-19T09:09:00.001-05:00

No I am not crazy – the headline is a joke. Monday is never a fun day. In fact, Monday is the worst day of the week. After sleeping in and lounging on the couch all weekend, my alarm rings at the crack of dawn for me to get up, get dressed up and head to work. As if that’s not bad enough, my Mondays are always full of meetings that packs my head full of useless crap.

I e-mail my friend on Monday mornings with the same first line. It’s Monday – only 4 more days until the weekend – let the countdown begin! It’s sad I know but it’s the only thing I have to look forward to. What really sucks is that we have to work 5 days a week and only get 2 days to relax. I could use just a little more R&R than that.

In case you were wondering which I’m sure you weren’t, my weekend was good. I went shopping which is one of my favorite activities. I bought the cutest dress for my rehearsal dinner. Now if I could just get the stupid rehearsal dinner planned – oh yeah and the rest of the wedding. No, I didn’t accomplish anything over the weekend. I am the queen of procrastination.

Hope everyone has a great week. Countdown with me…5…4…

More wedding drama

2007-03-16T08:02:00.000-05:00

TGIF!! Woohoo. I could not be more excited to spend the weekend relaxing and hanging with my favorite man. We don't have any exciting plans for St. Patty's Day but just spending time with him excites me enough! It's been a long week and I am very tired.

The wedding plans are still not moving along. We ran into some drama last night with the plans. My future hubby's family was none too happy that I am not having his little sis stand up with me. How they know this I'm not sure since I haven't told them anything about who I picked to be my bridesmaids. And furthermore, I considered having her stand up with me and my fiance didn't think it was necessary. His sister is a good 8 years younger than us so they were never really close growing up. She is going to be in our wedding but as a guest book attendant. Drama drama drama.

This added drama just pushes me one step forward to wanting to fly away and get married in some tropical destination, just the 2 of us where it will be drama free. We'll see if that happens.

Did I mention it's Friday??? Woohoo!

The March Blues

2007-03-13T08:11:00.000-05:00

54 days away from my next work holiday and counting...

March and April really suck when you're a so-called grown-up and work for a living. There isn't a single holiday or day off thrown in there to give us hard working people a break from work. I have been working for about 10 months now and this is the first time that I have become restless and depressed with the endless saga of work.

It's not that I'm unsatisfied because my work is fine as usual. It's just that I need a break. Sure, I have earned time off but I'm saving it. Why? Because I'm getting married in nine months and I'm going to need it and furthermore, I'm a female who could end up pregnant one of these days and need oh say 6 weeks off and I don't want to have to take it unpaid.

My fiance has been getting the worst of my attitude. I go home from work tired and grouchy and I take it out on him. It's stressful to say the least. Somehow I have to figure out how to shake myself out of these March blues because if I don't, April blues are going to hit me like a giant sack of bricks.

Somebody help! What are the best way to ease the working woman (or man) blues?

Everything is Harder Than It Looks

2007-03-07T11:16:00.000-06:00

Mood right now: I just wanna cry

I want to be a writer but not just any old writer - I want to be an author. I want to be an author and I'm sick of just saying that and saying eventually I want to be an author. Eventually might not ever come unless I buckle down right now and try hard to make "eventually" right now. I have composed my first completed novel. I finished it in November - November 30 to be exact. Where is it now? Sitting at home on a jump drive waiting to be edited.

Today I decided that it was time that I jump in head first and pursue my lifelong dream of being an author. It's time to dust off that old memory stick, put it in my computer and start editing. Today I also started researching possible agents to query on my novel. This is the most intimidating thing to me for some reason. I have become a regular reader of misssnark.blogspot.com where an agent answers aspiring author's questions and discusses issues she regularly sees with query letters, manuscript and people. I often find myself falling into the trap she warns her young snarklings against. This terrifies me. Furthermore, today while researching one of the agents I'm considering querying I ran upon her blog. As I read one of her entries, she said there is nothing she hates more than a fiction author who claims that the manuscript is her true story. One line in my already penned query letter says: I AM my nagging, scheming main character. Oops. Already received a no from her without even submitting it unless I revise my query letter (which obviously I will).

Don't get me wrong - I am not going to give up on pursuing my dream of becoming an author. It's always been my dream and until I die I don't plan on giving up on that. I want to be an author. I will be an author. The process is just going to be a lot harder than I ever imagined. I'm not lucky enough to be one of those regular people who has an agent or editor or publishing house just wander onto her blog and fall in love with her flair for writing and insist on signing this blogger to a book deal here and now (yes this really does happen and I know a person it did happen to). Unfortunately that person wasn't me and it's never going to be.

In order to make this particular dream come true, I'm going to have to work hard and I'm going to have to become hardened. I've never taken criticism well and I don't expect this to be any different. If I query 50 agents and they all turn me down, I am going to cry. I am going to be devastated. I am going to want to give up. But I can't. I know that I can't. And I refuse to let myself. I just have to continue to pursue my dream. Sometimes pursuing your dreams can be a tough road to haul!

Hey, baby, Let's go to Vegas

2007-03-01T08:42:00.000-06:00

One day I am stoked about planning my wedding in the town my fiance grew up and the next I'm freaked out about the whole idea and really just want to run off to Hawaii or Vegas or somewhere and elope. It's confusing to say the least.

I go dress shopping and I'm excited to find the perfect dress. I go look at churche and I love the church and can't wait to get married there. I get excited about the reception and the midnight balloon drop and throwing a great party.

And then there's the other side of me. The side that is afraid that people are going to crash the party that I don't like. The side that hated prom and everything that went with. The side that doesn't even care anything about the whole wedding ceremony. The side of me that wants to run away and do it all alone in Hawaii or Mexico with just me and Lee. To be honest, that's the side the most often wins out.

So why bother? Why have the big wedding? I guess you could say part of me still wants that. Part of me wants mine and his family and friends to be there to share that special day. Part of me wants the big tadoo where I am center of attention. Part of me wants the big wedding. The other part of me - the part that is louder most days - doesn't. That part of me is doing it because everyone expects me to have the big wedding. They want to share part of my big day.

I understand this but isn't this my day? Shouldn't I do what I want? And deep down what I really want is to run away with the man I love and get married on a beach underneath the sunset next to the beautiful ocean!

Is Upper Class Status Unattainable?

2007-02-27T15:02:00.000-06:00

My fiance asked me last n ight how we were going to become wealthy and I replied we are already wealthy because we have each other. That was not the answer he was looking for. He wanted to know how we are going to go about becoming filthy, stinking rich. Unfortunately to this question, I didn't have an answer.

We both have good jobs where we make decent salaries - we are by no means lower class - some where in the middle of upper and lower probably more lower middle since we are both fresh out of college with a decent amount of student loans. By way of college students, however, we're both doing okay. We only have a small amount of student loan and neither have car loans or credit card debt. In this day and age, that's pretty remarkable. Yet to him being lower middle or even middle middle is not living the American Dream.

He is always coming up with The Next Big Idea that is going to make us millions. Usually it's a little late in the game and the idea has already been executed by some other genius who made a cool mil. Sometimes his ideas are fresh and good but we have no idea how to go about executing them. How exactly did those geniuses who made the cool mil do it?

I know we still have plenty of time to move up on the career ladder and make larger salaries but even at the top of that ladder looking down I still don't think we will be what my fiance would define as 'wealthy'. I am an author but even if (hopefully when) I get my first book published we still aren't going to be wealthy - I'm not even sure we would be if it was a NY Times Bestseller. Possible but still not very likely.

So how are we going to do it? I don't know yet. But we're open to suggestions.

A Novel Journey

2007-02-01T14:07:00.000-06:00

Book ideas - you never know when they might strike. I had a brilliant one today on my lunch break. Who knew a deli sandwich could be so enlightening? No, my book is not about a deli sandwich. I'm not that terrible of an author.

For those of you who care (and those who don't), my first book is complete and I am drafting a query letter to send to agents to see if they are interested. I am also in the process of editing my novel. It's very overwhelming and a lot of work but it's a very exciting journey.

It has long been my dream to be a published author and hopefully - if my book doesn't suck - that will happen. I know that my query letter/novel might very well be rejected by every single agent I pitch it to. I know this is probably more likely than unlikely but it's still a very exhilarating experience.

I know that no matter what I can't give up. I have to keep chasing my dream. Writing is my passion and even if I never make a single dollar off of it, I plan to continue to pursue it with everything I have.

Wish me luck as I enter chapter 2 of my novel journey!! See ya on the flip side!

Cuz I Had a Bad Day

2007-01-17T12:43:00.000-06:00

Because you had a bad day
You're taking one down
You sing a sad song just to turn it around
You say you don't know
You tell me don't lie
You work at a smile and you go for a ride
You had a bad day
The camera don't lie
You're coming back down and you really don't mind
You had a bad day
You had a bad day

Do you ever have those days where you feel like punching the first person to invade your space just a little too much? Those days where you're pissed off at the world for no apparent reason. Days where you can't seem to shake that nagging feeling that life sucks. Where the world is spinning too fast and you are moving too slow.

Well, I'm having one of those days. I woke up on what I would consider the "right" side of the bed. Hell, logistically it WAS the right side of the bed. Yet before I knew it my day had gone to ordinary to shitty for no apparent reason.

It could be that I actually had to do work at work. Or it could be that I didn't get to spend the day cuddling with my boyfriend. Or it could be that I'm freezing my ass off and no one else is even the slightest bit cold. Yeah none of them reasons seem to reason a crappy a** day. Yet, here I am pissed off.

I think it's winter. I hate winter. It's so darn cold that I can't even stand to go outside. Not to mention that my downstairs at my house is freezing too because the heat doesn't work right. Oh no, there's no problem, according to my rental management. Sure. It's perfectly normal for it to be 50 degrees downstairs and 85 upstairs. Nothing strange about that.

Yes, you could say I'm in a bad mood but to be honest, venting really does help. Hooray for reactivating my blog!

Work vs School: Which Trumps Which?

2007-01-16T14:19:00.000-06:00

Seems I've had this debate over and over again in the last six months or so. Having just graduated from college in May, I entered what so many call "the real world". Unlike others my age, I did not fear the real world but instead welcomed it. School had never been my forte - it had come too easy to me. I spent very little time on any of my classes and yet graduated with honors. How, you might ask? Skill I say, skill! Oh and a whole lot of brains... No not to be too conceited..back on subject!

My fiance (that still sounds so weird) graduated from college in December and began his so-called career on Friday. He is still in the transition phase. Once again last night over drinks and basketball at a local bar, the subject of work versus school: which trumps which came up? So I'm going to do my best to capture the pros and cons of each and come to a well-educated decision. First things first, school!

SCHOOL (and by school I mean college):
Pros:

You only go to class usually about 12-18 hours per week depending on your course load.
Some days you don't even have class
Often when you do, it doesn't start until 9, 10, 11, 12 or if you're really lucky (or lazy), later!
You get Thanksgiving Break, Christmas Break, summer break and the VERY VERY fun spring break (I should know I've done the Panama City thing).
If you want to skip class, there's nothing stopping you and in fact, if your university is big enough, no one will even know.
You can't be fired (but you can flunk out - I guess this would be a con).
Endless frat parties, trips to the party and raging keggers and no one looks at you funny when you show up.

Cons:

You don't get paid.
In fact, not only do you not get paid but you pay to go.
You don't always have weekends free or weeknights for that matter - they are often spent studying.
After several years of hard work, you can flunk out and have nothing to show for your time or money except a few credit hours without a degree.
Tests, tests and more tests.
Unless your parents are helping out, you're probably working to pay your way through or even if they are you're working for beer money.
At the end, there's an oh so large student loan bill with your name on it.

WORK

Pros:

Earned Time Off, Vacation or whatever they call it - If you don't feel like going, don't!
Benefits: Health Insurance, 401K, Dental, Life, whatever..the point is you're covered.
8-5 with a one hour lunch break.
Weekends off.
Paycheck, paycheck, PAYCHECK!
All major and some not so major holidays off!
You don't have to think about/or do work on weeknights or weekends. Can we say FREE WEEKENDS??

Cons:

Monday through Friday 8-5 - it never fails.
If you're not productive, you can get canned.
Bosses and more bosses.
Taxes - social security, state tax, federal tax, can you take any more of my money?
Cubicle hell

Okay so let me tally up the results...math is not my strong suit so give me a few minutes....

....

School: 7 to 7 - they cancel each other out

Work: 7 to 5 - equaling 2 for the PROS side...Yay, work wins and I forgot to even mention money in your bank account. Yay!

I'm sure I missed some so you tell me: what are the pros and cons associated with school and work from your eyes?

He'll be coming around the mountain when he comes...

2007-01-10T11:56:00.000-06:00

I could not be a military wife, girlfriend, mother, friend. It wouldn't work. I have come to that realization after spending 3 weeks away from my fiance. He has been on vacation in Australia since Christmas and is returning this evening. I can't wait to see him. It's been awful not having him here with me.

I have experienced what would happen if I was a military wife before. When I was 19, my boyfriend at the time enlisted in the National Guard. He left for the summer to go to boot camp and during that time I fell out of love with him. At first I missed him and it was hard but gradually I began to forget about him and his calls became more of an annoyance than a job. At the beginning I waited by the phone for his call. At the end, he was lucky if I even took the call. The day after he came back, I broke his heart. I still don't know if he's ever forgiven me.

Don't worry - there's no danger of that happening with my new fiance. I still love him and missed him terribly while he was gone and can't wait for him to return. However, I did notice that the more days that went by the less I thought about him (but I still thought about him lots).

I just think it would be hard to have your husband be gone for months, years at a time. At some point you have to stop yourself from thinking about him, relying on him and become more independent. You become a singular unit instead of this collective Mr. and Mrs. And at some point when he returns he throws your whole life out of whack. You have someone who you have to call if you're going to be late, you have someone you have to consult before making decisions. It's just different.

With that being said, I am so thankful that my fiance is not in the military. Don't get me wrong I would be extremely proud of him and support him wholly, it would just be hard and I don't think I'm cut out for that. I give props to the countless women (and men) who do it every day.

Bling Bling

2007-01-08T09:52:00.000-06:00

For those of you who started reading my blog over a year and a half ago, the day you never thought would happen has finally came. I am ENGAGED complete with a sparkling diamond ring.

In a move that took me by complete surprise, my boyfriend of two years proposed to me on Sunday, December 17. It was the most romantic proposal and he had done a lot of planning to make it special and it truly was. He graduated from college and the following day he proposed to me. Later when talking to his family he told them that he got two really great things this weekend: a college degree and as of ten minutes ago, a fiancé. It was amazing to hear him call me his fiancé.

The crazy thing was that he had the ring for three months before proposing just waiting until the perfect time to do it. He wanted it to be a surprise and a special moment that I would remember forever. He accomplished that. I could not love my future husband anymore than I do!

Now that I’m engaged the wedding planning begins and to tell you the truth, I wasn’t prepared for what this entailed. I thought it would be fun and easy. I was wrong. It’s overwhelming. It’s tiring. It’s stressful. Most of all, it’s just not me. I don’t like doing it. I am torn on whether to have the big tadoo or fly across the ocean and tie the knot there.

On one hand, I want my family and friends to all be there to witness the special moment in our lives. I want to have a big fun reception where we can party and celebrate this momentous occasion. On the other hand, I don’t want to put in the work to have a big tadoo. I’ve always wanted to get married in a gazebo by water and if I went to Hawaii or Mexico or Jamaica, I could do just that. On the downside: all my family and friends would get to witness it. On the even further downhill side, I wouldn’t get as many presents. Yes, I am greedy.

What to do, what to do? I have no idea. I guess I’ll probably do the big wedding since that is what my fiancé wants and deep down what I really want to. At least I have a year to plan this wedding. We’re getting married next New Year’s Eve. It should be quite a celebration. A countdown to the rest of our lives…the clock starts now!

Landlords: Why They Suck

2006-12-06T11:47:00.000-06:00

After four years of renting, I think I know a thing or two about landlords and what I know is that THEY SUCK! Most of the time I have had no (or very few) problems with my landlords. My first year of renting the only problem I had was when I was moving out they charged me $50 because one of my oven burners wasn't 100 percent clean. Bullshit but whatever.

My second year my landlord was certifiably insane but yet she still didn't really bother me that much. Yea when we had visitors there was no where for them to park and sometimes they got towed, but hey shit happens. I got through the year just fine.

My third year was fine too without a single problem with the landlord which is why we chose to resign at the same duplex. Shortly after we did we find out that the landlord is resigning and the rental company that owns us is trying to sell us.

This starts the endless supply of pain in the ass requests. Now you must pay your rent all together in one check (getting 3 college girls' money before the beginning of the month so you can write a check is hell). Now instead of dropping the rent check in the drop box right up the street, you now have to mail it or drive it clear across town.

It got annoying. In fact, 2 of my roommates decided they were moving (mostly because they had jobs elsewhere). We asked to be released from our lease (after paying an appropriate buyout fee specified in the lease). Despite the lease saying that we could buyout of our lease if we moved 50 miles or more for work, they refused to let us out. Cocksuckers!

Anyhow...then they try to inform us that we owe $25 more in rent each month because they made a mistake on the lease and didn't charge us for our washer/dryer. Too damn bad. You're not getting it, oh shitty landlord.

Oh wait, here's an idea. When I see you get your ass out and plow the snow from our street and driveway and sidewalks like you did for your other apartment complexes, then AND ONLY THEN will I pay the extra $25. Yeah that's what I thought...

First Snow

2006-11-30T12:27:00.000-06:00

Why is that every year on the first snow of the year you oversleep. You are already going to be pushing it to make it to work on time and then you go out to your car and the doors are frozen shut and you have a thick layer of ice on the windshield. This was my story this morning.

I never get up early. I'm usually pushing it to make it to work on time but usually I arrive at least 5 or 10 minutes early. Not today. Today I get up at 7:20 (I have to be at work at 8); I eat breakfast and get dressed. I go out to my car at a quarter till 8 to heat it up and turn on the defroster. Oh what do you know, the door won't open. It's frozen tight.

Well, lucky for me my big, buff boyfriend is still asleep in my bed so I wake him up, make him get dressed and come out and help me (poor guy). So he comes out in the freezing cold weather and spends 30 minutes helping me get in my car and scrape my windows.

My mom's advice? You need DeIcer to unfreeze the doors. Yes, mom, I am well aware of that at this point but guess what...I don't have any and my doors are frozen shut so I can't drive and get any. Next suggestion? Okay hot water...thanks (word of advice: make sure the hot water does not hit your windows because it could cause them to crack).

Anyway so I finally get in my car, get the windows scraped and to work only 15 minutes late. Hey that isn't bad! Only to find out that hardly any one else in the office went through the trouble of coming to work. What crap! So here I am sulking that I am at work instead of at home in my jammies...

I'm a novelist

2006-11-29T15:38:00.000-06:00

Well, it's official - I am now an accomplished novelist. Okay, so I don't know how "accomplished" I am but I did finish my NaNoWriMo novel. 50,551 words. At times it was exhilarating; at times it was exhausting; at times it way trying; at times it was triumphing - whatever it was, it's now finished.

So what is my prize you might ask? Self glorification, satisfaction and a feeling of accomplishment. I wrote a novel - a whole stinking novel. How many people can say that?

Where do I go from here? That's a question I've been asking myself. I considered self-publication through the likes of lulu.com but because I desire to be a New York Times Bestselling Author, I decided that's not for me. Instead I am going to do something crazy and totally unoriginal - I am going to query agents and publishing houses to see if they are interested in my book.

Of course I'm not quite there yet. I still have to complete vigorous editing and rewriting and more editing before my manuscript is worthy of being read by those much higher up than me.

If you have any suggestions for me on how to go about getting a book published, I could really use them so send them my way!

Thanks for standing by while I finished my novel. I know it wasn't easy.

Full Speed Ahead

2006-11-12T22:19:00.000-06:00

I should be putting these words toward my novel but here goes anyways. Sorry for neglecting my blog but if you read my last post you should be well aware that I am in the midst of writing a novel (50,000 words in 30 days). For all you non-mathmeticians out there thats over 1500 words per day. Plus I have a full-time job that occupies most of my days. So needless, to say I am very very busy lady.

I appreciate all your support for my novel and it is going really great. I am now at 32,000 words in only 12 days which means I have 18 days to write the remaining 18,000 - I believe that's 1,000 words per day which is very manageable. Right now I am averaging about 2,000 words a day so I'm right on track.

I'm liking the direction of my novel so far. It is sort of an autobiography embellished quite a bit. The title is The Quest for the Holy Diamond and it is a story of a girl desperately trying to get her boyfriend to propose to her all the while driving him and everyone else around her crazy. Will she get the guy and the diamond she has been asking for or will she get the boot?

For all of you who are interested, below is a snippet of my novel so far. I will eventually publish it (even if I have to self-publish) and for those of you who are interested, I will tell you how to purchase it (if it ever makes it that far). For now, you can read parts on here. Hope you enjoy!

I got up later than I had planned the next morning so I hurriedly got ready. The phone rang just as I was headed out the door. I debated not answering it but since I didn’t have caller ID on my house phone it would drive me crazy wondering who was calling. I picked up on the second ring.
“Hello?”
“Good morning baby.”
It was Ryan. I was surprised to hear from he. He didn’t usually call in the mornings.
“Hey. To what do I owe this pleasure?”
“I missed you. I hated sleeping last night without you, Em.”
“I miss you too.”
“I have a surprise for you when I get back.”
“A diamond ring?”
“You know I already ordered that, baby.”
“Yeah right.”
“I did. It’s on its way from Aboo Dobi.”
“Uh huh. That’s what you said three weeks ago and it still hasn’t arrived.”
“It takes awhile to get here from Aboo Dobi. Plus they are sending it pony express.”
“Pony express? What happened to snail mail?”
“All the snails are extinct in Aboo Dobi. They use ponies.”
“Well, when did you order it?”
“A few weeks ago.”
“I would think the pony would be here by now.”
“Well, it would have been but they ran into a problem.” “A problem? What problem?”
“The pony fell and broke his leg.” “So tell them to call another pony.”
“I did but they said it was their last pony.” “Their last pony? That’s not even possible.” “I know, that’s what I said. I told them I needed that ring right away and asked if there was anything I could do to get it here faster.”
“And what’d they say?” “They said there was one thing I could do.”
“So do it. I need that ring, Ryan. I need that ring right now and I won’t take no for an answer! What did they tell you to do.”
“They had to put it on a camel to send it the rest of the way.”
“Really. A camel? Do they even have camels in Aboo Dobi? What is it a desert or something?” “They have tons of camels. In fact, they are camel farmers there.”
“Well, I hope they gave you a discount and it was one of those speedy camels because we’re on a deadline here. We’re getting married in 10 months.”
“Oh it’ll be here. The camel is trotting along just as fast as a camel can possibly move which if you ask me isn’t that much faster than a snail and a snail probably would have been cheaper than a camel. Yes, a snail would have definitely been cheaper. I’m going to go with snail mail.”
“Sure, honey. Thanks. Sorry to run but I am supposed to be meeting Tessa in 10 minutes and I’m going to be late. Thanks for calling. I love you.”
“Love you too. I’ll see you tomorrow.”
I had to admit it was a creative story. It very creatively pissed me off. Ryan and me had been dating for over two years. Much longer that Tessa had been dating Johnny – in fact it was one year and nine months longer than Tessa had been dating Johnny. Yet I felt like Ryan wasn’t any closer to popping the question that he was when we first started dating. Not that I was surprised really. Ryan didn’t get around to anything in a timely manner. At this pace, I would probably be engaged by my 50th birthday. Of course then it would be another 15 years before I got Ryan down the aisle.

To be continued...

I may be crazy but...

2006-10-31T09:44:00.000-06:00

It's a possibility that I am certifiably insane. I am about to embark on one of the craziest adventures of my life. I am going to attempt to write a novel in a month. I have entered National Novel Writing Month. National Novel Writing Month, aka nanowrimo, is a charge to write 50,000 words during the month of November.

I've always said I want to be an author and I'm going to write a book. When I was 12, I hand wrote a 196 page book (yes I had big handwriting), but since then I have been upcapable of writing an entire novel.

I began one last summer and made it to 15,000 words but couldn't decide on an ending for the novel so the unfinished manuscript still sits on my computer hard drive waiting to see how it will end. This really disappoints all of my friends who I had let read the early manuscript and I have left hanging on who the murderer is going to be.

My downfall was letting people read it before I was finished. They could give me feedback and ideas and it really messed up the flow of my book and stunted my creativity. I’m not going to make that same mistake twice. No one – and I do mean no one will read my book or know what is going to happen until Nov. 30 at midnight when I write my 50,000th word (or more if I am feeling really creative next month).

I am going to try not to even talk about the storyline more than I have already. My book is entitled “The Quest for the Holy Diamond” and is sort of the story of my life and my desire to get engaged to my boyfriend. It’s not entirely autobiographical though. It is only based loosely on my story. The characters are not me and my boyfriend – despite how interesting we think we are, I doubt anyone else would enjoy reading about our love for watching movies.

I am excited; I am nervous; I am anxious to begin this journey. I have high hopes that my novel will be a bestseller but whether I sell 0 copies or a million copies I am going to be a success because I am going to write a novel in a month.

In the meantime, I’m going to be incredibly caffeinated and bitchy! Sorry for that.

Fist What

2006-10-28T17:00:00.000-05:00

We've all been there, when the other person holds up their fish towards you begging for the meeting of the fists, the hippest new high five, hand shake. But here's the question, what is this meeting of the fists called?

I call it a fist knocker. One fist knocks the other one to say hey, how are you or cool idea or way to go. Whatever you're trying to say, the fist knocker conveys it.

Yet the other day I heard a guy call it a fist ease (not sure how ease would be spelled so I'll do my best). I'd never heard it referred to this way so it made me question myself or maybe him.

On a t.v. commercial, another man called it a knuckle bump. "Hey, man, knuckle bump!"

So many names, one fist to fist greeting. So what's the proper slang? Tell me what you call it? I'd hate to use not so cool language with such a cool gesture.

Fist knocker, fist ease, knucker knocker, something else entirely? Give it to me straight!

The Long Goodbye

2006-10-23T15:00:00.000-05:00

He looks so cold and still
Silent as the night
Just by looking at him
I can tell something isn’t right

Is he going to tell me goodbye
Will he say he’ll miss me
Or will he keep on staring
Like he doesn’t even see

It’s time for him to say something
I’d be happy with just a smile
To let me know everything’s okay
If only for a little while

But there is nothing
Silence is all I hear
I stand there shaking
Down comes another tear

He isn’t going to smile
He isn’t going to talk
We’ll never even get to
Take another walk

He didn’t leave a note
He didn’t tell us why
He didn’t even take the time
To tell us all goodbye

It’s too late to take it back
The decision has been made
It won’t be much longer
Before all our memories fade

They say it’s almost time
Take just one last glance
If you want to say goodbye
This is your last chance

The casket is closing now
It’s headed in the ground
Still you do not move
Silence is the only sound

Always a Bridesmaid, Never a Bride

2006-10-05T13:58:00.000-05:00

Another wedding, another supporting role, another time I didn’t get the starring role. I am serving as bridesmaid extraordinaire once again for another friend’s wedding, this time my sisters. This is my third experience as a bridesmaid – twice for sisters, once for my best friend; and to tell you the truth, it’s exhausting.

Couples shower, bridal shower, bachelorette party, rehearsal dinner, pre-wedding prep and finally the big moment. The only release is the reception where you can finally get lit and run around three sheets to the wind.

Of course, even the reception isn’t all fun and games because you have to prepare for the big toast. For me, the big toast is even more exhausting because I am a journalism graduate, a former newspaper reporter and a novelist hopeful, so friends and family expect more from me than the typical toast.

My first experience as a bridesmaid I didn’t have to give a toast. My second time I did and delivered successfully with great love and live quotes that no one was familiar with weaved intricately into a speech about how much my friend meant to me. Unfortunately I can’t reuse though since half of the guests at this wedding were also at the last wedding I gave the toast at (joys of living in a small town).

I decided this time, since the bride was my sister, I had to step it up a notch and deliver a truly memorable toast unlike the typical bridesmaid/maid-of-honor toast. I crafted a special poem about growing up together and my sister and her fiancé meeting specialized just for them with rhyming couplets. I think mission accomplished but I guess I’ll let the crowd be the judge of that. Will I get monstrous applause or eardrum-shattering silence? Let’s the hope not the latter.

Furthermore, I hate being stared at. It’s horrifying for me. I get insanely embarrassed, my face turns bright red and I get fidgety. So why not stand in front of 200 people for an hour? Perfect. Last time I was in a wedding, I stumbled on the bottom of my dress going up the stairs, then had to step down in order to get up on the stair. All while trying to be graceful and elegant. Ha!

The big moment is only two days away. Wish me luck and keep your fingers crossed that I make it down the aisle without a hitch and deliver a flawless and moving toast! Score two for the bridesmaid!

Oh and Thad, if you’re reading, yes another wedding! You know what that means...

Quitting: it's easier said than done

2006-09-18T14:25:00.000-05:00

We’ve all heard the phrase that’s easier said than done, but I have found an exception to this well-known saying. That exception is quitting. It’s certainly not easier said than done. In fact, it’s very hard to say and really mean it.

I believe “I quit” has to be two of the hardest words to say in the English language. But why are those two little words so hard? To quit is defined as “to stop, cease or discontinue.”

But the more commonly accepted definition of quitting is to accept defeat; stop trying; and admit that you are a failure. Something all of us have a hard time accepting. No one wants to admit they’ve been defeated and there is something or someone better than them – that they are simply put, a failure.

I don’t see quitting as synonymous with failure though. I see it as the normal succession of life. As one stage of our life ends, another begins. When I was in eighth grade, I “quit” track to focus on softball. I “quit” a waitressing job to get experience in my future career. These were all normal progressions in life. We can’t do everything as much as we’d life to.

Regardless, when I quit track, I felt like a failure. I wasn’t fast enough. I couldn’t jump high enough. I couldn’t throw the shot put far enough. When I quit waitressing, I couldn’t handle the pressure. I wasn’t friendly enough. I wasn’t organized enough.

When I quit writing in my blog, I didn’t say anything. I just did it. In fact, I didn’t even really think about it. I would run into a few people here and there who would ask me why I hadn’t posted and I’d respond by saying I was too busy. Because isn’t that always our excuse? Too busy to hit the gym. Too busy to read that book. Too busy to call an old friend. But the truth of the matter is I’m not too busy. Too lazy, maybe; but not too busy.

So, my old blog friends, I think it’s time that I quit quitting and start blogging. Because they say Quitters never prosper and I do love a little prosperity!

Second Chances and Other Random Musings

2006-06-23T09:06:00.000-05:00

So it's been awhile. I almost forgot about this whole blog thing that used to suck me in and almost didn't spit me out. It was this blog that consumed my whole summer just a year ago. And now..it's nothing but a distant memory. A distant memory which I am about to bring back to life.

I consider myself a writer and as a writer sometimes you just can't write. They have a name for it - writer's block - but that's not the name I refer to it as. I refer to it as life block. It's when life hasn't thrown you enough lemons to make lemonade. Life hadn't thrown me enough words to write a blog entry. But now it has.

My life has been a series of changes in 2006. I went down to part-time student status and only took 4 hours while I worked almost full-time at an internship. It was both rewarding and challenging and the best part of all is that it's over.

It's over because I am now a college graduate. I have my degree (well, figurately not literally - I'm still waiting on that to be mailed to me but the point is I've completed the requirements). I graduated with my bachelors in journalism from one of the finest journalism schools in the world. Yes, I am one smart cookie.

It was a stressful semester as I searched for a job that would both challenge and reward me. It took many resumes and cover letters but only two interviews and I landed the job of my dreams - well almost. So it's not the job of my dreams - I'm not a famous author or a screen play writer or a soap writer but hey it's paying the bills (well I might add) and I am able to live in the town I love and in the career I enjoy (public relations). Yep, my life is pretty good right now.

On top of that, I am in love. Head over heels in love. None other than to the man that I wrote amazing things about when I first began this blog. The same man who later broke my heart but eventually came back to me with more love than I could ever imagine.

I've never had a relationship that consisted of such perfectness. No fighting, no disagreements, do dissatisfaction. Just pure joy. Pure happiness. The best part of my day is always the part where I come home, lay down next to my man, and spend the night cuddling. Nothing could be more perfect.

So, as you can tell, life has thrown me lemons and I am overflowing in lemonade. Let's just hope my cup doesn't runneth over!

Email not always a good thing!

2006-04-03T15:12:00.000-05:00

Note to self and all others:

Double-check the To address when sending emails. I just sent out a super humiliating email to a fellow colleague. After asking about job opportunities for my boyfriend, I attempted to forward the email on to my boyfriend.

With lots of xoxo and one sexual reference (light the flame of desire…at least a couple times), I sent the email off with a big love you at the end. End of email.

Oh but no, not the end of email. One hour later I see an email from the same lady who I had inquired to about jobs. It reads:

I don’t think that this email was intended for me. J Thanks.
Yes, same email with flames of desire. Pretty sure my face is still red. Very humiliating!!

Wow, time flies!

2006-02-18T23:43:00.000-06:00

It's been over a month since my last post - the longest I've ever gone in between posts. Sorry for the extended absence. I'm working way too much, playing too hard and in a startling development - dating my ex-boyfriend again. No, I'm not stupid and things are good.

I'm looking for a job. Who knew finding a job was a full-time job in itself? Certainly not me. Too bad someone doesn't just hand me one - wouldn't that make things easy? Instead I search and search and so far to no avail.

Other news...well, not much. Looking forward to Olympic figure skating. Go Sasha! I'll try not to let so much time elapse before I post again. Good night everyone!

The Character of You

2005-12-28T14:44:00.000-06:00

"But the most exciting, challenging and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself. And if you find someone to love the you you love, well, that's just fabulous." ~Carrie Bradshaw, Sex and the City

This quote from Sex and the City was not one I expected to find in my most recent read, Love Smart by Dr. Phil McGraw. I received the book for Christmas from my mom (no it wasn't a hint - I actually asked for it. I figured I could use a little help because I don't always make the best choices in men.)

In a book about relationships, finding the man of your dreams, and love, I didn't expect to find a quote by Carrie Bradshaw or any other character on Sex and the City. But there it was - at the beginning of Chapter 3: The Character of You, a chapter on figuring out who you are and what you want.

So what was this quote doing in my book about finding love? Turns out you can't find love until you find yourself. This should be obvious but for most of us it isn't. We think that we will push on and find true love and then develop the character of you. But it won't happen. Before you can truly find love and be happy, you must first develop who you are, what you want, and your own self.

I stopped after Chapter 3. I didn't need to read on. When Dr. Phil asked me to write down a list of who I am and try to define the character of me, I couldn't. I didn't even know where to begin. I had my name, my age, where I grew up, but what else could I really say about myself? I didn't know.

So I put down Dr. Phil's book. Before I can read any further, I need to figure myself out. I need to know who I am and what I want. Then after that is over - and it might not be for awhile - I will continue and figure out how to do that great search for the man of my dreams if he exists (Dr. Phil assures me he does.)

It's hard to see the book and not pick it up wanting to read on, wanting to learn about this game of love and how to become a better player. But then I realize: what good does it do to play this game if I don't know who I want to play it against? And until I do, I will just be settling.

So I wait and I hope...

"As we speed along this endless road to the destination called who we hope to be, I can't help but whine, 'Are we there yet?'" ~Carrie Bradshaw, Sex and the City

Nick and Jessica Split: No More Perfect Couples

2005-11-25T22:21:00.000-06:00

Okay it’s finally official: Nick Lachey and Jessica Simpson are separating. I know people – friends and even my sister – that cried when they heard the news. After 3 years of marriage, the couple announced in a statement that they are going their seperate ways.

We all dream of being celebrities and look at them for how we should live and love and now the two most famous celebrity couples – the “perfect couples” – of Brad Pitt and Jen Aniston and Nick Lachey and Jessica Simpson are kaput.

It’s not uncommon for celebrities to marry and then divorce. Tom and Nicole. Kenny and Renee. Brad and Jen. But now Nick and Jessica too? Our MTV Newlyweds who seemed so happy. How can this be?

I’ve long been jaded about love, relationships and marriage. Anyone who reads this blog on a regular basis knows this. But the world is just giving me more and more reasons to be jaded about love. 50 percent of all marriages end in divorce. In the celebrity world, it’s probably closer to 90. The facts are in front of us, people. Why do we keep denying it?

We grew up on Disney movies and great love stories. We all want the fairy tale love. Julia Roberts said it best in Pretty Woman when she said 'I want the fairy tale."

We too as human beings have a tendency to want it all. So what happens when the great love story falls short of a fairy tale? Who's to blame? The other person of course. They let you down. They weren't the prince charming they were supposed to be. So what do you do? You kick them to the curb. You dump them. You move on to the next hopeful prince charming. Another marriage ends in divorce.

If we really want love, we need to get real and accept that there's not goign to be a fairy tale. This isn't Disney's Cinderella nor is it a Hollywood blockbuster where the actors are being paid to fall in love. This is life. And in life there's bad that comes along with the good. Pain with the happiness. Anger with the laughter.

The celebrities are just emulating what those of us who aren't in denial already know. There's gonna be pain, heartbreak, sadness. There's gonna be divorce. Quit putting these celebrities up on a pedastool as the perfect couple because they're not. They're just newlyweds, husband and wife trying to make their way through the world. Theirs is just a little more photographed.

Julia Roberts also said in fairy tale when she talked about her fairy this: "When I was a little girl my Mamma used to lock me in the attic when I was bad, which was pretty often. And I would, I would pretend I was a Princess trapped in the tower by a wicked Queen. And then suddenly this Knight, on a white horse, with these colors flying, would come charging up and draw his sword, and I would wave. And he would climb up the tower and rescue me. But never in all the time that I had this dream did the Knight say to me, "Come on baby, I'll put you up in a great condo."

But you know what. The fairy tale is great but the truth is more like the latter about the condo. There isn't going to be a knight on a white horse. But for now I'll settle for tall, dark and handsome in a great car! :)

Why Can't I Be on the Real World

2005-11-22T21:53:00.000-06:00

Like Martin Luther King, Jr. once said "I have a dream." Mine, however, is a little more selfish. I want to be on MTV's The Real World. Tonight's finale made me realize that it is my life's calling.

What could be better than becoming famous for nothing more than beging picked to live with 7 seven strangers in a house to find out what happens when you stop being nice and start getting real. Oh yea and do a lot of drinking and very little working. It's what I do anyways. Why not be on tv while doing it?

I've thought a lot about who I would be like from previous shows and I couldn't decide. I am definitely a drunk. A crazy drunk who will do anything after a few beers. I am loud. I talk about people behind their backs. I lie. I cheat. I hook up. Oh yea and I love drama. A day without drama is like a day without air for me.

So I'm thinking about putting together a tape for the next casting call (hopefully there will be one soon). The only problem is I need ideas of what I should do in my video to make the producers pick me. Help me ya'll! I need to be on the Real World. It's my calling!

Don't Cry For Me

2005-11-21T19:05:00.000-06:00

As we grow up, we learn that the one person that wasn't supposed to ever let you down probably will. You will have your heart broken probably more than once and it's harder every time. You'll break hearts too, so remember how it felt when yours was broken. You'll fight with your best friend. You'll blame a new love for things an old one did. You'll cry because time is passing too fast, and you'll eventually lose someone you love. So take too many pictures, laugh too much, and love like you've never been hurt because every sixty seconds you spend upset is a minute of happiness you'll never get back.

~Wow, I got that above selection in an email. It really hit home. How true it is. Every line of it spoke to me. Everyone has let me down at some point in my life as I'm sure I've let everyone else in my life down many times.

My heart's been broken several times and every time it hurts a little bit more because each heart break reminds you of the last and hurts twice as much.

I have fought with my best friend numerous times. We've been close, not close, close again and most recently - not close again. People drift apart. As hard as you try to stay together, it's inevitable that you will fight and at some point drift off.

Old loves set the tone for new loves. Everything they do wrong that mimics an old love only makes things worse. You blame them for mistakes in the past thinking they should know better.

And most recently I lost someone I love. I've lost them emotionally through breakups but that's the easy part. The hard part is losing someone you love through death and not having a chance to ever get closure or ever know what might have happened. That's hard and it hurts every day, some days more than others.

Just how many minutes have I lost crying and being unhappy when those should have been seconds, minutes, hours of happiness. Minutes that I will never get back no matter how hard I try.

Life is too short to cry over spilled milk. I've made mistakes. I've had my heart broke. I've lied, I've cheated. I've cried. But in the end there's going to be a tomorrow when I need to put the past in the past and live for today. Today starts now.

I'm Not a Girl, Not Yet a Woman

2005-11-20T22:10:00.000-06:00

Stop spinning so fast. I can't sit still. Stop the time from ticking away. I can't run fast enough. Slow down the hours, the days, the months. I can't even remember yesterday. Stop the aging - I'm not ready to grow up.

My continuous dream of the world stopping if only for just a minute keeps getting dashed. The world isn't listening to me and it's all happening too fast. I'm not ready to grow up. I'm not ready to graduate. I'm not ready to be an adult, a wife, a mother. I'm just a kid.

When did I grow up? When did I become more than just a carefree teen? Why am I constantly talking about the future - a career, a home, a life of my own complete with bills to pay? I can't handle this. Who's life is this? It can't be mine.

I'm scared. I'm not ready. I'm still just a girl not yet a woman. I still remember that song defining me at high school graduation as it played during my senior video highlighting my greatest memories. I still remember it all too clearly. I was just a girl not yet a woman. No I'm a woman no longer a girl. How come I don't feel any different?

Sometimes I wish it'd all stop. That I'd forget. That maybe - if just for a moment - the world would forget me and for a second I'd be happy, content, no longer afraid. But then the phone rings, a friend pops in, something has to be done and it all ends. It's back to the endless list of tasks and things I must do today. It's no more of the lazy, carefree girl not yet a woman.

Maybe tomorrow will be different. Maybe I'll hit the snooze. Maybe I won't wake up. Maybe I won't have to go through the endless tedious daily exercise that has consumed my life. Maybe. Maybe not because before I have time to remember that I want it all to stop I'm out running again. Maybe I am a woman.

A Pessimist At Heart

2005-11-18T16:36:00.000-06:00

I pretend to be a believer. I pretend to be a dreamer. I pretend to be a lot of things but one thing I can no longer pretend to be is an optimist. Sure the grass is greener on the other side but right now that's just not the side I'm on.

I've thought a lot lately about love and relationships. I have never been 100 percent sold on the idea of true love. In fact, I don't believe in it at all. I don't consider it being jaded or pessimistic though. I just consider it the reality.

Sure I believe in the idea of love. I have even been in love once or twice. What I don't believe in, however, is one great love or soul mates or that one person you're supposed to spend the rest of you life with.

Charlotte on Sex and the City talked about how we only get two great loves in our lives. If you miss out on both of them, you are doomed to be alone and unhappy. I think that's a bunch of bullsh*t.

Instead I believe in the idea of an endless number of loves because love is what you make of it. Love is something that you create in a relationship. It's something that builds through time. It's not something that in instantaneous or immediate.

Sure it hurts when you fall in love and then it ends. But that's life. People die. Love dies. Everything ends eventually. But you have to pick up the pieces and move on. You have to rebuild. You have to live.

Relationships are so hard. So time-consuming. They take so much out of a person. So much that eventually you just lose yourself. At some point in a relationship you stop being you and I'm tired of it. I want what I want when I want it and I refuse to sacrifice any part of myself for a man. I realize that until I stop being so selfish I won't find love. But right now that's not important to me because I'm not looking for love. I'm not even looking for a relationship. And this is seriously the first time in my life I can actually say that. Here I am. Just me and that's enough.

First Hearbreak

2005-11-17T15:48:00.000-06:00

Last night I went out my first love - my high school boyfriend who I went out with for 3 years. We go to the same college and are still very good friends. We went out for dinner and to catch up and talk. He is engaged to be married this summer.

It's so strange how everytime we get together it's almost like nothing has changed. We can always pick up where we left off and never have any awkward silences or moments. He's always been there for me over the years whenever I was upset or sad or needed him. And he's always the person I call when I need to talk to someone.

We broke up over 2 years ago right before my sophomore year of college. We fought a lot and because it was both of our first relationship, I felt like we needed to experience other things and date other people.

It is hard to see someone you love and will probably always love with someone else and planning a wedding. It sucks. I love this guy more than anything in the world and probably always will. I know that we will never get back together and I wouldn't want to because us as a couple just didn't work. Neither of us would be happy.

But yet I continue to love him and want him to be a part of my life. I always kind of thought it was crap about how you will always love your first love but apparently it's true. I have had many other boyfriends that have come and gone and just like them so does my love for them or whatever feelings I had. This guy is the only guy that I have continued to love and want to be in my life.

Why is that? What is it about a first love that makes the heartbreak last forever? Why do those feelings continue to linger? Why can't you just get over it and move on as we do with other breakups and relationships. I really think I need to read "It's a Breakup Because It's Broken." Maybe that would give me some insight. Any advice?

Dating - It's all so complicated!

2005-11-08T18:16:00.000-06:00

Question of the day: When is dating officially considered dating? First date, second date, third date? I've given this a lot of thought.

I do not consider going on a first date with someone "dating" them. I think it's more of an interview to see if you would even be interested in dating that person.

So is it second date then? I still don't think this is considered dating. Sure, the first date went well enough to give it a second chance. Or maybe it sucked so bad you figured it couldn't get any worse. Still, I think the second date isn't yet dating. It's more of a callback. "You intrigued me last time, so I thought I'd bring you in to ask you a few more questions, maybe move past 1st base, see if this thing has any potential."

My money's on the third date. You know each other. You've had the whole runthrough of "How old are you, what's your major, what do you like to do for fun, what's your plan for the future, etc etc." At this point you're hanging out with each other because you like each other's company. Maybe you find them exciting, maybe comforting, maybe you must plain like them. Either way, I think at this point it's considered dating.

So after the 3rd date do you start telling people you're dating someone? It's still not exclusive unless you've had "the talk" (this is a whole nother post for a different time!), but you aren't necessarily single. You are dating someone. Should you tell people that?

When is the official time that dating is considered "dating"?

Words from the Heart

2005-11-06T22:46:00.000-06:00

Sometimes the sadness just gets to be too much
It hits me each night as I lie down like a punch
Why doesn’t anyone care about me
What is it that I can’t see
Am I a two-headed monster or the devil itself
Am I just a book on a dusty old shelf
The people they come and go
They are a lover, a friend and a foe
But it doesn’t matter who the are
Because they can’t not erase my scar
My heart is broken
Words left unspoken
Dreams shattered
Lives scattered
I try to make it all go away
But yet the sadness will stay
I can’t go on like this
In a state of unhappiness
I need it all to just slow up
Someone to fill my cup
It can’t be half empty for always
Someone please wipe my tears away
Fill my cup up to the rim
Make my life a little less dim
Help the sun to shine through
And turn the tears into just morning dew
Please just stop the beating of my heart

Please just give me a fresh new start

New Favorite Holiday

2005-11-01T10:36:00.000-06:00

It's official: Halloween is my new favorite holiday. I used to think it was Christmas but I have completely changed my mind. I'm not even sure that Halloween really counts as a holiday but to me it does.

What other holiday do you get to party your a** off for multiple days (Thursday, Friday, Saturday and Monday for me). New Year's is great but that's only 1, 2 days max and it's so cold then. It's also the only holiday that you don't have to spend with your family because you don't really have family dinners or anything which is great.

Reason #3 that I love Halloween: The costumes. What other day of the year do you have a total excuse for dressing up like a complete hoe. Right. Because the cat ears and whiskers really constituted as a "costume." No not really. We just dressed up as slutty as possible in all black threw on some ears and drew whiskers on with eyeliner and went dancing.

The candy's also great. My mom gave me tons which I have almost devoured. I truly love Halloween and can't wait till next year. I can't believe it's already over. I really can't believe it's November already. Where has the time gone?

In other business, I am seriously considering moving to D.C. when I graduate in May. My new friend who wants to do public relations just like me is moving out there in May and she is trying to talk me into coming with her and getting a job out there. The first time she asked I just laughed it off but now after thinking about I am seriously considering it. I even just looked up some jobs in the D.C. area.

I always thought I would stay around here but I don't really have any ties to the area other than my family. I know I probably won't want to be that far away from my family forever, but it would be nice to experience the big city life for awhile. Plus D.C. is an amazing place to start my career. I think i would shock everyone I know if I packed up in May and moved to D.C. But I really think I might do it. Is that crazy? Can a small town girl make it in the big city? I've never even been on a metro and most of the jobs say that you get free metro fare to and from work. Weird!!

UPDATE

2005-10-30T14:49:00.000-06:00

Cute boy who asked me on a date already called. I figured he'd wait until at least Wednesday. I guess he needs some nursing! :)

Celebrity Marriage

2005-10-24T12:44:00.000-05:00

Okay so this hasn't happened for awhile - 2 posts in 1 day! It's amazing. Sadly enough I just finished reading celebrity gossip online on msn.com as well as EOnline. If you've read/heard any celebrity gossip, you know it's almost all about TomKat, Britney and Kevin, Jessica and Nick's breaking up/not breaking up/hiding their breakup/blah blah blah.

This is even harder to admit but I watched Britney and Kevin Chaotic last night on VH1 and it showed their surprise wedding. First of all, I couldnt' believe they didn't even tell their parents. And second of all, Brit's dad did not look too happy about the whole thing.

Anyways...this brings me to my current thought. Why do the tabloids, public, ME pay so much attention to who's dating, who's getting married, who's breaking up and who's pregnant. The only thought that ran through my head during Chaotic was I wonder how long until they'll be divorced.

Maybe I'm just a pessimist but I don't really have any faith in the establishment of marriage. Did you know that 50 percent of all marriages end in divorce. No, I did not make this statistic up. It's true. Check it out if you don't believe me. My jaw dropped last week when I heard this statistic. 50 PERCENT! That is half of all marriages that end in divorce. We all know that it's way higher for celebrities but I can't believe it's that high for normal people.

Although I pretend to be surprised, I'm not really. I have long said this. Whenever a friend gets married, we make bets on how long it will last. The people that aren't divorced don't really like each other. Geez, my parents fight all the time. I rarely see them kiss. Same goes for my sister and her husband. No marriage lasts. They're all a sham.

I wish I didn't have to be such a pessimist but thats the way I am. I can look at the statistics and know what's true or not. I myself hope that I never get divorced. I don't believe in divorce but I know people change and love is only temporary. So divorce sometimes is the only option. But I guess I don't have to worry about divorce since I probably won't even ever get married!! Haha.

Graduation Jitters

2005-10-24T10:36:00.000-05:00

I don't really know what to write about today. I don't have a whole lot to say. The weekend was good but no crazy stories thank god! Yesterday I went to the movies and saw "In Her Shoes" with Cameron Diaz. It was really great. Definitely a chick flick so leave the boys at home but I would strongly recommend seeing it.

I am trying to schedule my four hours I need for next semester. I have no idea what to take or when or how to take it. I could take online courses, night classes or regular classes and I don't know what to do. If I get the job I applied for I'll be living in another state so I definitely will have to do the online thing but I don't know yet because I just sent my resume off last week.

It's kind of scary because it's a real life job. Not a kid job. It's a grown-up job that I could do the rest of my life that pays a "salary" and not hourly. It's unbelievable. I could be in the workforce in only a few months. Scares the shit out of me.

My mom keeps talking about my graduation ceremony which also scares the crap out of me. First of all, I'm not the type that buys into gay stuff like graduation ceremonies and weddings. I think they are all a waste of money and time. That being said, my mom is convinced I will be attending my graduation ceremony, buying invitations and wearing a gown. I don't want to but whatever. I guess it's quite an accomplishment and I should graduate with honors if all goes well.

Well, that's my random jibberish for the day. I am really out there today so sorry for the babbling.

High School All Over Again

2005-10-18T09:11:00.000-05:00

Isn't it hilarious how when you first start dating someone or like someone, you start to fix yourself up and actually get ready for class. I was thinking about this yesterday as I washed, blow dryed and curled my hair for class. Usually it goes in a ponytail and I wear a sweatshirts and sweatpants. Once again today I am decked out with my hair down and straightened.

It's funny that we feel the need to impress the guy and that us in our normal state isn't good enough. We wait for a month or two into the relationship before we yank out the sweats and tees. Shoot after I've been dating a guy for awhile I get dressed down for them!! When I'm going to see them, I change from my skirt or pants into sweats and a tee. It's ironic.

Finally got a halloween costume. My friend and I bought little boy costumes. They're hilarious. We wanted to be teenage mutant ninja turtles but the costumes weren't big enough. They gave us a permanent wedgie. So instead we're batman and spiderman. Watch out for us!! :)

Home Sweet Home

2005-10-09T22:06:00.000-05:00

Last night while watching a friend in Beauty & the Beast play, there was a song that really struck a note with me. It was called Home is Where the Heart Is. It's took me awhile but I finally realize how true that is.

Home really is where the heart is. All growing up and until just today I've always said I would never go back home to where I grew up and no I probably won't ever live in the small town I was born and raised but as I grow older (ok so I'm only 21) I am starting to realive that going home might not be so bad (and by home i mean at least a half hour away!)

A lot of people have came and gone in my life. I've had best friends who now I could see on the street and not even acknowledge. I've had boyfriends who I don't even really know anymore. I've had acquaintances galore. Friends, boyfriends, husbands - they all come and go. The only thing that is real and permanent in our lives are our family.

So maybe Belle wasn't so wrong in Beauty & the Beast. Home is where the heart is and right now my heart is at home in my sleepy little town that I thought I would never come home to. Maybe I will expand my job serach after all...

The Apple Tree of Love

2005-10-06T08:46:00.000-05:00

I loved this and had to pass it on...

Women are like apples on trees. The best ones are at the top of the tree. Most men don't want to reach for the good ones because they are afraid of falling and getting hurt.

Instead, they just get the rotten apples from the ground that aren't as good, but easy... So the apples at the top think something is wrong with them, when in reality, they're amazing.

They just have to wait for the right man to come along, the one who's brave enough to climb all the way to the top of the tree. Share this with other women who are good apples, even those who have already been picked!

And... Men? Men are like a fine wine. They start out as grapes, and it's up to women to stomp the **** out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.

Love: A Verb or a Noun?

2005-10-04T12:09:00.000-05:00

I gave a friend some advice about her relationship the other day. I told her the common cliche that goes something like this: If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, it's yours forever. If it doesn't, it was never yours to begin with.

After I told her I go to thinking, does anyone ever come back? Think about it. It's a reference to a butterfly. Would the butterfly ever really come back to find you? I don't think so...I think love works much the same way.

Everyone throws around the world love. Oh I love you. I love this. I love it. Blah blah blah. But does anyone ever use it to mean anything? 50 percent of people get divorced. Many more break up. Yea, it hurts for awhile. But then you get over it and you're like oh I don't think I ever really loved them. But at the time it felt so real.

In the book "He's Just Not That Into You" Liz talks about how "I believe in love the verb not the noun." But is love ever truly more than a word? Is love a real thing or just something that we all cling to so that we have something to hope for? Is love kind of like the belief in God? You want to believe but there's really no evidence it exists. Love: a verb or a noun? And will the butterfly ever come back?

Senior Year

2005-09-30T12:25:00.000-05:00

My senior year of college is moving way too fast. I'm afraid if I blink it's going to pass me by and be all over. I can't even believe it. Although I don't actually graduate until May, I will be job hunting in December because I will only be taking 4 hours. So starting pretty much in January I will be entering the workforce for the rest of my life. I'm not going to lie - it's scary.

But for now I am concentrating on making this the best year ever. I have great friends, good friends and other friends who are making my year amazing. It seems like there's never a moment where someone isn't calling or coming by wanting me to do something with them. I haven't even had time to post and I always make time to post!

I think I've finally realized this year that a year from now this will all be over. Not that I'm going to be any different probably but my situation will be. I won't be going to college, partying all hours of the morning and doing the things that have become my way of life. It's all going to change. I have to make the most of it now while I still can.

It was kind of funny last night while I was at the bar. 3 or 4 couples walked in right in a row and I was like "whoa that looks boring. i'm glad i'm not them." Over the last month I have really embraced my freedom. I love being able to do what I want with who I want when I want to. I never realized how many really hot, great guys are out there but it turns out it's not as underpopulated as I thought.

Oh on a funny thought I can't believe I haven't posted on this yet!! I got proposed to on Sunday. Lol. I know what you're wondering...WHAT? I thought she was just talking about being single...and I am. This guy I know called me up and told me I was the most amazing girl he had ever met and wanted me to marry him. At first I thought he was just joking but he was dead serious. He had it all planned out. We'll get married in a year, have seven kids, blah blah blah. I was like WHAT THE F*CK??? No thanks. We're not even dating. Then he wanted to date me...and I was like no it's not going to happen.

None of my friends can believe that I am still single. They always ask who I'm seeing now and how's my love life. But the thing is that I really don't want anyone. Yea I like to hook up every now and then but I do that already so why would I need a boyfriend for it. I can't imagine having another boyfriend right now. I just don't want that. I think my wild side is going a little too crazy right now and I know I couldn't control myself. I have no desire to.

So that is the rundown of my senior year so far. It's going great and will hopefully only get better. I'm going to enjoy it for now and not worry about the future because I know it will take care of itself!

Where's the Drama, Where's the Anger??

2005-09-21T21:16:00.000-05:00

It took days of moodiness and an episode of Sex & the City to finally figure out what it is that I am craving so much. DRAMA! I feed off it. I love it. I need it. And I haven't had any for almost a month now.

I wouldn't call myself a drama queen but I would say that I crave drama. I like to fight. I like to complain. I like to be mad. I like to make up. Lately I haven't had any of that.

You see that's kind of what a boyfriend is for. Not completely but partly. You fight. You make up. You get mad. You unmad. You take out all your bottled up agression on them. Without a boyfriend, who do you take it out on?

My friends aren't going to take my shit. Not that I blame them cuz I wouldn't take theirs. As a friend you don't have to put up with crap like that. You can only listen to so much complaining. So much moodiness. So much bitching before you get fed up. After all you have other friends you can hang out with until that friend gets over their crap. But other boyfriends/girlfriends? You only have one (well for most of anyways).

So finally after days of being pissy for no clear reason I finally figured it out. I have pent up aggression (combined with plenty of sexual frustration) and no outlet to explode in! What do I have to do to release all this aggression, bitchiness, moodiness (and sexual frustration) out? And don't tell me to buy a vibrator cuz that just don't cut it!

Change of Scenery

2005-09-20T08:41:00.000-05:00

I am bored. Bored with doing the same old thing. Bored with school. Bored with everything. I need to shake things up. I need a change of scenery. I need to do something wild and crazy that I would never do. Something unpredictable to break me out of this mundane pattern I have fallen so easily into. Any ideas?

The Sun Has Come Out.

2005-09-15T12:54:00.000-05:00

I'm feeling much better today. What a difference a day makes. It's like one day you feel like you're at the bottom of the world and the next you're on the top. I settled a lot of things I have been dealing with and now feel happy again, at peace.

It's almost like I had an epiphony overnight and everything is suddenly peachy again. It might be raining outside but to me it's all sunshine! I am going to bask in the glow for awhile and then promise to post again soon. Hope everyone else is having as wonderful of a day as me! :)

Shake It Off

2005-09-14T09:52:00.000-05:00

Today is one of those days where I am in one of those crazy little funks that you just can't shake yourself out of. I layed in bed for an hour this morning before I could finally drag myself out of bed. And now that I'm out I don't really feel much better. My whole body hurts and I'm tired for no reason whatsoever.

I really need to do something crazy and out of the ordinary so that I can shake it off. Lately that song by I'm not sure who, Shake It Off, has been really been preaching to me. It really sings to what I'm feeling. I had a crazy idea to drive somewhere just for no reason at all just to get away and do something different. I'm bored with the same old thing.

But unfortunately I'm too good of a student and not about to skip class. So I did drag myself out of bed for another day, put on my clothes, did my homework, and now I am off for another day of spacing out, taking notes mindlessly and counting down the hours till I can come home.

6 hours and counting.....

True or False?

2005-09-13T08:07:00.000-05:00

My horoscope for the month:

Myschievous mercury stirs up a new love interest for you this month. At first you think that you're not interested but you have to give him more of a chance than just one dinner date. He might just be that guy you've been waiting for.

My mom read me that last night. She thought it was just hilarious. Why she was reading my horoscope I don't know because we weren't born in the same month. She was like "See I told you that you should give him a chance."

I don't know that I 100 percent believe horoscopes most of the time, especially not daily ones but my monthly ones in magazines tend to be pretty close to right on what's happening in my life. So what if this is true? Should I really believe it? I did have a dinner date and thought that I wasn't interested so that was right on. Could he be the guy I've been waiting for?

I better check some other magazines to see what they have to say about my life this month. If all the stars point to yes, then I might just have to rethink my decision!! I'm a taurus so if you have a magazine for September with my horoscope in it by all means let me know what it says! I have to get my life figured out here.

Life sucks

2005-09-09T21:27:00.000-05:00

I seriously hate my life right now. I seriously hate myself right now. The world sucks. Life sucks. Fuck it all.

The "NICE" Guy

2005-09-09T14:14:00.000-05:00

Nice guys finish last. It's not just a saying - it's a fact. I'm living proof.

I have the perfect guy who likes me, took me on a date, calls me 10 times a day and would do anything I asked. So what's the problem? It's too much. As much as I might claim I do, I don't want a guy to call me 10 times a day. I don't want him to call when I tell him to. I don't want him to be willing to drop everything if I invited him over. I want to work for it. That's the whole thrill. The chase. It's what I live for. The "nice" guy kills it.

Why can't I like this nice guy? He's smart, he's funny, he's cool. He's got money. But me? I've got no interest. Sure, I talk to him. I"m polite. I go out with him on occasion. I'm nice. But he doesn't do it for me.

So my friends say I shouldn't lead him on but I can't help myself. I might like him in a month, two months, a year. I don't know. Why can't I make him hang around until I decide? Isn't it only polite to answer his calls and pretend to be interested? Or is that wrong? I don't know if I should quit answering or keep it going on just in case he really is that nice guy I've always been waiting to come along. What's the proper etiquette here? Keep the convos and "dating" up or end it now before he gets hurt?

Tailgating

2005-09-07T20:15:00.000-05:00

It's that time of the year again. Football season. But frankly - football alone doesn't mean crap to me. It's the tailgating that has me jumping for joy. For those of you who aren't familiar with the concept of tailgating, you live such sad lifes. No just playing. But for real - tailgating is what us football fans like to call good food, good friends, and good LARGE amounts of alcohol.

Yes, that's right. Tailgating to me is drunken stupers, outrageous behavior, keg stands, beer bongs, mid-afternoon hangovers. Throw in a few burgers and hot dogs and one crazy game of football and you got yourself a party.

Today I got my football tickets. Hoorah! I actually plan on attending the games this year. Why? Because tailgating 3-6 hours before the game AND during the game then continuing to party throughout the night was just too much for this little girl. So instead I am using the game as a chance to sober up, let the beer soak in and take a break before I start chugging again.

I guess tailgating could be fun without alcohol. I'm sure many people tailgate without any Bud, Miller, or Coors but not me. I make sure I got plenty of alcohol, lots of fun friends and a safe place to party. Wouldn't want to get hit by a car or anything when I am laying on the ground passed out! No seriously - I hope I don't pass out but it's a large possibility. My alcohol tolerance isn't as high as it once was.

So now I tip my hat (even though I'm not wearing one) and raise a glass to the beginning of another great tailgating - oh and football - season. Let the games begin.

What's your favorite part of tailgating?

Who Knew??

2005-09-05T14:28:00.000-05:00

I always thought that guys were only interested in you when you have a boyfriend. That has always been my luck in the past. Whenever I've had a boyfriend, guys have flocked to me, wanted to date me and told me they liked me. So I thought for sure now that I'm single I wouldn't have any guys come on to me..however, that hasn't been the case.

Who knew that my recent breakup would have so many guys jumping out of the woodwork. First of all, I had not one but TWO dates over the weekend. I only went on one and stood the other guy up. Yes, it was mean. I shouldn't have done it but I only had time for one date.

Besides the guys who have already asked me on a date I have also had multiple guys call me and tell me they like me and ask me to do something sometime or just messaging me wanting to go out with me. How weird is that??? Guys that I never even knew had any interest in me. It's been insane. I am so shocked by all of this sudden interest I don't even know how to respond most of the time.

The problem is that I have no desire to date. Going on my first date post-breakup made that crystal clear. I'm not interested in dating or having a boyfriend. Yes, the companionship would be great but I can get that just as easily from my friends. I don't want a man right now. I don't even want to date anybody. Hookup maybe - but date - no.

I think right now it's just important for me to have fun, enjoy my last year of college and go out with my friends single. That's all I want. I've had a boyfriend for way too long. Now it's time to concentrate on me and pamper myself. All that attention was just wasted on guys. It's time for a little TLC for good old Veeba. And I have plenty of it to give!

Sorry my blogs lately have been all over the place. I just have a lot of things going through my head and a lot of insanity all bottled up! I'm hoping my life calms down soon and I can get my focus back...until then bare with me! I love you all! :)

Can You Train a Bad Kisser??

2005-08-30T18:30:00.000-05:00

Bad kissers...we've all experienced it. Sometimes it's the two of you together, sometimes maybe it's just you, other it's just clearly them. In this case it was them. My friends and I have been discussing the dilemma of kissing a bad kisser. What do you do?

It's awkward. You kiss for the first time and it's bad. You keep trying but no luck - it's still bad. So what do you do? Get up and walk away? Stick it out as bad as it sucks and just play along? What do you do when the guy you are kissing just can't kiss - or at least can't kiss you?

One friend said that you can train a bad kisser. But can you? And if you can wouldn't you first have to tell them they are a bad kisser? Excuse me but we need to talk. You see we have a problem. Well actually it's not that WE have a problem it's you. It's your kissing. Well, it sucks. You suck. It's horrible actually and we need to work on it. Now we all know that it would take a lot of balls to tell someone that and be completely humiliating for the person you're telling. The conversation would be filled with a lifetime of worry and embarassment with the person thinking "oh my god do they think i suck too?"

So what do you do then when the person is a bad kisser? Do you cut your losses and make a run for it? Do you stick it out trying desperately that they will come around and be a good kisser. Do you train them to kiss like you want to be kissed? If it's possible it might be kind of nice. "well, i really like it when you do this twirly thing so why don't you try that. give me 10 reps." Could be kind of fun.

Come on people my friends and I need your advice. Bad kisser: Trainable or a lost cause??

Summer Days Drifting Away...

2005-08-30T08:38:00.000-05:00

Now that school's begun and summer is becoming a distant memory it got me thinking about the things I am going to miss most about the summer. Here they are
1) Swimming
2) Boating on the lake
3) The warm weather
4) Baseball games with $1 beers
5) No school
6) No homework
7) Freedom
8) Clubbing whatever night of the week I want - Tuesday hangovers kind of suck when you have class!
9) Outside bars that aren't fun when the weather turns cold
10) My tan - as pale as it might be it can only go downhill from here!

I could probably come up with more but those are the most important ones. But don't get me wrong there are definitely things I'm looking forward to too...
1) Football Games
2) Tailgating at football games - getting drunk at 10 a.m. is awesome!!
3) Not having to work 40 hours a week
4) Wearing my jeans again
5) Not having to shave my legs every day!
6) Sleeping in!!
7) Holidays - Labor Day being the closest!!

And to top it all off I am newly single so the fun is just beginning!!

Wow as much as I'm going to miss about summer I am really looking forward to fall and getting a little crazy!! Bring it on!

You Win, You Always Do

2005-08-27T19:31:00.000-05:00

YOU WIN JOHNNY! I guess the odds were in your favor.

You Know It's Good When...

2005-08-22T18:04:00.000-05:00

I had a party Friday night. Not a good idea I realize now. Parties at other people's houses are a blast. At your own though - not so much. The actual party is great and no need to find a sober drive cuz you're already home but then there's the morning after. The horrible stinge of beer and cigarettes and a little vomit thrown in at really good parties. The broken glass, smashed cans, cigarette butts thrown everywhere. The puke in the trash can, toilet, sink, floor, yard, the list goes on. And on top of it all you have a killer hangover to deal with while tryin to clean up from this killer shindig.

Here are the top ways to know your party is kicking ass
1) There are video cameras everywhere
2) There are tits and ass everywhere and guys flocking to the t-n-a.
3) Tequila shots aren't just taken as regular shots - they become BODY shots!
4) You hear the sound of broken beer bottles everywhere.
5) The keg is tapped or the beer is running low.
6) The trash can is overflowing as is the yard, table, etc.
7) You see people puking everywhere - the bathroom, the sink, the yard, the floor.
8) People tell you you're slurring your words
9) Finally - people aren't leavin - they're hookin up!

Yes, all of these things happened at my party so I'm thinkin it must have been a pretty good time had by all including myself!! What are some other good signs the party is good?

Breaking Up

2005-08-21T16:17:00.000-05:00

Breaking up is hard to do. No, Johnny, it didn't happen - quit high-fiving yourself. With the recent drama with my boyfriend I got to thinking about past breakups I've had, breakups friends have had and thought I'd share with all of you my expertise. No, I haven't had that many - it just seems like that cuz they suck so bad. I'm not talking about relationships where you dated once, a week, a month. These are long term relationships where your love, heart, and time was seriously invested. Pretty much anything over 3 months.

First of all, breaking up can not - i repeat can NOT - be done in one clean sweep. It's not possible. It doesn't happen. Don't even try. It requires preparation, dropping little hints you are unhappy and things aren't working out. Mock break-ups where you practice breaking up but just can't quite do it. These are the worst. You're unhappy, you're happy, you're unhappy. But really you're just plain miserable trying to hang onto something that really sucks.

I did a little research on the subject and apparently breakups take the form of 5 stages.

First, you have the denial stage. No, he didn't break up with me. Let's keep telling each other how much we love each other and how right we are. Keep calling. Keep hanging out. We didn't break up. Oh no. You don't think the break-up was for real. Simply a joke and your partner will change their mind. Yea right. Don't hold your breathe.

Stage 2: Anger/resentment. How could he do this to me? What was I thinking? If I don't have him, I don't have anything. I will miss him. He will miss me. We were going to get married. How could it not have worked out? This stage is gay - enough said.

Third stage: Bargaining. I'll change. I can. I'll be more like you want me to be. I'll spend more time with you. You bargain with the big man upstairs. I will go to church if you bring him back. LIke that's gonna work. Haha.

This is the stage it finally sets in. Stage 4. Depression. It's over. It's done. Kaput. It didn't work out. You finally have accepted in and now you're sad. You cry, you m0pe. You withdraw. You'll never find anyone else. Might as well die. Sure that's a better idea.

Finally, our last stage. Acceptance. Maybe you're still sad, maybe you're not but either way you've moved on. It's finally okay. You finally see the glass half-full. You can go out. You're single. The fun is only beginning. You will find someone else.

Okay, so they seem simple enough but they're really not. Breaking up sucks. It's hard. It hurts. There is no easy way. Unless you're a jackass and don't call. That's the worst. What's the worst way you've ever been broken up with?

Life Without the Internet

2005-08-18T18:34:00.000-05:00

How did we ever survive without the internet? I've been without it at home for about a month now and let me tell you - it sucks. I was getting by by using it at work or my boyfriend's house but now that work is over it's hard to live without it.

Earlier today I wanted to get my hair cut and I wanted to search the net for a hairstyle I liked and I couldn't because oops I don't have internet. So instead I had to cross my fingers, tell the woman what I wanted, and hope for the best. It turned out fine but I think I gave myself an ulcer worrying.

My friends email me and when I finally have time to check it it's only for a few minutes and not nearly enough time to email everybody back. Then I forget who I have emailed and haven't and then don't email anyone and people get mad. It's a lose lose situation.

So finally today I got internet. I am so ecstatic. I just want to stay and play on it all day long. Luckily though I'm not that big of a loser. I checked my email, my facebook, and most importantly - MY BLOG!! I feel sorry for people who are without internet today because I just don't know how they survived. Luckily I'm not longer one of them and my blogging will become much more consistent. So keep watchin for more!! :)

The verdict's In!

2005-08-14T21:44:00.000-05:00

Okay here it is. The toast heard around the world - or at least around the reception hall. I scratched both of my original roasts and just let it come from the heart sincerely. I think the bride really appreciated it and I got tons of compliments. Feel free to recycle!

George Eliot spoke "What greater thing is there than for two human souls to feel they are joined together...to strengthen one another...and to be at one with each other in silent unspeakable memories." Mallory and Jason, I am so happy you have chosen to join your lives together. You met as friends and your friendship evolved into a love that so many people today rarely find. Love after all doesn't just make the world go round. It's what makes the ride worthwhile. It is an amazing thing when two people who were meant for each other manage to find one another and fall in love. If you will, please raise your glasses. To Friends and Family, To True Love, and To finding your other half. Congratulations.

It rained all day but the wedding went smoothly. The bride looked gorgeous and I didn't look so bad myself. I got wasted at the reception so that was fun. As must fun as I made, I think the couple will be very happy. I am going to miss my friend but I guess I"m not really losing her but just gaining another. I am happy for them both and wish them the best! I love you guys!

Here's Your TOAST in the form of a ROAST!

2005-08-09T12:30:00.000-05:00

My best friend since birth is getting married this weekend and I am the maid of honor. She called me yesterday to see if I had my toast prepared. Toast? What toast? I said. I'm not giving a toast. Yes, you are she replied. You have to. WHAT? Crap. I hate talking in front of people. My face has turned red today everytime I've though about giving a toast. There's going to be over 500 people there and she wants me to stand up in front of them and TALK. Holy crap...

So today I have been thinking about my toast. But not in the forms of a toast. More of a roast. You see I know everything there is to know about her and have great stories to go along with our friendship. Here are my personal favorite ideas so far for my ROAST of my best friend. I'll give you the backstory behind each one.

I used to wipe my friend's butt. Yep you read that right. She couldn't wipe her own butt when she was little so I wiped it for her. Hey, a little poop never hurt anybody. This one is the one I really want to do but she already told me she'd kill me if I did. Here is it: Mallory and I are the best of friends. How many people can say they have actually wiped someone's butt who wasn't a family member. I can. When Mallory was little her mom told her she couldn't go out to play until she learned to wipe her butt. She wouldn't do it so I picked up the roll of toilet paper, tore off a square, flipped her over, and started wiping. Her first day of kindergarten, I was a year ahead in first grade, she sat on the pot in the bathroom asking to be wiped. The teacher wouldn't do it so she told her to go get me. So here I come marching down the hall to the bathroom to wipe her butt. Mission accomplished. Today Mallory is all grown up and her and JD are beginning their lives together as man and wife. I am so happy for both of you and wish you a lifetime of happiness and...toilet paper. JD, tonight I am passing over my roll of toilet paper to you to take over as the official butt wiper, best friend, and husband. Good luck and best wishes. And remember sometimes it takes more than one square.

Okay so I realize that I don't have the nerve to say that one in front of that many people and I don't want mallory completely humiliated. So here was my next option: Mallory and I have been friends for a long time. I've seen her through good times, bad times, and the times in between. I never thought it would happen - most certainly not before me - that my little Mallory would one day get sweeped off her feet by a motorcycle no less. If I would have known years ago that all it took to sweep mallory off her feet was a ride around the stadium on a motorcycle I would have been pimping her out long ago. They say that opposites attract and they've never been more right. Who knew that a Harley dude and a pretty city girl would be the ultimate soul mates. But that's just what has happened by the joining of these two people. Mallory and JD have finally found their fairy-tale ending in each other's arm as they zoom off into the sunset on the motorcycle that first brought them together. Congratulations.

I love it, love it, love it. How could i weave them both into one. Lol. No for real now. I need HELP. Give me ideas for a great speech. Quotes, phrases, anything. I need your help ASAP. I have less than 3 days!! AHHHHHHH!