Feels like Home

“Come on, Ben. I think you’re great. I just, well, I just don’t know.

“You just what, Addy?”

“I haven’t really ever thought of you like that. You really took me by surprise kissing me like that yesterday, and I don’t really know how to respond.”

“You can’t tell me that you never knew how I felt about you. You had to have known. It was apparently pretty obvious to everyone else.”
“I don’t know. I guess I got the impression now and then but I didn’t really think much of it. I had a fiancé. I was getting married. I wasn’t thinking about other guys. I’m still not. I don’t want to shut the door but I’m not sure the door is open yet at this point. It’s been a rough few months, really really rough. I just need some time to get myself back together before I can explore anything with anybody.”

“Okay.” Ben said as he reached for the knob. I reached out and touched his hand.

“Stay. Please.”

“And do what? Pretend that I don’t want to touch you? Pretend that I’m not dying to kiss you? It’s not that easy.”

“How about we compromise?”
“What? How do you propose we do that?”

“We watch the movie and do a little – a little – cuddling. But no kissing. And no inappropriate touching. Or at least not much.” I said winking at him flirtatiously.

He grinned. “I think I can accept that. The not much part anyway.” He winked back. We put the movie in, moved to the couch and I settled in to his arms. It felt strangely familiar like I had been doing it for years. Sometime during the movie and before the credits I dozed off and apparently Ben did too. The next thing I know I woke up and looked at the clock on the DVD player. 3:07.

I guess my movement woke Ben because he began stirring as well. He pulled me closer to him and squeezed my hand. A minute later he opened his eyes.

“Addy? What time is it? Is the movie over? I don’t even remember falling asleep.”

“It’s 3 in the morning, Ben.”

“Shit.” He sat up and ran his hands through his hair. “I guess I better get going.” He started to get up but I motioned for him to stay seated.

“Why don’t you just stay here tonight? It’s late and you’ve been asleep. Would that be okay?”

He grinned. “If I didn’t know you, Addy, I’d think you were trying to get me in bed with you.”

I laughed coyly. “Oh, you wish. I’ll just bring you some blankets and you can sleep on the couch.”

“Ouch. I knew that was coming. I guess beggars can’t be choosers. I’ll take what I can get. Just knowing you’re in the same house is enough.” He winked and settled back onto the couch. I grabbed some blankets and a pillow from the linen closet and brought it to him. I laid them on top of him as his left eye opened to look at me. He reached out and grabbed me by the waist pulling me on top of him. I plopped over him catching my breath.

“Did I ever tell you how beautiful you look tonight? Because you do.”
“Oh, stop it. My hair – it’s a mess. I’ve been sleeping.”

“Sleeping beauty,” he said as he ran his hand over my hair and tucked a stray piece behind my ear. His hand floated down and lightly grasped my chin. My breath caught in my throat. He leaned forward and kissed me ever so gently. It was light; it was soft but with just a tough of male desire. I gasped. I leaned back and he rolled over onto his side.

“Good night, Addy.” And a few seconds later he was snoring softly. I watched over him for a few minutes before making my way up to my own room and bed still slightly unsettled and unsure of just what exactly Ben had aroused in me. One thing was for sure – he had certainly aroused something and it felt good. Really good.

Just Friends

I was relieved when a knock on the door interrupted.

“That better not be Brad again,” Ben piped up following behind me as I went to open the door. I swung it open and my heart sunk. Gina stood in front of me looking like she had just seen a ghost.

“Gina, it’s not what it looks like…”

“What is it that it’s supposed to look like? A cozy evening at home? Because that’s exactly what it looks like to me. Here I am coming over to talk to you thinking that maybe we could commiserate a little bit about being dumped and you’ve moved in on my man. I thought we were friends, Addy.”

“We are friends, Gina. Please let me explain.”
“What is there to explain?” Gina asked looking from me to Ben and back again.

“Gina, please don’t be mad at Addy. She had a bad week. I came over to cheer her up and keep her away from Brad. She did nothing wrong.”

“What about you, Ben? Did you do something wrong? Like, I don’t know, pine after Addy the entire time we were together? You were all too eager to become a free man when Addy came back on the market. A little too convenient, don’t you think?”

“You’ve got it wrong,” I butted in. “We’re friends. That’s all. Right, Ben?” I looked up at him and he looked back at me with utter disappointment behind his eyes.

“Just friends. That’s right. That’s all.” His shoulders slumped.

“That look told me all I need to know,” Gina said as she turned and stormed off. I started to go after her but then stopped. I would let her cool off and call her tomorrow and try to smooth things over. Gina and I hadn’t been friends for long but since Ben and her had been dating we had become fairly close. I didn’t have a lot of female friends so it was nice to have a girl to go shopping and just share things with. I didn’t want to lose that female companionship.

I looked over and Ben was putting on his coat.

“What’s going on? Where are you going?”
“I think I should go home,” he said not looking directly at me.

“But why? We haven’t even watched our movies yet.”

“I just think it would be for the best.”

“Is this about what I said to Gina – about us being just friends? I didn’t mean to hurt you; I just…”

“You just were telling the truth, right? We are just friends. That’s all. You don’t return any of the feelings I have for you, do you?”

Starting Fresh?

He sat there for about 10 seconds stumped before the light bulb came on.

“Shit, Addy. I wasn’t thinking. Do you want me to return them and get something else?”
“No, no. I just found it ironic that I am in my plight because my fiance’s mistress got knocked up and you got two movies about girls that get knocked up. Nice.”

He laughed this time. “Man, I am such a loser. I should just cut my losses now, huh? Wow. I’m pathetic with women. Always have been, probably always will be.”

“Not true. Gina apparently thought you were charming. She lived with you after all for, what, six months?”

“Yea I guess so. Maybe. She didn’t cry when I broke up with her though. She acted strangely relieved. Maybe that should have told me something.”

“No way. She probably just knew it wasn’t right. Girls have a sixth sense about those kind of things even if they don’t want to admit it.”

“If you had this sixth sense, why didn’t you sniff Brad out sooner?”

“Like I said sometimes we just don’t want to admit it. It’s easier to be with somebody that maybe isn’t right than to have to start fresh with somebody new.”

We sat there in awkward silence for a minute or two.

“Are you ready to start fresh, Addy?” Ben finally asked breaking the silence. I stared up at him unsure of how to respond. I didn’t want to push Ben away but I also wasn’t sure about him, about the situation, about anything really and the last thing I wanted to do was lose a friend after everything else.

“I’ll start the movie,” I said finally choosing that no answer was the best answer. I jumped up, grabbed the movie off the coffee table and started around Ben. He stood up blocking my path.

“Addy, I need an answer. Are you ready to start fresh?”

Movie Night

We stood there like that for a couple minutes before I finally stepped back and motioned for him to sit down.

“So what movies do you have there?”

“2 Fast. 2 Furious.”

“Are you kidding me?”

“What you don’t like action movies? Come on – Vin Diesel and Paul Walker star in this one. I know they are in your top 3.”

“And how do you know that?”

“I know things about you. Plus you told me.” He smiled goofily.

“You’re a quack,” I punched him lightly in the shoulder. “I hope you didn’t really get 2 Fast 2 Furious or I’m going to send you packing behind Brad.”

“Now would you really do that to me?” he asked then laughed. “Yes, you would. Okay okay. Lucky for me, I’m safe. I got funny movies. I figured you could use a good laugh. What do you think about Juno and Knocked Up?”

I began to laugh and couldn’t stop. I had tears running down my cheek when I stopped. Ben sat there unsure of what was going on or why I was so amused.
“What?” he finally asked when I stopped laughing long enough to respond.

“Do you notice any kind of recurring theme in those movies? One that might hit a little close to home?”

Coming Clean

“I’m sorry you had to be here for that,” I told him.

“I’m not. That guy’s a creep. I can’t believe you were ever going to marry him.”

I shrugged. “I guess I have bad judgment in men. I think it’s a requirement for women to like the bad boys. I know I always have.”

“Well, I guess I better rough up my image a little,” he said as he moved in to kiss me. I stepped back and threw my arm out.

“Whoa.”

“I’m sorry,” he said as he ran a hand through his hair. “That was too soon, huh? A little weird?”
“Yea, you could say that. Ben, how much of the conversation with Brad did you really catch?”

“Enough.”

“So you know…”

“About your addiction? Your abusive father? Yea. I heard that.”

“And you still want to be here? Why?”
“Addy, you’re a great girl. I’ve liked you for a long time now. We all have our demons – some more than others. I’m not going to cut and run just because I know a little more about yours. Wait until you find out about mine and then we’ll see who’s running.”

I laughed. He made me feel more relaxed than I had for a long time now. I felt like a car was being lifted off my shoulders. But it didn’t take long for the worry to settle back in.

“These aren’t just demons, Brad. This is me. This is who I am. I’m an alcoholic. I have been since I was 14. I have problems. More problems than just a few demons. Being beat repeatedly does that to a girl.”

“Well, if you’re any indication, it also makes her strong and beautiful and caring and smart and sweet and…and the list goes on and on. You’re a great girl, Addy. Don’t you forget that,” Ben reached up and caressed my chin. My first instinct was to pull away but his touch was so soft that my body gave in and my melted into his touch.

Leaving - It's What You're Good at

“How long have you been standing there?” I asked.

“Long enough. Hello, Brad.” He said.

“What the hell are you doing here?” Brad shot at Ben.

“Well judging from the movies and popcorn I would say I came to spend some time with the pretty lady.”

“Well, the pretty lady is MY pretty lady and we’re going out for dinner,” Brad retorted.

“Oh contraire. I believe ‘your’ pretty lady just said she had absolutely no interest in going to dinner with you. By the way, beautiful flowers today. Or at least they looked that way in the trash.”

I thought for a second that Brad would punch him but somehow he refrained himself.

“Addy, are you seriously going to hang out with this douche bag? Come on, babe, let’s get dinner.”

“I don’t know how many times she has to say it, man…” Ben started but I stopped him.

“Let me handle this,” I directed Ben. “Brad, could you please be so kind as to leave? I know you know how. You did it so well before.”
“That’s not fair…” Brad quipped.

“Oh, it’s more than fair. There’s the door. Don’t let it hit you on the way out.”
Brad stormed out the door but not before giving me and Ben a menacing look. I brushed it off, shut the door – and locked it – behind him and smiled warmly at Ben.

Give me 12 Steps

“You mean your ALCOHOLISM? The very alcoholism that you would still be battling if not for me. Hell, you might even be dead by now Addy if not for me. At the rate you were going, that’s exactly where you were headed. You’re lucky I made you stop.”

“Save the bullshit. You didn’t MAKE me stop. I’ll give credit where credit’s due. You’re right – you saved me from self-destructing but you didn’t do it alone. I had a VERY big hand in that. I’m the one who sat through daily AA meetings and suffered through serious withdrawals.”

“And who was right there by your side all along the way? That’s right it was me.”

“You’re right. You were right by my side. But guess who also sent me back to the bottle?”

“That’s not fair...”

“Shit. This isn’t getting us anywhere, Addy.”

“That’s right. You don’t want to take blame for anything. But that’s okay. If it’s one thing AA taught me is that I have to take responsibility for my own actions and although you had something to do with pushing me to the edge, I’m the one who jumped. But at least it was just temporary. I’m going to get right back in AA and back on the road to recovery.”

“Well, I’m glad to hear that. So how about we go grab dinner before my stomach eats itself?”

“I’m not going to dinner with you.”

“But you’re looking so hot…”

“Hello beautiful,” a voice boomed from the still open door. I looked past Brad to see a towering Ben and Brad swung around to see who else was joining us.

“Oh of course not. You want to take credit for ‘curing’ me but you don’t want to take credit for screwing me up even more. Do you really think that a girl who has battled serious self-worth issues her entire life and suffered at the hands of an alcoholic, abusive father is going to handle being left at the altar and just skip along like everything’s okay? Come on, Brad. I thought you knew me better than that.”

Dropping By

“Hey, baby, you look great. I was afraid you weren’t going to be ready but man are you ever.” A chill swept over my body as he looked me over from head to toe pausing for a second too long at the boobs. I self-consciously crossed my arms to cover them up.

“What are you doing here?”

“We’re going to dinner. Didn’t you get my flowers?” Brad had pushed his way into the house and was standing in the entryway now. “Where are they?”

“I tossed them.”

“You did what?”

“I tossed them. In the trash can at work.”

“But you’ve been harping on me for months about never buying you flowers and I finally do and you throw them away. That’s a pretty shitty thing to do.”

“And cheating on me, getting another woman pregnant and leaving me at the altar wasn’t?”

“I thought we were over that,” he said.

“You had the nerve to march back into my life and proclaim that you were over it but you being over it does NOT make me over it. You don’t get over something like that, Brad. Oh hell no.”

“Okay, so maybe you weren’t over it so much, but you sure were under it last night baby.” He winked at me and grinned slyly. My stomach turned just thinking that this was a man I came so close to marrying.

“I had no use for your disgusting bouquet of flowers and I have no use for you, regardless of what I may have done last night when I was too plastered to remember my own name. And shame on you for taking advantage of my condition.” I shoved him firmly in the chest but he stood firm. He looked angry but calm.

“Your condition?” He laughed that menacingly laugh that always managed to make me cower in front of him scared of what might happen next.

Leave me alone already

I rushed home and showered. I must have tried on 20 different outfits – one too sexy for a night in, another not sexy enough. I finally settled on my favorite pair of jeans and a low cut black tee. I had gained a little weight and it seemed like most of it had gone to my boobs. I knew they were looking good so I figured I might as well show them off.

I tried to convince myself that tonight was just going to be a casual movie night with my friend, but the butterflies in my stomach told me otherwise. I felt like I was about to go on a first date. I shook the feeling off and continued to get ready.

It was after 7 by the time I finished getting ready and still no Ben. I checked my watch again and shifted around on the couch. I was afraid that he had changed his mind. Maybe Gina and him had got back together. Or maybe he got in an accident on the way over. Or couldn’t find a movie.

But in the back of my head I was thinking that maybe he realized I wasn’t worth it. That I wasn’t good enough for him. The same way every other guy in my life, including my father, had decided that I wasn’t worth the time, wasn’t good enough for him. The knock on my door shook me out of my worrying. I hopped up and practically skipped to the door.

“I’m so glad you made it,” I said a little too eagerly as I swung the door open. The butterflies fluttered even harder when I saw who stood in front of me.

Secret Admirer

I managed to avoid him most of the day. But right before time to go I received a huge delivery of flowers. I panicked thinking that Ben had sent them and didn’t know what I would say or do. Luckily, I wouldn’t have to figure it out.
We can be happy again. I still love you. Dinner tonight? Brad.

Just then Ben came popping into my cubicle at the worst possible time. I threw down the card and tried to push some papers over it and block the flowers. He pushed past me and grabbed the card and read it.

“Please tell me you’re not going to have dinner with that jerk.”

“I don’t know.” It was true. I hadn’t decided it yet. While my head told me I should say no my heart was screaming yes. After all, this was the man I was about to marry just a few weeks ago and despite everything that happened, the idea of being with somebody sounded a lot better than being alone. Even if I did know he wasn’t Mr. Right. Plus he was comfortable. I wouldn’t be starting over.

“You’re not going, Addy. I’m putting my foot down.”

Where did he get off telling me he was putting his foot down? He didn’t even have a say in what I did. He couldn’t put his foot down. I felt like telling him as much but I could see the determination in his face.

“Okay, I won’t go,” I said quietly.

“Damn right. And you’re spending the night with me so I can keep an eye on you.”

“That’s really not necessary…” I started.

“Oh no, it’s definitely necessary. I’ll be at your house at 7 with wine and movies.

Confessions

“We’re going to be late, you know?” He said. “You better go get ready. I’ll wait for you.”

I hurriedly threw on some clothes, some makeup to cover the red, swollen eyes and ran a comb through my hair. I didn’t look the greatest but at least it was an improvement. We were out the door ten minutes later and pulled into the office parking lot only about five minutes after eight. Not too bad for the morning I had. I started to reach for the handle and get out and Ben grabbed my arm and pulled me back.

“Um,” he started. “Should we talk about what happened?”

“What did happen? I’m not sure I know.”

“I’m attracted to you, Addy. I always have been. Brad just always stood in the way.”

“And Gina. What about Gina? I don’t want to be the other woman. I can’t be. I know how much that hurts.”

“Gina moved out.”
“When?”

“About two weeks ago. It wasn’t working. It hadn’t been for awhile. She knew I had feelings for you. I guess I wasn’t that good at hiding them.”

“I never knew.”

“Well, I guess I was better than I thought then.”

“I don’t know, Ben.”

“If I was any good?”

“No. If we should talk about what happened. Let’s just leave it at it happened and play it by ear.”

“I don’t want to play it by ear. I want you to give me a chance. I want to be with you, Addy.”

“We’re late.” I opened the door and practically hurdled out of the car and into the office. I turned around once I came into the front door to see if Ben was behind me but he wasn’t. He was just getting out of the car looking defeated. I hated seeing that look on his face – one I had caused but I just couldn’t deal with this right now. I was too much of a wreck to think about what he had asked.

Tempting Fate

I don’t know how long I had been crying before I heard another knock at the door. I stood up and swung the door open.

“What?”

Ben stood in front of me looking just as handsome as he had the night before but troubled and very tired.

“Addy, what is going on? You’re not ready? Is everything okay? You look like you’ve been crying?”

This time I collapsed in his arms. I was surprised that I still had tears to cry. He held me for what felt like the longest time before he pulled back.

“What’s going on? Why are you so sad? Is this because of…”

“Brad was here.”

“What?” I could tell by the tone of his voice he was angry. “What the hell was that bastard doing here? Where is he? I’ll kick his ass.”

“He’s gone. He left.”
“What was he doing here?”

“He was here last night when you dropped me off?”

“And he just left? What the hell happened?” Now he looked really pissed.

I started from last night and told him the whole story – how I had blacked out and woke up this morning and he was in my bed all sweet and acting like we were back together. And then The Devil showed up and he kicked her out and then I had kicked him out but I knew he wasn’t going to give up that easily. I felt so depleted. Like I had lost my last friend and I knew I looked a wreck.



“I must look terrible,” I said straightening my hair trying to make myself look somewhat presentable. The swollen red eyes didn’t help anything. I looked down at my feet.

Ben grabbed my chin and pulled my face up to look at him. He smiled. “You look great. Always do.”

We both stood there for a second looking into each other’s eyes before he leaned down and kissed me once again sending chills down my spine. He stopped and ran his hands down my arms grabbing my hands and lacing his fingers through mine.

The Waterworks Begin

Brad reached for me but I pushed his hand away, jumped up and ran for the bathroom. I puked until there was nothing left to puke. I was certain I looked like a mess and felt like one too. I mustered up the strength to head into the kitchen where Brad had fixed me a couple slices of toast and set out a glass of orange juice.

“I thought this would make you feel better.”

“You know what would make me feel better?” I asked. “You getting the hell out of my house. NOW.”

He started to say something.

“I mean it. NOW.”

“But I thought...”

“You thought wrong. Get out.” By now my voice was shaking but I remained firm. I wanted him to know that I wasn’t going to change my mind on this. I thought he was going to say something but he didn’t. He gathered his stuff and headed to the door.

“I guess I’ll call you later?”

“Don’t bother.”

“I’ll call you later,” he reaffirmed and then he was gone. Once again I collapsed in a heap against the door and I cried. Really cried. I cried until there wasn’t any tears left to cry. I had screwed up. Once again. And there was no one to blame but myself.

Mark One Up For Me

Brad headed toward the door while I got out of bed and threw on a robe. I heard some commotion going on the living room and headed out to see who was at the door. I swung open the bedroom door and froze. The Devil in Fake Prada. Shit. She was yelling at Brad and didn’t seem to see me at first. But when she did all hell broke loose.

“You stupid slut.”

“Who you calling a slut? I believe you’re the one who’s been cheating with MY fiancé.” I drew out the fiancé just to add a little extra sting.

“EX-fiance,” I had to admit that stung a little. “He left you. He’s with me now. You couldn’t handle it. You man-stealing slut. You’re not going to win. He loves me. He’s coming back to me.”

I sauntered over. My hangover had subsided and I was ready to cause a little trouble. I slung my arm over Brad and let a mischievous smile spread across my face.

“I believe it was me who won last night, all night long. Now wasn’t it, Brad. And I believe it was just a few minutes ago you were telling me how much you loved me.”

“You bitch!” I saw her hand coming toward my face but couldn’t react fast enough. The next thing I know was her hand was stopped directly in my face. Brad had grabbed her wrist and stopped the blow. He spoke calmly and turned to her.

“Missy, I think you need to leave. Addy and I…” He paused. “We’re back together. Right, baby?”

I bottled up all my anger and hatefulness and smiled. “That sure is, sweetie. We just loved each other too much to stay away. One little MISTAKE couldn’t keep us apart.” He wrapped his arm around me and a chill ran through my body. I shook it off. “I think it’s time you leave my property before I call the police.” I opened the door and pointed the way out.

“This isn’t over. You haven’t won.” She said. “He’s going to come back to me. He loves me. I know he does.”
“You’re right. It isn’t over.” I shoved her out the door and slammed the door in her face. I fell back against the door and slid to the ground wrapping my hands around my stomach. I felt sick. Seriously sick.

Regrets

I woke up the next morning with a massive hangover. I should have seen this one coming as much as I had drank the night before. It had been awhile since I’d had a hangover of this magnitude and now I realized why.

I stretched my arms my eyes still mostly closed. The house was drafty and I wasn’t ready to get up yet. I rolled over to my left to cuddle up to my pillow. I reached out and struck something warm. My eyelids slowly creeped open. I gasped.

“Hello, beautiful.”

“Shit.”

“Well, good morning to you too.”

I curled up in a ball and could feel the tears making their way to the forefront. I flipped over refusing to let him see me cry. He curled up to me and wrapped his arms around me.

“I think this is just what both of us needed to put the past behind us and start fresh.”

I bit my tongue afraid of the words that might come billowing out. I didn’t know how to respond to this turn of events.

“You know I love you, right?”

My head felt like it was going to explode – partly from the hangover, partly from my frustration. My heart hung low in disappointment. I had turned to the bottle and was paying the price. Years of AA meetings had taught me how tough it could be to stay away when bad things happened and how we had to stay strong and remember our sponsor. I had convinced myself that those years of my life were behind me. I hadn’t spoken to my sponsor for over a year.

“Why don’t I make us some breakfast?” Brad asked. “Some pancakes for my little buttercup?” he asked as he patted me gently on my butt.

“Why don’t you just leave?” I responded bitterly but still continuing to avoid eye contact.

He was quiet for a second as he let the words hit him. I thought that maybe he was actually going to listen for once and hit the road. But then I knew him better than that.

“Come on, baby. I know this is hard for you. You hate admitting when you are wrong and showing any weakness, but you need me. You need me just as bad as I need you.”

Just then there was a heavy knocking on the door. It didn’t stop and continued to get louder.

“Are you going to get that?” Brad asked.

“No, I’m not expecting anyone.” I turned and looked at him. “Are you?”