I pretend to be a believer. I pretend to be a dreamer. I pretend to be a lot of things but one thing I can no longer pretend to be is an optimist. Sure the grass is greener on the other side but right now that's just not the side I'm on.
I've thought a lot lately about love and relationships. I have never been 100 percent sold on the idea of true love. In fact, I don't believe in it at all. I don't consider it being jaded or pessimistic though. I just consider it the reality.
Sure I believe in the idea of love. I have even been in love once or twice. What I don't believe in, however, is one great love or soul mates or that one person you're supposed to spend the rest of you life with.
Charlotte on Sex and the City talked about how we only get two great loves in our lives. If you miss out on both of them, you are doomed to be alone and unhappy. I think that's a bunch of bullsh*t.
Instead I believe in the idea of an endless number of loves because love is what you make of it. Love is something that you create in a relationship. It's something that builds through time. It's not something that in instantaneous or immediate.
Sure it hurts when you fall in love and then it ends. But that's life. People die. Love dies. Everything ends eventually. But you have to pick up the pieces and move on. You have to rebuild. You have to live.
Relationships are so hard. So time-consuming. They take so much out of a person. So much that eventually you just lose yourself. At some point in a relationship you stop being you and I'm tired of it. I want what I want when I want it and I refuse to sacrifice any part of myself for a man. I realize that until I stop being so selfish I won't find love. But right now that's not important to me because I'm not looking for love. I'm not even looking for a relationship. And this is seriously the first time in my life I can actually say that. Here I am. Just me and that's enough.
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