I'm a novelist

Well, it's official - I am now an accomplished novelist. Okay, so I don't know how "accomplished" I am but I did finish my NaNoWriMo novel. 50,551 words. At times it was exhilarating; at times it was exhausting; at times it way trying; at times it was triumphing - whatever it was, it's now finished.

So what is my prize you might ask? Self glorification, satisfaction and a feeling of accomplishment. I wrote a novel - a whole stinking novel. How many people can say that?

Where do I go from here? That's a question I've been asking myself. I considered self-publication through the likes of lulu.com but because I desire to be a New York Times Bestselling Author, I decided that's not for me. Instead I am going to do something crazy and totally unoriginal - I am going to query agents and publishing houses to see if they are interested in my book.

Of course I'm not quite there yet. I still have to complete vigorous editing and rewriting and more editing before my manuscript is worthy of being read by those much higher up than me.

If you have any suggestions for me on how to go about getting a book published, I could really use them so send them my way!

Thanks for standing by while I finished my novel. I know it wasn't easy.

Full Speed Ahead

I should be putting these words toward my novel but here goes anyways. Sorry for neglecting my blog but if you read my last post you should be well aware that I am in the midst of writing a novel (50,000 words in 30 days). For all you non-mathmeticians out there thats over 1500 words per day. Plus I have a full-time job that occupies most of my days. So needless, to say I am very very busy lady.

I appreciate all your support for my novel and it is going really great. I am now at 32,000 words in only 12 days which means I have 18 days to write the remaining 18,000 - I believe that's 1,000 words per day which is very manageable. Right now I am averaging about 2,000 words a day so I'm right on track.

I'm liking the direction of my novel so far. It is sort of an autobiography embellished quite a bit. The title is The Quest for the Holy Diamond and it is a story of a girl desperately trying to get her boyfriend to propose to her all the while driving him and everyone else around her crazy. Will she get the guy and the diamond she has been asking for or will she get the boot?

For all of you who are interested, below is a snippet of my novel so far. I will eventually publish it (even if I have to self-publish) and for those of you who are interested, I will tell you how to purchase it (if it ever makes it that far). For now, you can read parts on here. Hope you enjoy!

I got up later than I had planned the next morning so I hurriedly got ready. The phone rang just as I was headed out the door. I debated not answering it but since I didn’t have caller ID on my house phone it would drive me crazy wondering who was calling. I picked up on the second ring.
“Hello?”
“Good morning baby.”
It was Ryan. I was surprised to hear from he. He didn’t usually call in the mornings.
“Hey. To what do I owe this pleasure?”
“I missed you. I hated sleeping last night without you, Em.”
“I miss you too.”
“I have a surprise for you when I get back.”
“A diamond ring?”
“You know I already ordered that, baby.”
“Yeah right.”
“I did. It’s on its way from Aboo Dobi.”
“Uh huh. That’s what you said three weeks ago and it still hasn’t arrived.”
“It takes awhile to get here from Aboo Dobi. Plus they are sending it pony express.”
“Pony express? What happened to snail mail?”
“All the snails are extinct in Aboo Dobi. They use ponies.”
“Well, when did you order it?”
“A few weeks ago.”
“I would think the pony would be here by now.”
“Well, it would have been but they ran into a problem.” “A problem? What problem?”
“The pony fell and broke his leg.” “So tell them to call another pony.”
“I did but they said it was their last pony.” “Their last pony? That’s not even possible.” “I know, that’s what I said. I told them I needed that ring right away and asked if there was anything I could do to get it here faster.”
“And what’d they say?” “They said there was one thing I could do.”
“So do it. I need that ring, Ryan. I need that ring right now and I won’t take no for an answer! What did they tell you to do.”
“They had to put it on a camel to send it the rest of the way.”
“Really. A camel? Do they even have camels in Aboo Dobi? What is it a desert or something?” “They have tons of camels. In fact, they are camel farmers there.”
“Well, I hope they gave you a discount and it was one of those speedy camels because we’re on a deadline here. We’re getting married in 10 months.”
“Oh it’ll be here. The camel is trotting along just as fast as a camel can possibly move which if you ask me isn’t that much faster than a snail and a snail probably would have been cheaper than a camel. Yes, a snail would have definitely been cheaper. I’m going to go with snail mail.”
“Sure, honey. Thanks. Sorry to run but I am supposed to be meeting Tessa in 10 minutes and I’m going to be late. Thanks for calling. I love you.”
“Love you too. I’ll see you tomorrow.”
I had to admit it was a creative story. It very creatively pissed me off. Ryan and me had been dating for over two years. Much longer that Tessa had been dating Johnny – in fact it was one year and nine months longer than Tessa had been dating Johnny. Yet I felt like Ryan wasn’t any closer to popping the question that he was when we first started dating. Not that I was surprised really. Ryan didn’t get around to anything in a timely manner. At this pace, I would probably be engaged by my 50th birthday. Of course then it would be another 15 years before I got Ryan down the aisle.

To be continued...

I may be crazy but...

It's a possibility that I am certifiably insane. I am about to embark on one of the craziest adventures of my life. I am going to attempt to write a novel in a month. I have entered National Novel Writing Month. National Novel Writing Month, aka nanowrimo, is a charge to write 50,000 words during the month of November.

I've always said I want to be an author and I'm going to write a book. When I was 12, I hand wrote a 196 page book (yes I had big handwriting), but since then I have been upcapable of writing an entire novel.

I began one last summer and made it to 15,000 words but couldn't decide on an ending for the novel so the unfinished manuscript still sits on my computer hard drive waiting to see how it will end. This really disappoints all of my friends who I had let read the early manuscript and I have left hanging on who the murderer is going to be.

My downfall was letting people read it before I was finished. They could give me feedback and ideas and it really messed up the flow of my book and stunted my creativity. I’m not going to make that same mistake twice. No one – and I do mean no one will read my book or know what is going to happen until Nov. 30 at midnight when I write my 50,000th word (or more if I am feeling really creative next month).

I am going to try not to even talk about the storyline more than I have already. My book is entitled “The Quest for the Holy Diamond” and is sort of the story of my life and my desire to get engaged to my boyfriend. It’s not entirely autobiographical though. It is only based loosely on my story. The characters are not me and my boyfriend – despite how interesting we think we are, I doubt anyone else would enjoy reading about our love for watching movies.

I am excited; I am nervous; I am anxious to begin this journey. I have high hopes that my novel will be a bestseller but whether I sell 0 copies or a million copies I am going to be a success because I am going to write a novel in a month.

In the meantime, I’m going to be incredibly caffeinated and bitchy! Sorry for that.

Fist What

We've all been there, when the other person holds up their fish towards you begging for the meeting of the fists, the hippest new high five, hand shake. But here's the question, what is this meeting of the fists called?

I call it a fist knocker. One fist knocks the other one to say hey, how are you or cool idea or way to go. Whatever you're trying to say, the fist knocker conveys it.

Yet the other day I heard a guy call it a fist ease (not sure how ease would be spelled so I'll do my best). I'd never heard it referred to this way so it made me question myself or maybe him.

On a t.v. commercial, another man called it a knuckle bump. "Hey, man, knuckle bump!"

So many names, one fist to fist greeting. So what's the proper slang? Tell me what you call it? I'd hate to use not so cool language with such a cool gesture.

Fist knocker, fist ease, knucker knocker, something else entirely? Give it to me straight!

The Long Goodbye

He looks so cold and still
Silent as the night
Just by looking at him
I can tell something isn’t right

Is he going to tell me goodbye
Will he say he’ll miss me
Or will he keep on staring
Like he doesn’t even see

It’s time for him to say something
I’d be happy with just a smile
To let me know everything’s okay
If only for a little while

But there is nothing
Silence is all I hear
I stand there shaking
Down comes another tear

He isn’t going to smile
He isn’t going to talk
We’ll never even get to
Take another walk

He didn’t leave a note
He didn’t tell us why
He didn’t even take the time
To tell us all goodbye

It’s too late to take it back
The decision has been made
It won’t be much longer
Before all our memories fade

They say it’s almost time
Take just one last glance
If you want to say goodbye
This is your last chance

The casket is closing now
It’s headed in the ground
Still you do not move
Silence is the only sound

Always a Bridesmaid, Never a Bride

Another wedding, another supporting role, another time I didn’t get the starring role. I am serving as bridesmaid extraordinaire once again for another friend’s wedding, this time my sisters. This is my third experience as a bridesmaid – twice for sisters, once for my best friend; and to tell you the truth, it’s exhausting.

Couples shower, bridal shower, bachelorette party, rehearsal dinner, pre-wedding prep and finally the big moment. The only release is the reception where you can finally get lit and run around three sheets to the wind.

Of course, even the reception isn’t all fun and games because you have to prepare for the big toast. For me, the big toast is even more exhausting because I am a journalism graduate, a former newspaper reporter and a novelist hopeful, so friends and family expect more from me than the typical toast.

My first experience as a bridesmaid I didn’t have to give a toast. My second time I did and delivered successfully with great love and live quotes that no one was familiar with weaved intricately into a speech about how much my friend meant to me. Unfortunately I can’t reuse though since half of the guests at this wedding were also at the last wedding I gave the toast at (joys of living in a small town).

I decided this time, since the bride was my sister, I had to step it up a notch and deliver a truly memorable toast unlike the typical bridesmaid/maid-of-honor toast. I crafted a special poem about growing up together and my sister and her fiancé meeting specialized just for them with rhyming couplets. I think mission accomplished but I guess I’ll let the crowd be the judge of that. Will I get monstrous applause or eardrum-shattering silence? Let’s the hope not the latter.

Furthermore, I hate being stared at. It’s horrifying for me. I get insanely embarrassed, my face turns bright red and I get fidgety. So why not stand in front of 200 people for an hour? Perfect. Last time I was in a wedding, I stumbled on the bottom of my dress going up the stairs, then had to step down in order to get up on the stair. All while trying to be graceful and elegant. Ha!

The big moment is only two days away. Wish me luck and keep your fingers crossed that I make it down the aisle without a hitch and deliver a flawless and moving toast! Score two for the bridesmaid!

Oh and Thad, if you’re reading, yes another wedding! You know what that means...

Quitting: it's easier said than done

We’ve all heard the phrase that’s easier said than done, but I have found an exception to this well-known saying. That exception is quitting. It’s certainly not easier said than done. In fact, it’s very hard to say and really mean it.

I believe “I quit” has to be two of the hardest words to say in the English language. But why are those two little words so hard? To quit is defined as “to stop, cease or discontinue.”

But the more commonly accepted definition of quitting is to accept defeat; stop trying; and admit that you are a failure. Something all of us have a hard time accepting. No one wants to admit they’ve been defeated and there is something or someone better than them – that they are simply put, a failure.

I don’t see quitting as synonymous with failure though. I see it as the normal succession of life. As one stage of our life ends, another begins. When I was in eighth grade, I “quit” track to focus on softball. I “quit” a waitressing job to get experience in my future career. These were all normal progressions in life. We can’t do everything as much as we’d life to.

Regardless, when I quit track, I felt like a failure. I wasn’t fast enough. I couldn’t jump high enough. I couldn’t throw the shot put far enough. When I quit waitressing, I couldn’t handle the pressure. I wasn’t friendly enough. I wasn’t organized enough.

When I quit writing in my blog, I didn’t say anything. I just did it. In fact, I didn’t even really think about it. I would run into a few people here and there who would ask me why I hadn’t posted and I’d respond by saying I was too busy. Because isn’t that always our excuse? Too busy to hit the gym. Too busy to read that book. Too busy to call an old friend. But the truth of the matter is I’m not too busy. Too lazy, maybe; but not too busy.

So, my old blog friends, I think it’s time that I quit quitting and start blogging. Because they say Quitters never prosper and I do love a little prosperity!

Second Chances and Other Random Musings

So it's been awhile. I almost forgot about this whole blog thing that used to suck me in and almost didn't spit me out. It was this blog that consumed my whole summer just a year ago. And now..it's nothing but a distant memory. A distant memory which I am about to bring back to life.

I consider myself a writer and as a writer sometimes you just can't write. They have a name for it - writer's block - but that's not the name I refer to it as. I refer to it as life block. It's when life hasn't thrown you enough lemons to make lemonade. Life hadn't thrown me enough words to write a blog entry. But now it has.

My life has been a series of changes in 2006. I went down to part-time student status and only took 4 hours while I worked almost full-time at an internship. It was both rewarding and challenging and the best part of all is that it's over.

It's over because I am now a college graduate. I have my degree (well, figurately not literally - I'm still waiting on that to be mailed to me but the point is I've completed the requirements). I graduated with my bachelors in journalism from one of the finest journalism schools in the world. Yes, I am one smart cookie.

It was a stressful semester as I searched for a job that would both challenge and reward me. It took many resumes and cover letters but only two interviews and I landed the job of my dreams - well almost. So it's not the job of my dreams - I'm not a famous author or a screen play writer or a soap writer but hey it's paying the bills (well I might add) and I am able to live in the town I love and in the career I enjoy (public relations). Yep, my life is pretty good right now.

On top of that, I am in love. Head over heels in love. None other than to the man that I wrote amazing things about when I first began this blog. The same man who later broke my heart but eventually came back to me with more love than I could ever imagine.

I've never had a relationship that consisted of such perfectness. No fighting, no disagreements, do dissatisfaction. Just pure joy. Pure happiness. The best part of my day is always the part where I come home, lay down next to my man, and spend the night cuddling. Nothing could be more perfect.

So, as you can tell, life has thrown me lemons and I am overflowing in lemonade. Let's just hope my cup doesn't runneth over!

Email not always a good thing!

Note to self and all others:

Double-check the To address when sending emails. I just sent out a super humiliating email to a fellow colleague. After asking about job opportunities for my boyfriend, I attempted to forward the email on to my boyfriend.

With lots of xoxo and one sexual reference (light the flame of desire…at least a couple times), I sent the email off with a big love you at the end. End of email.

Oh but no, not the end of email. One hour later I see an email from the same lady who I had inquired to about jobs. It reads:

I don’t think that this email was intended for me. J Thanks.
Yes, same email with flames of desire. Pretty sure my face is still red. Very humiliating!!

Wow, time flies!

It's been over a month since my last post - the longest I've ever gone in between posts. Sorry for the extended absence. I'm working way too much, playing too hard and in a startling development - dating my ex-boyfriend again. No, I'm not stupid and things are good.

I'm looking for a job. Who knew finding a job was a full-time job in itself? Certainly not me. Too bad someone doesn't just hand me one - wouldn't that make things easy? Instead I search and search and so far to no avail.

Other news...well, not much. Looking forward to Olympic figure skating. Go Sasha! I'll try not to let so much time elapse before I post again. Good night everyone!

The Character of You

"But the most exciting, challenging and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself. And if you find someone to love the you you love, well, that's just fabulous." ~Carrie Bradshaw, Sex and the City

This quote from Sex and the City was not one I expected to find in my most recent read, Love Smart by Dr. Phil McGraw. I received the book for Christmas from my mom (no it wasn't a hint - I actually asked for it. I figured I could use a little help because I don't always make the best choices in men.)

In a book about relationships, finding the man of your dreams, and love, I didn't expect to find a quote by Carrie Bradshaw or any other character on Sex and the City. But there it was - at the beginning of Chapter 3: The Character of You, a chapter on figuring out who you are and what you want.

So what was this quote doing in my book about finding love? Turns out you can't find love until you find yourself. This should be obvious but for most of us it isn't. We think that we will push on and find true love and then develop the character of you. But it won't happen. Before you can truly find love and be happy, you must first develop who you are, what you want, and your own self.

I stopped after Chapter 3. I didn't need to read on. When Dr. Phil asked me to write down a list of who I am and try to define the character of me, I couldn't. I didn't even know where to begin. I had my name, my age, where I grew up, but what else could I really say about myself? I didn't know.

So I put down Dr. Phil's book. Before I can read any further, I need to figure myself out. I need to know who I am and what I want. Then after that is over - and it might not be for awhile - I will continue and figure out how to do that great search for the man of my dreams if he exists (Dr. Phil assures me he does.)

It's hard to see the book and not pick it up wanting to read on, wanting to learn about this game of love and how to become a better player. But then I realize: what good does it do to play this game if I don't know who I want to play it against? And until I do, I will just be settling.

So I wait and I hope...

"As we speed along this endless road to the destination called who we hope to be, I can't help but whine, 'Are we there yet?'" ~Carrie Bradshaw, Sex and the City

Nick and Jessica Split: No More Perfect Couples

Okay it’s finally official: Nick Lachey and Jessica Simpson are separating. I know people – friends and even my sister – that cried when they heard the news. After 3 years of marriage, the couple announced in a statement that they are going their seperate ways.

We all dream of being celebrities and look at them for how we should live and love and now the two most famous celebrity couples – the “perfect couples” – of Brad Pitt and Jen Aniston and Nick Lachey and Jessica Simpson are kaput.

It’s not uncommon for celebrities to marry and then divorce. Tom and Nicole. Kenny and Renee. Brad and Jen. But now Nick and Jessica too? Our MTV Newlyweds who seemed so happy. How can this be?

I’ve long been jaded about love, relationships and marriage. Anyone who reads this blog on a regular basis knows this. But the world is just giving me more and more reasons to be jaded about love. 50 percent of all marriages end in divorce. In the celebrity world, it’s probably closer to 90. The facts are in front of us, people. Why do we keep denying it?

We grew up on Disney movies and great love stories. We all want the fairy tale love. Julia Roberts said it best in Pretty Woman when she said 'I want the fairy tale."

We too as human beings have a tendency to want it all. So what happens when the great love story falls short of a fairy tale? Who's to blame? The other person of course. They let you down. They weren't the prince charming they were supposed to be. So what do you do? You kick them to the curb. You dump them. You move on to the next hopeful prince charming. Another marriage ends in divorce.

If we really want love, we need to get real and accept that there's not goign to be a fairy tale. This isn't Disney's Cinderella nor is it a Hollywood blockbuster where the actors are being paid to fall in love. This is life. And in life there's bad that comes along with the good. Pain with the happiness. Anger with the laughter.

The celebrities are just emulating what those of us who aren't in denial already know. There's gonna be pain, heartbreak, sadness. There's gonna be divorce. Quit putting these celebrities up on a pedastool as the perfect couple because they're not. They're just newlyweds, husband and wife trying to make their way through the world. Theirs is just a little more photographed.

Julia Roberts also said in fairy tale when she talked about her fairy this: "When I was a little girl my Mamma used to lock me in the attic when I was bad, which was pretty often. And I would, I would pretend I was a Princess trapped in the tower by a wicked Queen. And then suddenly this Knight, on a white horse, with these colors flying, would come charging up and draw his sword, and I would wave. And he would climb up the tower and rescue me. But never in all the time that I had this dream did the Knight say to me, "Come on baby, I'll put you up in a great condo."

But you know what. The fairy tale is great but the truth is more like the latter about the condo. There isn't going to be a knight on a white horse. But for now I'll settle for tall, dark and handsome in a great car! :)

Why Can't I Be on the Real World

Like Martin Luther King, Jr. once said "I have a dream." Mine, however, is a little more selfish. I want to be on MTV's The Real World. Tonight's finale made me realize that it is my life's calling.

What could be better than becoming famous for nothing more than beging picked to live with 7 seven strangers in a house to find out what happens when you stop being nice and start getting real. Oh yea and do a lot of drinking and very little working. It's what I do anyways. Why not be on tv while doing it?

I've thought a lot about who I would be like from previous shows and I couldn't decide. I am definitely a drunk. A crazy drunk who will do anything after a few beers. I am loud. I talk about people behind their backs. I lie. I cheat. I hook up. Oh yea and I love drama. A day without drama is like a day without air for me.

So I'm thinking about putting together a tape for the next casting call (hopefully there will be one soon). The only problem is I need ideas of what I should do in my video to make the producers pick me. Help me ya'll! I need to be on the Real World. It's my calling!

Don't Cry For Me

As we grow up, we learn that the one person that wasn't supposed to ever let you down probably will. You will have your heart broken probably more than once and it's harder every time. You'll break hearts too, so remember how it felt when yours was broken. You'll fight with your best friend. You'll blame a new love for things an old one did. You'll cry because time is passing too fast, and you'll eventually lose someone you love. So take too many pictures, laugh too much, and love like you've never been hurt because every sixty seconds you spend upset is a minute of happiness you'll never get back.

~Wow, I got that above selection in an email. It really hit home. How true it is. Every line of it spoke to me. Everyone has let me down at some point in my life as I'm sure I've let everyone else in my life down many times.

My heart's been broken several times and every time it hurts a little bit more because each heart break reminds you of the last and hurts twice as much.

I have fought with my best friend numerous times. We've been close, not close, close again and most recently - not close again. People drift apart. As hard as you try to stay together, it's inevitable that you will fight and at some point drift off.

Old loves set the tone for new loves. Everything they do wrong that mimics an old love only makes things worse. You blame them for mistakes in the past thinking they should know better.

And most recently I lost someone I love. I've lost them emotionally through breakups but that's the easy part. The hard part is losing someone you love through death and not having a chance to ever get closure or ever know what might have happened. That's hard and it hurts every day, some days more than others.

Just how many minutes have I lost crying and being unhappy when those should have been seconds, minutes, hours of happiness. Minutes that I will never get back no matter how hard I try.

Life is too short to cry over spilled milk. I've made mistakes. I've had my heart broke. I've lied, I've cheated. I've cried. But in the end there's going to be a tomorrow when I need to put the past in the past and live for today. Today starts now.

I'm Not a Girl, Not Yet a Woman

Stop spinning so fast. I can't sit still. Stop the time from ticking away. I can't run fast enough. Slow down the hours, the days, the months. I can't even remember yesterday. Stop the aging - I'm not ready to grow up.

My continuous dream of the world stopping if only for just a minute keeps getting dashed. The world isn't listening to me and it's all happening too fast. I'm not ready to grow up. I'm not ready to graduate. I'm not ready to be an adult, a wife, a mother. I'm just a kid.

When did I grow up? When did I become more than just a carefree teen? Why am I constantly talking about the future - a career, a home, a life of my own complete with bills to pay? I can't handle this. Who's life is this? It can't be mine.

I'm scared. I'm not ready. I'm still just a girl not yet a woman. I still remember that song defining me at high school graduation as it played during my senior video highlighting my greatest memories. I still remember it all too clearly. I was just a girl not yet a woman. No I'm a woman no longer a girl. How come I don't feel any different?

Sometimes I wish it'd all stop. That I'd forget. That maybe - if just for a moment - the world would forget me and for a second I'd be happy, content, no longer afraid. But then the phone rings, a friend pops in, something has to be done and it all ends. It's back to the endless list of tasks and things I must do today. It's no more of the lazy, carefree girl not yet a woman.

Maybe tomorrow will be different. Maybe I'll hit the snooze. Maybe I won't wake up. Maybe I won't have to go through the endless tedious daily exercise that has consumed my life. Maybe. Maybe not because before I have time to remember that I want it all to stop I'm out running again. Maybe I am a woman.

A Pessimist At Heart

I pretend to be a believer. I pretend to be a dreamer. I pretend to be a lot of things but one thing I can no longer pretend to be is an optimist. Sure the grass is greener on the other side but right now that's just not the side I'm on.

I've thought a lot lately about love and relationships. I have never been 100 percent sold on the idea of true love. In fact, I don't believe in it at all. I don't consider it being jaded or pessimistic though. I just consider it the reality.

Sure I believe in the idea of love. I have even been in love once or twice. What I don't believe in, however, is one great love or soul mates or that one person you're supposed to spend the rest of you life with.

Charlotte on Sex and the City talked about how we only get two great loves in our lives. If you miss out on both of them, you are doomed to be alone and unhappy. I think that's a bunch of bullsh*t.

Instead I believe in the idea of an endless number of loves because love is what you make of it. Love is something that you create in a relationship. It's something that builds through time. It's not something that in instantaneous or immediate.

Sure it hurts when you fall in love and then it ends. But that's life. People die. Love dies. Everything ends eventually. But you have to pick up the pieces and move on. You have to rebuild. You have to live.

Relationships are so hard. So time-consuming. They take so much out of a person. So much that eventually you just lose yourself. At some point in a relationship you stop being you and I'm tired of it. I want what I want when I want it and I refuse to sacrifice any part of myself for a man. I realize that until I stop being so selfish I won't find love. But right now that's not important to me because I'm not looking for love. I'm not even looking for a relationship. And this is seriously the first time in my life I can actually say that. Here I am. Just me and that's enough.

First Hearbreak

Last night I went out my first love - my high school boyfriend who I went out with for 3 years. We go to the same college and are still very good friends. We went out for dinner and to catch up and talk. He is engaged to be married this summer.

It's so strange how everytime we get together it's almost like nothing has changed. We can always pick up where we left off and never have any awkward silences or moments. He's always been there for me over the years whenever I was upset or sad or needed him. And he's always the person I call when I need to talk to someone.

We broke up over 2 years ago right before my sophomore year of college. We fought a lot and because it was both of our first relationship, I felt like we needed to experience other things and date other people.

It is hard to see someone you love and will probably always love with someone else and planning a wedding. It sucks. I love this guy more than anything in the world and probably always will. I know that we will never get back together and I wouldn't want to because us as a couple just didn't work. Neither of us would be happy.

But yet I continue to love him and want him to be a part of my life. I always kind of thought it was crap about how you will always love your first love but apparently it's true. I have had many other boyfriends that have come and gone and just like them so does my love for them or whatever feelings I had. This guy is the only guy that I have continued to love and want to be in my life.

Why is that? What is it about a first love that makes the heartbreak last forever? Why do those feelings continue to linger? Why can't you just get over it and move on as we do with other breakups and relationships. I really think I need to read "It's a Breakup Because It's Broken." Maybe that would give me some insight. Any advice?

Dating - It's all so complicated!

Question of the day: When is dating officially considered dating? First date, second date, third date? I've given this a lot of thought.

I do not consider going on a first date with someone "dating" them. I think it's more of an interview to see if you would even be interested in dating that person.

So is it second date then? I still don't think this is considered dating. Sure, the first date went well enough to give it a second chance. Or maybe it sucked so bad you figured it couldn't get any worse. Still, I think the second date isn't yet dating. It's more of a callback. "You intrigued me last time, so I thought I'd bring you in to ask you a few more questions, maybe move past 1st base, see if this thing has any potential."

My money's on the third date. You know each other. You've had the whole runthrough of "How old are you, what's your major, what do you like to do for fun, what's your plan for the future, etc etc." At this point you're hanging out with each other because you like each other's company. Maybe you find them exciting, maybe comforting, maybe you must plain like them. Either way, I think at this point it's considered dating.

So after the 3rd date do you start telling people you're dating someone? It's still not exclusive unless you've had "the talk" (this is a whole nother post for a different time!), but you aren't necessarily single. You are dating someone. Should you tell people that?

When is the official time that dating is considered "dating"?

Words from the Heart

Sometimes the sadness just gets to be too much
It hits me each night as I lie down like a punch
Why doesn’t anyone care about me
What is it that I can’t see
Am I a two-headed monster or the devil itself
Am I just a book on a dusty old shelf
The people they come and go
They are a lover, a friend and a foe
But it doesn’t matter who the are
Because they can’t not erase my scar
My heart is broken
Words left unspoken
Dreams shattered
Lives scattered
I try to make it all go away
But yet the sadness will stay
I can’t go on like this
In a state of unhappiness
I need it all to just slow up
Someone to fill my cup
It can’t be half empty for always
Someone please wipe my tears away
Fill my cup up to the rim
Make my life a little less dim
Help the sun to shine through
And turn the tears into just morning dew
Please just stop the beating of my heart

Please just give me a fresh new start

New Favorite Holiday

It's official: Halloween is my new favorite holiday. I used to think it was Christmas but I have completely changed my mind. I'm not even sure that Halloween really counts as a holiday but to me it does.

What other holiday do you get to party your a** off for multiple days (Thursday, Friday, Saturday and Monday for me). New Year's is great but that's only 1, 2 days max and it's so cold then. It's also the only holiday that you don't have to spend with your family because you don't really have family dinners or anything which is great.

Reason #3 that I love Halloween: The costumes. What other day of the year do you have a total excuse for dressing up like a complete hoe. Right. Because the cat ears and whiskers really constituted as a "costume." No not really. We just dressed up as slutty as possible in all black threw on some ears and drew whiskers on with eyeliner and went dancing.

The candy's also great. My mom gave me tons which I have almost devoured. I truly love Halloween and can't wait till next year. I can't believe it's already over. I really can't believe it's November already. Where has the time gone?

In other business, I am seriously considering moving to D.C. when I graduate in May. My new friend who wants to do public relations just like me is moving out there in May and she is trying to talk me into coming with her and getting a job out there. The first time she asked I just laughed it off but now after thinking about I am seriously considering it. I even just looked up some jobs in the D.C. area.

I always thought I would stay around here but I don't really have any ties to the area other than my family. I know I probably won't want to be that far away from my family forever, but it would be nice to experience the big city life for awhile. Plus D.C. is an amazing place to start my career. I think i would shock everyone I know if I packed up in May and moved to D.C. But I really think I might do it. Is that crazy? Can a small town girl make it in the big city? I've never even been on a metro and most of the jobs say that you get free metro fare to and from work. Weird!!