Wow, time flies!

It's been over a month since my last post - the longest I've ever gone in between posts. Sorry for the extended absence. I'm working way too much, playing too hard and in a startling development - dating my ex-boyfriend again. No, I'm not stupid and things are good.

I'm looking for a job. Who knew finding a job was a full-time job in itself? Certainly not me. Too bad someone doesn't just hand me one - wouldn't that make things easy? Instead I search and search and so far to no avail.

Other news...well, not much. Looking forward to Olympic figure skating. Go Sasha! I'll try not to let so much time elapse before I post again. Good night everyone!

The Character of You

"But the most exciting, challenging and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself. And if you find someone to love the you you love, well, that's just fabulous." ~Carrie Bradshaw, Sex and the City

This quote from Sex and the City was not one I expected to find in my most recent read, Love Smart by Dr. Phil McGraw. I received the book for Christmas from my mom (no it wasn't a hint - I actually asked for it. I figured I could use a little help because I don't always make the best choices in men.)

In a book about relationships, finding the man of your dreams, and love, I didn't expect to find a quote by Carrie Bradshaw or any other character on Sex and the City. But there it was - at the beginning of Chapter 3: The Character of You, a chapter on figuring out who you are and what you want.

So what was this quote doing in my book about finding love? Turns out you can't find love until you find yourself. This should be obvious but for most of us it isn't. We think that we will push on and find true love and then develop the character of you. But it won't happen. Before you can truly find love and be happy, you must first develop who you are, what you want, and your own self.

I stopped after Chapter 3. I didn't need to read on. When Dr. Phil asked me to write down a list of who I am and try to define the character of me, I couldn't. I didn't even know where to begin. I had my name, my age, where I grew up, but what else could I really say about myself? I didn't know.

So I put down Dr. Phil's book. Before I can read any further, I need to figure myself out. I need to know who I am and what I want. Then after that is over - and it might not be for awhile - I will continue and figure out how to do that great search for the man of my dreams if he exists (Dr. Phil assures me he does.)

It's hard to see the book and not pick it up wanting to read on, wanting to learn about this game of love and how to become a better player. But then I realize: what good does it do to play this game if I don't know who I want to play it against? And until I do, I will just be settling.

So I wait and I hope...

"As we speed along this endless road to the destination called who we hope to be, I can't help but whine, 'Are we there yet?'" ~Carrie Bradshaw, Sex and the City

Nick and Jessica Split: No More Perfect Couples

Okay it’s finally official: Nick Lachey and Jessica Simpson are separating. I know people – friends and even my sister – that cried when they heard the news. After 3 years of marriage, the couple announced in a statement that they are going their seperate ways.

We all dream of being celebrities and look at them for how we should live and love and now the two most famous celebrity couples – the “perfect couples” – of Brad Pitt and Jen Aniston and Nick Lachey and Jessica Simpson are kaput.

It’s not uncommon for celebrities to marry and then divorce. Tom and Nicole. Kenny and Renee. Brad and Jen. But now Nick and Jessica too? Our MTV Newlyweds who seemed so happy. How can this be?

I’ve long been jaded about love, relationships and marriage. Anyone who reads this blog on a regular basis knows this. But the world is just giving me more and more reasons to be jaded about love. 50 percent of all marriages end in divorce. In the celebrity world, it’s probably closer to 90. The facts are in front of us, people. Why do we keep denying it?

We grew up on Disney movies and great love stories. We all want the fairy tale love. Julia Roberts said it best in Pretty Woman when she said 'I want the fairy tale."

We too as human beings have a tendency to want it all. So what happens when the great love story falls short of a fairy tale? Who's to blame? The other person of course. They let you down. They weren't the prince charming they were supposed to be. So what do you do? You kick them to the curb. You dump them. You move on to the next hopeful prince charming. Another marriage ends in divorce.

If we really want love, we need to get real and accept that there's not goign to be a fairy tale. This isn't Disney's Cinderella nor is it a Hollywood blockbuster where the actors are being paid to fall in love. This is life. And in life there's bad that comes along with the good. Pain with the happiness. Anger with the laughter.

The celebrities are just emulating what those of us who aren't in denial already know. There's gonna be pain, heartbreak, sadness. There's gonna be divorce. Quit putting these celebrities up on a pedastool as the perfect couple because they're not. They're just newlyweds, husband and wife trying to make their way through the world. Theirs is just a little more photographed.

Julia Roberts also said in fairy tale when she talked about her fairy this: "When I was a little girl my Mamma used to lock me in the attic when I was bad, which was pretty often. And I would, I would pretend I was a Princess trapped in the tower by a wicked Queen. And then suddenly this Knight, on a white horse, with these colors flying, would come charging up and draw his sword, and I would wave. And he would climb up the tower and rescue me. But never in all the time that I had this dream did the Knight say to me, "Come on baby, I'll put you up in a great condo."

But you know what. The fairy tale is great but the truth is more like the latter about the condo. There isn't going to be a knight on a white horse. But for now I'll settle for tall, dark and handsome in a great car! :)

Why Can't I Be on the Real World

Like Martin Luther King, Jr. once said "I have a dream." Mine, however, is a little more selfish. I want to be on MTV's The Real World. Tonight's finale made me realize that it is my life's calling.

What could be better than becoming famous for nothing more than beging picked to live with 7 seven strangers in a house to find out what happens when you stop being nice and start getting real. Oh yea and do a lot of drinking and very little working. It's what I do anyways. Why not be on tv while doing it?

I've thought a lot about who I would be like from previous shows and I couldn't decide. I am definitely a drunk. A crazy drunk who will do anything after a few beers. I am loud. I talk about people behind their backs. I lie. I cheat. I hook up. Oh yea and I love drama. A day without drama is like a day without air for me.

So I'm thinking about putting together a tape for the next casting call (hopefully there will be one soon). The only problem is I need ideas of what I should do in my video to make the producers pick me. Help me ya'll! I need to be on the Real World. It's my calling!

Don't Cry For Me

As we grow up, we learn that the one person that wasn't supposed to ever let you down probably will. You will have your heart broken probably more than once and it's harder every time. You'll break hearts too, so remember how it felt when yours was broken. You'll fight with your best friend. You'll blame a new love for things an old one did. You'll cry because time is passing too fast, and you'll eventually lose someone you love. So take too many pictures, laugh too much, and love like you've never been hurt because every sixty seconds you spend upset is a minute of happiness you'll never get back.

~Wow, I got that above selection in an email. It really hit home. How true it is. Every line of it spoke to me. Everyone has let me down at some point in my life as I'm sure I've let everyone else in my life down many times.

My heart's been broken several times and every time it hurts a little bit more because each heart break reminds you of the last and hurts twice as much.

I have fought with my best friend numerous times. We've been close, not close, close again and most recently - not close again. People drift apart. As hard as you try to stay together, it's inevitable that you will fight and at some point drift off.

Old loves set the tone for new loves. Everything they do wrong that mimics an old love only makes things worse. You blame them for mistakes in the past thinking they should know better.

And most recently I lost someone I love. I've lost them emotionally through breakups but that's the easy part. The hard part is losing someone you love through death and not having a chance to ever get closure or ever know what might have happened. That's hard and it hurts every day, some days more than others.

Just how many minutes have I lost crying and being unhappy when those should have been seconds, minutes, hours of happiness. Minutes that I will never get back no matter how hard I try.

Life is too short to cry over spilled milk. I've made mistakes. I've had my heart broke. I've lied, I've cheated. I've cried. But in the end there's going to be a tomorrow when I need to put the past in the past and live for today. Today starts now.

I'm Not a Girl, Not Yet a Woman

Stop spinning so fast. I can't sit still. Stop the time from ticking away. I can't run fast enough. Slow down the hours, the days, the months. I can't even remember yesterday. Stop the aging - I'm not ready to grow up.

My continuous dream of the world stopping if only for just a minute keeps getting dashed. The world isn't listening to me and it's all happening too fast. I'm not ready to grow up. I'm not ready to graduate. I'm not ready to be an adult, a wife, a mother. I'm just a kid.

When did I grow up? When did I become more than just a carefree teen? Why am I constantly talking about the future - a career, a home, a life of my own complete with bills to pay? I can't handle this. Who's life is this? It can't be mine.

I'm scared. I'm not ready. I'm still just a girl not yet a woman. I still remember that song defining me at high school graduation as it played during my senior video highlighting my greatest memories. I still remember it all too clearly. I was just a girl not yet a woman. No I'm a woman no longer a girl. How come I don't feel any different?

Sometimes I wish it'd all stop. That I'd forget. That maybe - if just for a moment - the world would forget me and for a second I'd be happy, content, no longer afraid. But then the phone rings, a friend pops in, something has to be done and it all ends. It's back to the endless list of tasks and things I must do today. It's no more of the lazy, carefree girl not yet a woman.

Maybe tomorrow will be different. Maybe I'll hit the snooze. Maybe I won't wake up. Maybe I won't have to go through the endless tedious daily exercise that has consumed my life. Maybe. Maybe not because before I have time to remember that I want it all to stop I'm out running again. Maybe I am a woman.

A Pessimist At Heart

I pretend to be a believer. I pretend to be a dreamer. I pretend to be a lot of things but one thing I can no longer pretend to be is an optimist. Sure the grass is greener on the other side but right now that's just not the side I'm on.

I've thought a lot lately about love and relationships. I have never been 100 percent sold on the idea of true love. In fact, I don't believe in it at all. I don't consider it being jaded or pessimistic though. I just consider it the reality.

Sure I believe in the idea of love. I have even been in love once or twice. What I don't believe in, however, is one great love or soul mates or that one person you're supposed to spend the rest of you life with.

Charlotte on Sex and the City talked about how we only get two great loves in our lives. If you miss out on both of them, you are doomed to be alone and unhappy. I think that's a bunch of bullsh*t.

Instead I believe in the idea of an endless number of loves because love is what you make of it. Love is something that you create in a relationship. It's something that builds through time. It's not something that in instantaneous or immediate.

Sure it hurts when you fall in love and then it ends. But that's life. People die. Love dies. Everything ends eventually. But you have to pick up the pieces and move on. You have to rebuild. You have to live.

Relationships are so hard. So time-consuming. They take so much out of a person. So much that eventually you just lose yourself. At some point in a relationship you stop being you and I'm tired of it. I want what I want when I want it and I refuse to sacrifice any part of myself for a man. I realize that until I stop being so selfish I won't find love. But right now that's not important to me because I'm not looking for love. I'm not even looking for a relationship. And this is seriously the first time in my life I can actually say that. Here I am. Just me and that's enough.

First Hearbreak

Last night I went out my first love - my high school boyfriend who I went out with for 3 years. We go to the same college and are still very good friends. We went out for dinner and to catch up and talk. He is engaged to be married this summer.

It's so strange how everytime we get together it's almost like nothing has changed. We can always pick up where we left off and never have any awkward silences or moments. He's always been there for me over the years whenever I was upset or sad or needed him. And he's always the person I call when I need to talk to someone.

We broke up over 2 years ago right before my sophomore year of college. We fought a lot and because it was both of our first relationship, I felt like we needed to experience other things and date other people.

It is hard to see someone you love and will probably always love with someone else and planning a wedding. It sucks. I love this guy more than anything in the world and probably always will. I know that we will never get back together and I wouldn't want to because us as a couple just didn't work. Neither of us would be happy.

But yet I continue to love him and want him to be a part of my life. I always kind of thought it was crap about how you will always love your first love but apparently it's true. I have had many other boyfriends that have come and gone and just like them so does my love for them or whatever feelings I had. This guy is the only guy that I have continued to love and want to be in my life.

Why is that? What is it about a first love that makes the heartbreak last forever? Why do those feelings continue to linger? Why can't you just get over it and move on as we do with other breakups and relationships. I really think I need to read "It's a Breakup Because It's Broken." Maybe that would give me some insight. Any advice?

Dating - It's all so complicated!

Question of the day: When is dating officially considered dating? First date, second date, third date? I've given this a lot of thought.

I do not consider going on a first date with someone "dating" them. I think it's more of an interview to see if you would even be interested in dating that person.

So is it second date then? I still don't think this is considered dating. Sure, the first date went well enough to give it a second chance. Or maybe it sucked so bad you figured it couldn't get any worse. Still, I think the second date isn't yet dating. It's more of a callback. "You intrigued me last time, so I thought I'd bring you in to ask you a few more questions, maybe move past 1st base, see if this thing has any potential."

My money's on the third date. You know each other. You've had the whole runthrough of "How old are you, what's your major, what do you like to do for fun, what's your plan for the future, etc etc." At this point you're hanging out with each other because you like each other's company. Maybe you find them exciting, maybe comforting, maybe you must plain like them. Either way, I think at this point it's considered dating.

So after the 3rd date do you start telling people you're dating someone? It's still not exclusive unless you've had "the talk" (this is a whole nother post for a different time!), but you aren't necessarily single. You are dating someone. Should you tell people that?

When is the official time that dating is considered "dating"?

Words from the Heart

Sometimes the sadness just gets to be too much
It hits me each night as I lie down like a punch
Why doesn’t anyone care about me
What is it that I can’t see
Am I a two-headed monster or the devil itself
Am I just a book on a dusty old shelf
The people they come and go
They are a lover, a friend and a foe
But it doesn’t matter who the are
Because they can’t not erase my scar
My heart is broken
Words left unspoken
Dreams shattered
Lives scattered
I try to make it all go away
But yet the sadness will stay
I can’t go on like this
In a state of unhappiness
I need it all to just slow up
Someone to fill my cup
It can’t be half empty for always
Someone please wipe my tears away
Fill my cup up to the rim
Make my life a little less dim
Help the sun to shine through
And turn the tears into just morning dew
Please just stop the beating of my heart

Please just give me a fresh new start

New Favorite Holiday

It's official: Halloween is my new favorite holiday. I used to think it was Christmas but I have completely changed my mind. I'm not even sure that Halloween really counts as a holiday but to me it does.

What other holiday do you get to party your a** off for multiple days (Thursday, Friday, Saturday and Monday for me). New Year's is great but that's only 1, 2 days max and it's so cold then. It's also the only holiday that you don't have to spend with your family because you don't really have family dinners or anything which is great.

Reason #3 that I love Halloween: The costumes. What other day of the year do you have a total excuse for dressing up like a complete hoe. Right. Because the cat ears and whiskers really constituted as a "costume." No not really. We just dressed up as slutty as possible in all black threw on some ears and drew whiskers on with eyeliner and went dancing.

The candy's also great. My mom gave me tons which I have almost devoured. I truly love Halloween and can't wait till next year. I can't believe it's already over. I really can't believe it's November already. Where has the time gone?

In other business, I am seriously considering moving to D.C. when I graduate in May. My new friend who wants to do public relations just like me is moving out there in May and she is trying to talk me into coming with her and getting a job out there. The first time she asked I just laughed it off but now after thinking about I am seriously considering it. I even just looked up some jobs in the D.C. area.

I always thought I would stay around here but I don't really have any ties to the area other than my family. I know I probably won't want to be that far away from my family forever, but it would be nice to experience the big city life for awhile. Plus D.C. is an amazing place to start my career. I think i would shock everyone I know if I packed up in May and moved to D.C. But I really think I might do it. Is that crazy? Can a small town girl make it in the big city? I've never even been on a metro and most of the jobs say that you get free metro fare to and from work. Weird!!

UPDATE

Cute boy who asked me on a date already called. I figured he'd wait until at least Wednesday. I guess he needs some nursing! :)

Celebrity Marriage

Okay so this hasn't happened for awhile - 2 posts in 1 day! It's amazing. Sadly enough I just finished reading celebrity gossip online on msn.com as well as EOnline. If you've read/heard any celebrity gossip, you know it's almost all about TomKat, Britney and Kevin, Jessica and Nick's breaking up/not breaking up/hiding their breakup/blah blah blah.

This is even harder to admit but I watched Britney and Kevin Chaotic last night on VH1 and it showed their surprise wedding. First of all, I couldnt' believe they didn't even tell their parents. And second of all, Brit's dad did not look too happy about the whole thing.

Anyways...this brings me to my current thought. Why do the tabloids, public, ME pay so much attention to who's dating, who's getting married, who's breaking up and who's pregnant. The only thought that ran through my head during Chaotic was I wonder how long until they'll be divorced.

Maybe I'm just a pessimist but I don't really have any faith in the establishment of marriage. Did you know that 50 percent of all marriages end in divorce. No, I did not make this statistic up. It's true. Check it out if you don't believe me. My jaw dropped last week when I heard this statistic. 50 PERCENT! That is half of all marriages that end in divorce. We all know that it's way higher for celebrities but I can't believe it's that high for normal people.

Although I pretend to be surprised, I'm not really. I have long said this. Whenever a friend gets married, we make bets on how long it will last. The people that aren't divorced don't really like each other. Geez, my parents fight all the time. I rarely see them kiss. Same goes for my sister and her husband. No marriage lasts. They're all a sham.

I wish I didn't have to be such a pessimist but thats the way I am. I can look at the statistics and know what's true or not. I myself hope that I never get divorced. I don't believe in divorce but I know people change and love is only temporary. So divorce sometimes is the only option. But I guess I don't have to worry about divorce since I probably won't even ever get married!! Haha.

Graduation Jitters

I don't really know what to write about today. I don't have a whole lot to say. The weekend was good but no crazy stories thank god! Yesterday I went to the movies and saw "In Her Shoes" with Cameron Diaz. It was really great. Definitely a chick flick so leave the boys at home but I would strongly recommend seeing it.

I am trying to schedule my four hours I need for next semester. I have no idea what to take or when or how to take it. I could take online courses, night classes or regular classes and I don't know what to do. If I get the job I applied for I'll be living in another state so I definitely will have to do the online thing but I don't know yet because I just sent my resume off last week.

It's kind of scary because it's a real life job. Not a kid job. It's a grown-up job that I could do the rest of my life that pays a "salary" and not hourly. It's unbelievable. I could be in the workforce in only a few months. Scares the shit out of me.

My mom keeps talking about my graduation ceremony which also scares the crap out of me. First of all, I'm not the type that buys into gay stuff like graduation ceremonies and weddings. I think they are all a waste of money and time. That being said, my mom is convinced I will be attending my graduation ceremony, buying invitations and wearing a gown. I don't want to but whatever. I guess it's quite an accomplishment and I should graduate with honors if all goes well.

Well, that's my random jibberish for the day. I am really out there today so sorry for the babbling.

High School All Over Again

Isn't it hilarious how when you first start dating someone or like someone, you start to fix yourself up and actually get ready for class. I was thinking about this yesterday as I washed, blow dryed and curled my hair for class. Usually it goes in a ponytail and I wear a sweatshirts and sweatpants. Once again today I am decked out with my hair down and straightened.

It's funny that we feel the need to impress the guy and that us in our normal state isn't good enough. We wait for a month or two into the relationship before we yank out the sweats and tees. Shoot after I've been dating a guy for awhile I get dressed down for them!! When I'm going to see them, I change from my skirt or pants into sweats and a tee. It's ironic.

Finally got a halloween costume. My friend and I bought little boy costumes. They're hilarious. We wanted to be teenage mutant ninja turtles but the costumes weren't big enough. They gave us a permanent wedgie. So instead we're batman and spiderman. Watch out for us!! :)

Home Sweet Home

Last night while watching a friend in Beauty & the Beast play, there was a song that really struck a note with me. It was called Home is Where the Heart Is. It's took me awhile but I finally realize how true that is.

Home really is where the heart is. All growing up and until just today I've always said I would never go back home to where I grew up and no I probably won't ever live in the small town I was born and raised but as I grow older (ok so I'm only 21) I am starting to realive that going home might not be so bad (and by home i mean at least a half hour away!)

A lot of people have came and gone in my life. I've had best friends who now I could see on the street and not even acknowledge. I've had boyfriends who I don't even really know anymore. I've had acquaintances galore. Friends, boyfriends, husbands - they all come and go. The only thing that is real and permanent in our lives are our family.

So maybe Belle wasn't so wrong in Beauty & the Beast. Home is where the heart is and right now my heart is at home in my sleepy little town that I thought I would never come home to. Maybe I will expand my job serach after all...

The Apple Tree of Love

I loved this and had to pass it on...

Women are like apples on trees. The best ones are at the top of the tree. Most men don't want to reach for the good ones because they are afraid of falling and getting hurt.

Instead, they just get the rotten apples from the ground that aren't as good, but easy... So the apples at the top think something is wrong with them, when in reality, they're amazing.

They just have to wait for the right man to come along, the one who's brave enough to climb all the way to the top of the tree. Share this with other women who are good apples, even those who have already been picked!

And... Men? Men are like a fine wine. They start out as grapes, and it's up to women to stomp the **** out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.

Love: A Verb or a Noun?

I gave a friend some advice about her relationship the other day. I told her the common cliche that goes something like this: If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, it's yours forever. If it doesn't, it was never yours to begin with.

After I told her I go to thinking, does anyone ever come back? Think about it. It's a reference to a butterfly. Would the butterfly ever really come back to find you? I don't think so...I think love works much the same way.

Everyone throws around the world love. Oh I love you. I love this. I love it. Blah blah blah. But does anyone ever use it to mean anything? 50 percent of people get divorced. Many more break up. Yea, it hurts for awhile. But then you get over it and you're like oh I don't think I ever really loved them. But at the time it felt so real.

In the book "He's Just Not That Into You" Liz talks about how "I believe in love the verb not the noun." But is love ever truly more than a word? Is love a real thing or just something that we all cling to so that we have something to hope for? Is love kind of like the belief in God? You want to believe but there's really no evidence it exists. Love: a verb or a noun? And will the butterfly ever come back?

Senior Year

My senior year of college is moving way too fast. I'm afraid if I blink it's going to pass me by and be all over. I can't even believe it. Although I don't actually graduate until May, I will be job hunting in December because I will only be taking 4 hours. So starting pretty much in January I will be entering the workforce for the rest of my life. I'm not going to lie - it's scary.

But for now I am concentrating on making this the best year ever. I have great friends, good friends and other friends who are making my year amazing. It seems like there's never a moment where someone isn't calling or coming by wanting me to do something with them. I haven't even had time to post and I always make time to post!

I think I've finally realized this year that a year from now this will all be over. Not that I'm going to be any different probably but my situation will be. I won't be going to college, partying all hours of the morning and doing the things that have become my way of life. It's all going to change. I have to make the most of it now while I still can.

It was kind of funny last night while I was at the bar. 3 or 4 couples walked in right in a row and I was like "whoa that looks boring. i'm glad i'm not them." Over the last month I have really embraced my freedom. I love being able to do what I want with who I want when I want to. I never realized how many really hot, great guys are out there but it turns out it's not as underpopulated as I thought.

Oh on a funny thought I can't believe I haven't posted on this yet!! I got proposed to on Sunday. Lol. I know what you're wondering...WHAT? I thought she was just talking about being single...and I am. This guy I know called me up and told me I was the most amazing girl he had ever met and wanted me to marry him. At first I thought he was just joking but he was dead serious. He had it all planned out. We'll get married in a year, have seven kids, blah blah blah. I was like WHAT THE F*CK??? No thanks. We're not even dating. Then he wanted to date me...and I was like no it's not going to happen.

None of my friends can believe that I am still single. They always ask who I'm seeing now and how's my love life. But the thing is that I really don't want anyone. Yea I like to hook up every now and then but I do that already so why would I need a boyfriend for it. I can't imagine having another boyfriend right now. I just don't want that. I think my wild side is going a little too crazy right now and I know I couldn't control myself. I have no desire to.

So that is the rundown of my senior year so far. It's going great and will hopefully only get better. I'm going to enjoy it for now and not worry about the future because I know it will take care of itself!

Where's the Drama, Where's the Anger??

It took days of moodiness and an episode of Sex & the City to finally figure out what it is that I am craving so much. DRAMA! I feed off it. I love it. I need it. And I haven't had any for almost a month now.

I wouldn't call myself a drama queen but I would say that I crave drama. I like to fight. I like to complain. I like to be mad. I like to make up. Lately I haven't had any of that.

You see that's kind of what a boyfriend is for. Not completely but partly. You fight. You make up. You get mad. You unmad. You take out all your bottled up agression on them. Without a boyfriend, who do you take it out on?

My friends aren't going to take my shit. Not that I blame them cuz I wouldn't take theirs. As a friend you don't have to put up with crap like that. You can only listen to so much complaining. So much moodiness. So much bitching before you get fed up. After all you have other friends you can hang out with until that friend gets over their crap. But other boyfriends/girlfriends? You only have one (well for most of anyways).

So finally after days of being pissy for no clear reason I finally figured it out. I have pent up aggression (combined with plenty of sexual frustration) and no outlet to explode in! What do I have to do to release all this aggression, bitchiness, moodiness (and sexual frustration) out? And don't tell me to buy a vibrator cuz that just don't cut it!