Breaking Up

Breaking up is hard to do. No, Johnny, it didn't happen - quit high-fiving yourself. With the recent drama with my boyfriend I got to thinking about past breakups I've had, breakups friends have had and thought I'd share with all of you my expertise. No, I haven't had that many - it just seems like that cuz they suck so bad. I'm not talking about relationships where you dated once, a week, a month. These are long term relationships where your love, heart, and time was seriously invested. Pretty much anything over 3 months.

First of all, breaking up can not - i repeat can NOT - be done in one clean sweep. It's not possible. It doesn't happen. Don't even try. It requires preparation, dropping little hints you are unhappy and things aren't working out. Mock break-ups where you practice breaking up but just can't quite do it. These are the worst. You're unhappy, you're happy, you're unhappy. But really you're just plain miserable trying to hang onto something that really sucks.

I did a little research on the subject and apparently breakups take the form of 5 stages.

First, you have the denial stage. No, he didn't break up with me. Let's keep telling each other how much we love each other and how right we are. Keep calling. Keep hanging out. We didn't break up. Oh no. You don't think the break-up was for real. Simply a joke and your partner will change their mind. Yea right. Don't hold your breathe.

Stage 2: Anger/resentment. How could he do this to me? What was I thinking? If I don't have him, I don't have anything. I will miss him. He will miss me. We were going to get married. How could it not have worked out? This stage is gay - enough said.

Third stage: Bargaining. I'll change. I can. I'll be more like you want me to be. I'll spend more time with you. You bargain with the big man upstairs. I will go to church if you bring him back. LIke that's gonna work. Haha.

This is the stage it finally sets in. Stage 4. Depression. It's over. It's done. Kaput. It didn't work out. You finally have accepted in and now you're sad. You cry, you m0pe. You withdraw. You'll never find anyone else. Might as well die. Sure that's a better idea.

Finally, our last stage. Acceptance. Maybe you're still sad, maybe you're not but either way you've moved on. It's finally okay. You finally see the glass half-full. You can go out. You're single. The fun is only beginning. You will find someone else.

Okay, so they seem simple enough but they're really not. Breaking up sucks. It's hard. It hurts. There is no easy way. Unless you're a jackass and don't call. That's the worst. What's the worst way you've ever been broken up with?