My best friend since birth is getting married this weekend and I am the maid of honor. She called me yesterday to see if I had my toast prepared. Toast? What toast? I said. I'm not giving a toast. Yes, you are she replied. You have to. WHAT? Crap. I hate talking in front of people. My face has turned red today everytime I've though about giving a toast. There's going to be over 500 people there and she wants me to stand up in front of them and TALK. Holy crap...
So today I have been thinking about my toast. But not in the forms of a toast. More of a roast. You see I know everything there is to know about her and have great stories to go along with our friendship. Here are my personal favorite ideas so far for my ROAST of my best friend. I'll give you the backstory behind each one.
I used to wipe my friend's butt. Yep you read that right. She couldn't wipe her own butt when she was little so I wiped it for her. Hey, a little poop never hurt anybody. This one is the one I really want to do but she already told me she'd kill me if I did. Here is it: Mallory and I are the best of friends. How many people can say they have actually wiped someone's butt who wasn't a family member. I can. When Mallory was little her mom told her she couldn't go out to play until she learned to wipe her butt. She wouldn't do it so I picked up the roll of toilet paper, tore off a square, flipped her over, and started wiping. Her first day of kindergarten, I was a year ahead in first grade, she sat on the pot in the bathroom asking to be wiped. The teacher wouldn't do it so she told her to go get me. So here I come marching down the hall to the bathroom to wipe her butt. Mission accomplished. Today Mallory is all grown up and her and JD are beginning their lives together as man and wife. I am so happy for both of you and wish you a lifetime of happiness and...toilet paper. JD, tonight I am passing over my roll of toilet paper to you to take over as the official butt wiper, best friend, and husband. Good luck and best wishes. And remember sometimes it takes more than one square.
Okay so I realize that I don't have the nerve to say that one in front of that many people and I don't want mallory completely humiliated. So here was my next option: Mallory and I have been friends for a long time. I've seen her through good times, bad times, and the times in between. I never thought it would happen - most certainly not before me - that my little Mallory would one day get sweeped off her feet by a motorcycle no less. If I would have known years ago that all it took to sweep mallory off her feet was a ride around the stadium on a motorcycle I would have been pimping her out long ago. They say that opposites attract and they've never been more right. Who knew that a Harley dude and a pretty city girl would be the ultimate soul mates. But that's just what has happened by the joining of these two people. Mallory and JD have finally found their fairy-tale ending in each other's arm as they zoom off into the sunset on the motorcycle that first brought them together. Congratulations.
I love it, love it, love it. How could i weave them both into one. Lol. No for real now. I need HELP. Give me ideas for a great speech. Quotes, phrases, anything. I need your help ASAP. I have less than 3 days!! AHHHHHHH!
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15 comments:
LOL Veebs, I was laughing a the butt wipe story! As I'm sure some would love to hear that story, beleive it or not, some don't. I DO like your second one.
When I was the maid of honor at my sisters wedding a few years back, I had no idea what to say. All I remember about that toast was the three minutes beforehand when I threw back two shots of tequila and free balling it like no other. I heard that it turned out rather well. hehe
But seriously, I remember mentioning her accomplishments at such a young age and the wonderful daughter they had both raised blah blah blah. It's hard for me to make jokes on the spot, let alone in front of a crowd but if you want to mention the butt wipe story, a sentence or two thrown in about it wouldn't hurt. I don't think I helped much but I really liked the second one.
Good luck with writing it out!!
I can't do the butt wiping story. She would kill me. I think I would be super embarassed too.
You brave soul ....You'll do great! Very funny
I really like your second story, you mentioned how they met and made it all romantic. If I think if any quotes or poems I'll let you know, good luck.
I like the first story! It was when you were children, so why would she be too embarassed? It is a great story!
Advice...
Keep personal stories - personal and try not to get into "too many stories about the bride, the friendship." Why? No one will really care much less relate - and the guests get bored. Mistake a lot of people make during wedding toasts. *shrugs* - just my opinion anyways. Keep it short, to the point and heartfelt.
The wedding I attended for my brother two weeks ago - toasts were short - no on and on and on about stories and heartfelt to the point a 4 liner speach made people cry.
That's how toasts should be done - and no lengthy discussions about stories where people "had to be there".
*shrugs*
Is there a time limit? no? ok..
Mallory and I have been friends for ever. I can say that she is the most beautiful person I have ever met. She was always there for me. I will always be there for her no matter what.
When she asked me to be her maid of honor, well I was so happy and honored. I then relised i had to give this speech. What do I say?
What can I say to a room full of people about my best friend and her husband? All i can say is that Mallory and JD have found the end to their fairy tale. No, that wouldn't be right, because this is not an end. This is only the begining.
Life. Marriage. Happiness. And of course, diaper changing.
(that takes care of the poop thing)
(taking wine glass and look at the happy couple)
Mallory, I love you. I can't say that enough. JD is the luckiest man alive and I think he is your Prince Charming. I wish you nothing but the best in your future. This is a day neither one of you will ever forget. I will not forget it either.
Today my friend, my friend since our time began on this earth, has married the man she loves. Ever since he swept you away on that Harley, you knew he was the only one. I wish you two the best. In life. In love.
(look back at crowd)
It is my honor to say this...To Mallory and JD.
(proceed to drink and accept applause. then get hammered, fall down and pass out.)
not too shabby? Kinda stupid, I know, but i was bored.
Oh I forgot to mention: Do not remind the happy couple that they most likely will be divorced in like 5 yrs.
OK, I am sorry for that.
badgod, that is a very nice speech, have you done this before? I'd say eventually diaper changing so people don't think they are already expecting.
Everybody has good suggestions, but I've done a couple of roasts for my friends when I should only be doing a toast. People generally like it when someone does something different. I personally can't stand it when people start talking and weeping because their friends have grown up and gotten lives of their own. Marraiges aren't supposed to be a sad thing; parents make it that way. Mix it up a little bit and, whatever you do, lay off the schmaltz. Roast her a little bit... she'll look back on the video later and laugh, which is the way it should be... by the way, the poop story is great...
Thanks for all the suggestions and thanks for the ready made speech badgod!! I'll let you all know how it goes!!
You should just wing it--that is where the best speeches come from. You might even say something outrageous that passes snuff. Go for it.
Blake
[did I just write "go for it"? Is it 1988? Am I a total loser?]
i LOVE the butt one!! very funny
for sure you gotta go with number 1
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