The Character of You

"But the most exciting, challenging and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself. And if you find someone to love the you you love, well, that's just fabulous." ~Carrie Bradshaw, Sex and the City

This quote from Sex and the City was not one I expected to find in my most recent read, Love Smart by Dr. Phil McGraw. I received the book for Christmas from my mom (no it wasn't a hint - I actually asked for it. I figured I could use a little help because I don't always make the best choices in men.)

In a book about relationships, finding the man of your dreams, and love, I didn't expect to find a quote by Carrie Bradshaw or any other character on Sex and the City. But there it was - at the beginning of Chapter 3: The Character of You, a chapter on figuring out who you are and what you want.

So what was this quote doing in my book about finding love? Turns out you can't find love until you find yourself. This should be obvious but for most of us it isn't. We think that we will push on and find true love and then develop the character of you. But it won't happen. Before you can truly find love and be happy, you must first develop who you are, what you want, and your own self.

I stopped after Chapter 3. I didn't need to read on. When Dr. Phil asked me to write down a list of who I am and try to define the character of me, I couldn't. I didn't even know where to begin. I had my name, my age, where I grew up, but what else could I really say about myself? I didn't know.

So I put down Dr. Phil's book. Before I can read any further, I need to figure myself out. I need to know who I am and what I want. Then after that is over - and it might not be for awhile - I will continue and figure out how to do that great search for the man of my dreams if he exists (Dr. Phil assures me he does.)

It's hard to see the book and not pick it up wanting to read on, wanting to learn about this game of love and how to become a better player. But then I realize: what good does it do to play this game if I don't know who I want to play it against? And until I do, I will just be settling.

So I wait and I hope...

"As we speed along this endless road to the destination called who we hope to be, I can't help but whine, 'Are we there yet?'" ~Carrie Bradshaw, Sex and the City

Nick and Jessica Split: No More Perfect Couples

Okay it’s finally official: Nick Lachey and Jessica Simpson are separating. I know people – friends and even my sister – that cried when they heard the news. After 3 years of marriage, the couple announced in a statement that they are going their seperate ways.

We all dream of being celebrities and look at them for how we should live and love and now the two most famous celebrity couples – the “perfect couples” – of Brad Pitt and Jen Aniston and Nick Lachey and Jessica Simpson are kaput.

It’s not uncommon for celebrities to marry and then divorce. Tom and Nicole. Kenny and Renee. Brad and Jen. But now Nick and Jessica too? Our MTV Newlyweds who seemed so happy. How can this be?

I’ve long been jaded about love, relationships and marriage. Anyone who reads this blog on a regular basis knows this. But the world is just giving me more and more reasons to be jaded about love. 50 percent of all marriages end in divorce. In the celebrity world, it’s probably closer to 90. The facts are in front of us, people. Why do we keep denying it?

We grew up on Disney movies and great love stories. We all want the fairy tale love. Julia Roberts said it best in Pretty Woman when she said 'I want the fairy tale."

We too as human beings have a tendency to want it all. So what happens when the great love story falls short of a fairy tale? Who's to blame? The other person of course. They let you down. They weren't the prince charming they were supposed to be. So what do you do? You kick them to the curb. You dump them. You move on to the next hopeful prince charming. Another marriage ends in divorce.

If we really want love, we need to get real and accept that there's not goign to be a fairy tale. This isn't Disney's Cinderella nor is it a Hollywood blockbuster where the actors are being paid to fall in love. This is life. And in life there's bad that comes along with the good. Pain with the happiness. Anger with the laughter.

The celebrities are just emulating what those of us who aren't in denial already know. There's gonna be pain, heartbreak, sadness. There's gonna be divorce. Quit putting these celebrities up on a pedastool as the perfect couple because they're not. They're just newlyweds, husband and wife trying to make their way through the world. Theirs is just a little more photographed.

Julia Roberts also said in fairy tale when she talked about her fairy this: "When I was a little girl my Mamma used to lock me in the attic when I was bad, which was pretty often. And I would, I would pretend I was a Princess trapped in the tower by a wicked Queen. And then suddenly this Knight, on a white horse, with these colors flying, would come charging up and draw his sword, and I would wave. And he would climb up the tower and rescue me. But never in all the time that I had this dream did the Knight say to me, "Come on baby, I'll put you up in a great condo."

But you know what. The fairy tale is great but the truth is more like the latter about the condo. There isn't going to be a knight on a white horse. But for now I'll settle for tall, dark and handsome in a great car! :)

Why Can't I Be on the Real World

Like Martin Luther King, Jr. once said "I have a dream." Mine, however, is a little more selfish. I want to be on MTV's The Real World. Tonight's finale made me realize that it is my life's calling.

What could be better than becoming famous for nothing more than beging picked to live with 7 seven strangers in a house to find out what happens when you stop being nice and start getting real. Oh yea and do a lot of drinking and very little working. It's what I do anyways. Why not be on tv while doing it?

I've thought a lot about who I would be like from previous shows and I couldn't decide. I am definitely a drunk. A crazy drunk who will do anything after a few beers. I am loud. I talk about people behind their backs. I lie. I cheat. I hook up. Oh yea and I love drama. A day without drama is like a day without air for me.

So I'm thinking about putting together a tape for the next casting call (hopefully there will be one soon). The only problem is I need ideas of what I should do in my video to make the producers pick me. Help me ya'll! I need to be on the Real World. It's my calling!

Don't Cry For Me

As we grow up, we learn that the one person that wasn't supposed to ever let you down probably will. You will have your heart broken probably more than once and it's harder every time. You'll break hearts too, so remember how it felt when yours was broken. You'll fight with your best friend. You'll blame a new love for things an old one did. You'll cry because time is passing too fast, and you'll eventually lose someone you love. So take too many pictures, laugh too much, and love like you've never been hurt because every sixty seconds you spend upset is a minute of happiness you'll never get back.

~Wow, I got that above selection in an email. It really hit home. How true it is. Every line of it spoke to me. Everyone has let me down at some point in my life as I'm sure I've let everyone else in my life down many times.

My heart's been broken several times and every time it hurts a little bit more because each heart break reminds you of the last and hurts twice as much.

I have fought with my best friend numerous times. We've been close, not close, close again and most recently - not close again. People drift apart. As hard as you try to stay together, it's inevitable that you will fight and at some point drift off.

Old loves set the tone for new loves. Everything they do wrong that mimics an old love only makes things worse. You blame them for mistakes in the past thinking they should know better.

And most recently I lost someone I love. I've lost them emotionally through breakups but that's the easy part. The hard part is losing someone you love through death and not having a chance to ever get closure or ever know what might have happened. That's hard and it hurts every day, some days more than others.

Just how many minutes have I lost crying and being unhappy when those should have been seconds, minutes, hours of happiness. Minutes that I will never get back no matter how hard I try.

Life is too short to cry over spilled milk. I've made mistakes. I've had my heart broke. I've lied, I've cheated. I've cried. But in the end there's going to be a tomorrow when I need to put the past in the past and live for today. Today starts now.

I'm Not a Girl, Not Yet a Woman

Stop spinning so fast. I can't sit still. Stop the time from ticking away. I can't run fast enough. Slow down the hours, the days, the months. I can't even remember yesterday. Stop the aging - I'm not ready to grow up.

My continuous dream of the world stopping if only for just a minute keeps getting dashed. The world isn't listening to me and it's all happening too fast. I'm not ready to grow up. I'm not ready to graduate. I'm not ready to be an adult, a wife, a mother. I'm just a kid.

When did I grow up? When did I become more than just a carefree teen? Why am I constantly talking about the future - a career, a home, a life of my own complete with bills to pay? I can't handle this. Who's life is this? It can't be mine.

I'm scared. I'm not ready. I'm still just a girl not yet a woman. I still remember that song defining me at high school graduation as it played during my senior video highlighting my greatest memories. I still remember it all too clearly. I was just a girl not yet a woman. No I'm a woman no longer a girl. How come I don't feel any different?

Sometimes I wish it'd all stop. That I'd forget. That maybe - if just for a moment - the world would forget me and for a second I'd be happy, content, no longer afraid. But then the phone rings, a friend pops in, something has to be done and it all ends. It's back to the endless list of tasks and things I must do today. It's no more of the lazy, carefree girl not yet a woman.

Maybe tomorrow will be different. Maybe I'll hit the snooze. Maybe I won't wake up. Maybe I won't have to go through the endless tedious daily exercise that has consumed my life. Maybe. Maybe not because before I have time to remember that I want it all to stop I'm out running again. Maybe I am a woman.

A Pessimist At Heart

I pretend to be a believer. I pretend to be a dreamer. I pretend to be a lot of things but one thing I can no longer pretend to be is an optimist. Sure the grass is greener on the other side but right now that's just not the side I'm on.

I've thought a lot lately about love and relationships. I have never been 100 percent sold on the idea of true love. In fact, I don't believe in it at all. I don't consider it being jaded or pessimistic though. I just consider it the reality.

Sure I believe in the idea of love. I have even been in love once or twice. What I don't believe in, however, is one great love or soul mates or that one person you're supposed to spend the rest of you life with.

Charlotte on Sex and the City talked about how we only get two great loves in our lives. If you miss out on both of them, you are doomed to be alone and unhappy. I think that's a bunch of bullsh*t.

Instead I believe in the idea of an endless number of loves because love is what you make of it. Love is something that you create in a relationship. It's something that builds through time. It's not something that in instantaneous or immediate.

Sure it hurts when you fall in love and then it ends. But that's life. People die. Love dies. Everything ends eventually. But you have to pick up the pieces and move on. You have to rebuild. You have to live.

Relationships are so hard. So time-consuming. They take so much out of a person. So much that eventually you just lose yourself. At some point in a relationship you stop being you and I'm tired of it. I want what I want when I want it and I refuse to sacrifice any part of myself for a man. I realize that until I stop being so selfish I won't find love. But right now that's not important to me because I'm not looking for love. I'm not even looking for a relationship. And this is seriously the first time in my life I can actually say that. Here I am. Just me and that's enough.

First Hearbreak

Last night I went out my first love - my high school boyfriend who I went out with for 3 years. We go to the same college and are still very good friends. We went out for dinner and to catch up and talk. He is engaged to be married this summer.

It's so strange how everytime we get together it's almost like nothing has changed. We can always pick up where we left off and never have any awkward silences or moments. He's always been there for me over the years whenever I was upset or sad or needed him. And he's always the person I call when I need to talk to someone.

We broke up over 2 years ago right before my sophomore year of college. We fought a lot and because it was both of our first relationship, I felt like we needed to experience other things and date other people.

It is hard to see someone you love and will probably always love with someone else and planning a wedding. It sucks. I love this guy more than anything in the world and probably always will. I know that we will never get back together and I wouldn't want to because us as a couple just didn't work. Neither of us would be happy.

But yet I continue to love him and want him to be a part of my life. I always kind of thought it was crap about how you will always love your first love but apparently it's true. I have had many other boyfriends that have come and gone and just like them so does my love for them or whatever feelings I had. This guy is the only guy that I have continued to love and want to be in my life.

Why is that? What is it about a first love that makes the heartbreak last forever? Why do those feelings continue to linger? Why can't you just get over it and move on as we do with other breakups and relationships. I really think I need to read "It's a Breakup Because It's Broken." Maybe that would give me some insight. Any advice?

Dating - It's all so complicated!

Question of the day: When is dating officially considered dating? First date, second date, third date? I've given this a lot of thought.

I do not consider going on a first date with someone "dating" them. I think it's more of an interview to see if you would even be interested in dating that person.

So is it second date then? I still don't think this is considered dating. Sure, the first date went well enough to give it a second chance. Or maybe it sucked so bad you figured it couldn't get any worse. Still, I think the second date isn't yet dating. It's more of a callback. "You intrigued me last time, so I thought I'd bring you in to ask you a few more questions, maybe move past 1st base, see if this thing has any potential."

My money's on the third date. You know each other. You've had the whole runthrough of "How old are you, what's your major, what do you like to do for fun, what's your plan for the future, etc etc." At this point you're hanging out with each other because you like each other's company. Maybe you find them exciting, maybe comforting, maybe you must plain like them. Either way, I think at this point it's considered dating.

So after the 3rd date do you start telling people you're dating someone? It's still not exclusive unless you've had "the talk" (this is a whole nother post for a different time!), but you aren't necessarily single. You are dating someone. Should you tell people that?

When is the official time that dating is considered "dating"?

Words from the Heart

Sometimes the sadness just gets to be too much
It hits me each night as I lie down like a punch
Why doesn’t anyone care about me
What is it that I can’t see
Am I a two-headed monster or the devil itself
Am I just a book on a dusty old shelf
The people they come and go
They are a lover, a friend and a foe
But it doesn’t matter who the are
Because they can’t not erase my scar
My heart is broken
Words left unspoken
Dreams shattered
Lives scattered
I try to make it all go away
But yet the sadness will stay
I can’t go on like this
In a state of unhappiness
I need it all to just slow up
Someone to fill my cup
It can’t be half empty for always
Someone please wipe my tears away
Fill my cup up to the rim
Make my life a little less dim
Help the sun to shine through
And turn the tears into just morning dew
Please just stop the beating of my heart

Please just give me a fresh new start

New Favorite Holiday

It's official: Halloween is my new favorite holiday. I used to think it was Christmas but I have completely changed my mind. I'm not even sure that Halloween really counts as a holiday but to me it does.

What other holiday do you get to party your a** off for multiple days (Thursday, Friday, Saturday and Monday for me). New Year's is great but that's only 1, 2 days max and it's so cold then. It's also the only holiday that you don't have to spend with your family because you don't really have family dinners or anything which is great.

Reason #3 that I love Halloween: The costumes. What other day of the year do you have a total excuse for dressing up like a complete hoe. Right. Because the cat ears and whiskers really constituted as a "costume." No not really. We just dressed up as slutty as possible in all black threw on some ears and drew whiskers on with eyeliner and went dancing.

The candy's also great. My mom gave me tons which I have almost devoured. I truly love Halloween and can't wait till next year. I can't believe it's already over. I really can't believe it's November already. Where has the time gone?

In other business, I am seriously considering moving to D.C. when I graduate in May. My new friend who wants to do public relations just like me is moving out there in May and she is trying to talk me into coming with her and getting a job out there. The first time she asked I just laughed it off but now after thinking about I am seriously considering it. I even just looked up some jobs in the D.C. area.

I always thought I would stay around here but I don't really have any ties to the area other than my family. I know I probably won't want to be that far away from my family forever, but it would be nice to experience the big city life for awhile. Plus D.C. is an amazing place to start my career. I think i would shock everyone I know if I packed up in May and moved to D.C. But I really think I might do it. Is that crazy? Can a small town girl make it in the big city? I've never even been on a metro and most of the jobs say that you get free metro fare to and from work. Weird!!

UPDATE

Cute boy who asked me on a date already called. I figured he'd wait until at least Wednesday. I guess he needs some nursing! :)

Celebrity Marriage

Okay so this hasn't happened for awhile - 2 posts in 1 day! It's amazing. Sadly enough I just finished reading celebrity gossip online on msn.com as well as EOnline. If you've read/heard any celebrity gossip, you know it's almost all about TomKat, Britney and Kevin, Jessica and Nick's breaking up/not breaking up/hiding their breakup/blah blah blah.

This is even harder to admit but I watched Britney and Kevin Chaotic last night on VH1 and it showed their surprise wedding. First of all, I couldnt' believe they didn't even tell their parents. And second of all, Brit's dad did not look too happy about the whole thing.

Anyways...this brings me to my current thought. Why do the tabloids, public, ME pay so much attention to who's dating, who's getting married, who's breaking up and who's pregnant. The only thought that ran through my head during Chaotic was I wonder how long until they'll be divorced.

Maybe I'm just a pessimist but I don't really have any faith in the establishment of marriage. Did you know that 50 percent of all marriages end in divorce. No, I did not make this statistic up. It's true. Check it out if you don't believe me. My jaw dropped last week when I heard this statistic. 50 PERCENT! That is half of all marriages that end in divorce. We all know that it's way higher for celebrities but I can't believe it's that high for normal people.

Although I pretend to be surprised, I'm not really. I have long said this. Whenever a friend gets married, we make bets on how long it will last. The people that aren't divorced don't really like each other. Geez, my parents fight all the time. I rarely see them kiss. Same goes for my sister and her husband. No marriage lasts. They're all a sham.

I wish I didn't have to be such a pessimist but thats the way I am. I can look at the statistics and know what's true or not. I myself hope that I never get divorced. I don't believe in divorce but I know people change and love is only temporary. So divorce sometimes is the only option. But I guess I don't have to worry about divorce since I probably won't even ever get married!! Haha.

Graduation Jitters

I don't really know what to write about today. I don't have a whole lot to say. The weekend was good but no crazy stories thank god! Yesterday I went to the movies and saw "In Her Shoes" with Cameron Diaz. It was really great. Definitely a chick flick so leave the boys at home but I would strongly recommend seeing it.

I am trying to schedule my four hours I need for next semester. I have no idea what to take or when or how to take it. I could take online courses, night classes or regular classes and I don't know what to do. If I get the job I applied for I'll be living in another state so I definitely will have to do the online thing but I don't know yet because I just sent my resume off last week.

It's kind of scary because it's a real life job. Not a kid job. It's a grown-up job that I could do the rest of my life that pays a "salary" and not hourly. It's unbelievable. I could be in the workforce in only a few months. Scares the shit out of me.

My mom keeps talking about my graduation ceremony which also scares the crap out of me. First of all, I'm not the type that buys into gay stuff like graduation ceremonies and weddings. I think they are all a waste of money and time. That being said, my mom is convinced I will be attending my graduation ceremony, buying invitations and wearing a gown. I don't want to but whatever. I guess it's quite an accomplishment and I should graduate with honors if all goes well.

Well, that's my random jibberish for the day. I am really out there today so sorry for the babbling.

High School All Over Again

Isn't it hilarious how when you first start dating someone or like someone, you start to fix yourself up and actually get ready for class. I was thinking about this yesterday as I washed, blow dryed and curled my hair for class. Usually it goes in a ponytail and I wear a sweatshirts and sweatpants. Once again today I am decked out with my hair down and straightened.

It's funny that we feel the need to impress the guy and that us in our normal state isn't good enough. We wait for a month or two into the relationship before we yank out the sweats and tees. Shoot after I've been dating a guy for awhile I get dressed down for them!! When I'm going to see them, I change from my skirt or pants into sweats and a tee. It's ironic.

Finally got a halloween costume. My friend and I bought little boy costumes. They're hilarious. We wanted to be teenage mutant ninja turtles but the costumes weren't big enough. They gave us a permanent wedgie. So instead we're batman and spiderman. Watch out for us!! :)

Home Sweet Home

Last night while watching a friend in Beauty & the Beast play, there was a song that really struck a note with me. It was called Home is Where the Heart Is. It's took me awhile but I finally realize how true that is.

Home really is where the heart is. All growing up and until just today I've always said I would never go back home to where I grew up and no I probably won't ever live in the small town I was born and raised but as I grow older (ok so I'm only 21) I am starting to realive that going home might not be so bad (and by home i mean at least a half hour away!)

A lot of people have came and gone in my life. I've had best friends who now I could see on the street and not even acknowledge. I've had boyfriends who I don't even really know anymore. I've had acquaintances galore. Friends, boyfriends, husbands - they all come and go. The only thing that is real and permanent in our lives are our family.

So maybe Belle wasn't so wrong in Beauty & the Beast. Home is where the heart is and right now my heart is at home in my sleepy little town that I thought I would never come home to. Maybe I will expand my job serach after all...

The Apple Tree of Love

I loved this and had to pass it on...

Women are like apples on trees. The best ones are at the top of the tree. Most men don't want to reach for the good ones because they are afraid of falling and getting hurt.

Instead, they just get the rotten apples from the ground that aren't as good, but easy... So the apples at the top think something is wrong with them, when in reality, they're amazing.

They just have to wait for the right man to come along, the one who's brave enough to climb all the way to the top of the tree. Share this with other women who are good apples, even those who have already been picked!

And... Men? Men are like a fine wine. They start out as grapes, and it's up to women to stomp the **** out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.

Love: A Verb or a Noun?

I gave a friend some advice about her relationship the other day. I told her the common cliche that goes something like this: If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, it's yours forever. If it doesn't, it was never yours to begin with.

After I told her I go to thinking, does anyone ever come back? Think about it. It's a reference to a butterfly. Would the butterfly ever really come back to find you? I don't think so...I think love works much the same way.

Everyone throws around the world love. Oh I love you. I love this. I love it. Blah blah blah. But does anyone ever use it to mean anything? 50 percent of people get divorced. Many more break up. Yea, it hurts for awhile. But then you get over it and you're like oh I don't think I ever really loved them. But at the time it felt so real.

In the book "He's Just Not That Into You" Liz talks about how "I believe in love the verb not the noun." But is love ever truly more than a word? Is love a real thing or just something that we all cling to so that we have something to hope for? Is love kind of like the belief in God? You want to believe but there's really no evidence it exists. Love: a verb or a noun? And will the butterfly ever come back?

Senior Year

My senior year of college is moving way too fast. I'm afraid if I blink it's going to pass me by and be all over. I can't even believe it. Although I don't actually graduate until May, I will be job hunting in December because I will only be taking 4 hours. So starting pretty much in January I will be entering the workforce for the rest of my life. I'm not going to lie - it's scary.

But for now I am concentrating on making this the best year ever. I have great friends, good friends and other friends who are making my year amazing. It seems like there's never a moment where someone isn't calling or coming by wanting me to do something with them. I haven't even had time to post and I always make time to post!

I think I've finally realized this year that a year from now this will all be over. Not that I'm going to be any different probably but my situation will be. I won't be going to college, partying all hours of the morning and doing the things that have become my way of life. It's all going to change. I have to make the most of it now while I still can.

It was kind of funny last night while I was at the bar. 3 or 4 couples walked in right in a row and I was like "whoa that looks boring. i'm glad i'm not them." Over the last month I have really embraced my freedom. I love being able to do what I want with who I want when I want to. I never realized how many really hot, great guys are out there but it turns out it's not as underpopulated as I thought.

Oh on a funny thought I can't believe I haven't posted on this yet!! I got proposed to on Sunday. Lol. I know what you're wondering...WHAT? I thought she was just talking about being single...and I am. This guy I know called me up and told me I was the most amazing girl he had ever met and wanted me to marry him. At first I thought he was just joking but he was dead serious. He had it all planned out. We'll get married in a year, have seven kids, blah blah blah. I was like WHAT THE F*CK??? No thanks. We're not even dating. Then he wanted to date me...and I was like no it's not going to happen.

None of my friends can believe that I am still single. They always ask who I'm seeing now and how's my love life. But the thing is that I really don't want anyone. Yea I like to hook up every now and then but I do that already so why would I need a boyfriend for it. I can't imagine having another boyfriend right now. I just don't want that. I think my wild side is going a little too crazy right now and I know I couldn't control myself. I have no desire to.

So that is the rundown of my senior year so far. It's going great and will hopefully only get better. I'm going to enjoy it for now and not worry about the future because I know it will take care of itself!

Where's the Drama, Where's the Anger??

It took days of moodiness and an episode of Sex & the City to finally figure out what it is that I am craving so much. DRAMA! I feed off it. I love it. I need it. And I haven't had any for almost a month now.

I wouldn't call myself a drama queen but I would say that I crave drama. I like to fight. I like to complain. I like to be mad. I like to make up. Lately I haven't had any of that.

You see that's kind of what a boyfriend is for. Not completely but partly. You fight. You make up. You get mad. You unmad. You take out all your bottled up agression on them. Without a boyfriend, who do you take it out on?

My friends aren't going to take my shit. Not that I blame them cuz I wouldn't take theirs. As a friend you don't have to put up with crap like that. You can only listen to so much complaining. So much moodiness. So much bitching before you get fed up. After all you have other friends you can hang out with until that friend gets over their crap. But other boyfriends/girlfriends? You only have one (well for most of anyways).

So finally after days of being pissy for no clear reason I finally figured it out. I have pent up aggression (combined with plenty of sexual frustration) and no outlet to explode in! What do I have to do to release all this aggression, bitchiness, moodiness (and sexual frustration) out? And don't tell me to buy a vibrator cuz that just don't cut it!

Change of Scenery

I am bored. Bored with doing the same old thing. Bored with school. Bored with everything. I need to shake things up. I need a change of scenery. I need to do something wild and crazy that I would never do. Something unpredictable to break me out of this mundane pattern I have fallen so easily into. Any ideas?

The Sun Has Come Out.

I'm feeling much better today. What a difference a day makes. It's like one day you feel like you're at the bottom of the world and the next you're on the top. I settled a lot of things I have been dealing with and now feel happy again, at peace.

It's almost like I had an epiphony overnight and everything is suddenly peachy again. It might be raining outside but to me it's all sunshine! I am going to bask in the glow for awhile and then promise to post again soon. Hope everyone else is having as wonderful of a day as me! :)

Shake It Off

Today is one of those days where I am in one of those crazy little funks that you just can't shake yourself out of. I layed in bed for an hour this morning before I could finally drag myself out of bed. And now that I'm out I don't really feel much better. My whole body hurts and I'm tired for no reason whatsoever.

I really need to do something crazy and out of the ordinary so that I can shake it off. Lately that song by I'm not sure who, Shake It Off, has been really been preaching to me. It really sings to what I'm feeling. I had a crazy idea to drive somewhere just for no reason at all just to get away and do something different. I'm bored with the same old thing.

But unfortunately I'm too good of a student and not about to skip class. So I did drag myself out of bed for another day, put on my clothes, did my homework, and now I am off for another day of spacing out, taking notes mindlessly and counting down the hours till I can come home.

6 hours and counting.....

True or False?

My horoscope for the month:

Myschievous mercury stirs up a new love interest for you this month. At first you think that you're not interested but you have to give him more of a chance than just one dinner date. He might just be that guy you've been waiting for.

My mom read me that last night. She thought it was just hilarious. Why she was reading my horoscope I don't know because we weren't born in the same month. She was like "See I told you that you should give him a chance."

I don't know that I 100 percent believe horoscopes most of the time, especially not daily ones but my monthly ones in magazines tend to be pretty close to right on what's happening in my life. So what if this is true? Should I really believe it? I did have a dinner date and thought that I wasn't interested so that was right on. Could he be the guy I've been waiting for?

I better check some other magazines to see what they have to say about my life this month. If all the stars point to yes, then I might just have to rethink my decision!! I'm a taurus so if you have a magazine for September with my horoscope in it by all means let me know what it says! I have to get my life figured out here.

Life sucks

I seriously hate my life right now. I seriously hate myself right now. The world sucks. Life sucks. Fuck it all.

The "NICE" Guy

Nice guys finish last. It's not just a saying - it's a fact. I'm living proof.

I have the perfect guy who likes me, took me on a date, calls me 10 times a day and would do anything I asked. So what's the problem? It's too much. As much as I might claim I do, I don't want a guy to call me 10 times a day. I don't want him to call when I tell him to. I don't want him to be willing to drop everything if I invited him over. I want to work for it. That's the whole thrill. The chase. It's what I live for. The "nice" guy kills it.

Why can't I like this nice guy? He's smart, he's funny, he's cool. He's got money. But me? I've got no interest. Sure, I talk to him. I"m polite. I go out with him on occasion. I'm nice. But he doesn't do it for me.

So my friends say I shouldn't lead him on but I can't help myself. I might like him in a month, two months, a year. I don't know. Why can't I make him hang around until I decide? Isn't it only polite to answer his calls and pretend to be interested? Or is that wrong? I don't know if I should quit answering or keep it going on just in case he really is that nice guy I've always been waiting to come along. What's the proper etiquette here? Keep the convos and "dating" up or end it now before he gets hurt?

Tailgating

It's that time of the year again. Football season. But frankly - football alone doesn't mean crap to me. It's the tailgating that has me jumping for joy. For those of you who aren't familiar with the concept of tailgating, you live such sad lifes. No just playing. But for real - tailgating is what us football fans like to call good food, good friends, and good LARGE amounts of alcohol.

Yes, that's right. Tailgating to me is drunken stupers, outrageous behavior, keg stands, beer bongs, mid-afternoon hangovers. Throw in a few burgers and hot dogs and one crazy game of football and you got yourself a party.

Today I got my football tickets. Hoorah! I actually plan on attending the games this year. Why? Because tailgating 3-6 hours before the game AND during the game then continuing to party throughout the night was just too much for this little girl. So instead I am using the game as a chance to sober up, let the beer soak in and take a break before I start chugging again.

I guess tailgating could be fun without alcohol. I'm sure many people tailgate without any Bud, Miller, or Coors but not me. I make sure I got plenty of alcohol, lots of fun friends and a safe place to party. Wouldn't want to get hit by a car or anything when I am laying on the ground passed out! No seriously - I hope I don't pass out but it's a large possibility. My alcohol tolerance isn't as high as it once was.

So now I tip my hat (even though I'm not wearing one) and raise a glass to the beginning of another great tailgating - oh and football - season. Let the games begin.

What's your favorite part of tailgating?

Who Knew??

I always thought that guys were only interested in you when you have a boyfriend. That has always been my luck in the past. Whenever I've had a boyfriend, guys have flocked to me, wanted to date me and told me they liked me. So I thought for sure now that I'm single I wouldn't have any guys come on to me..however, that hasn't been the case.

Who knew that my recent breakup would have so many guys jumping out of the woodwork. First of all, I had not one but TWO dates over the weekend. I only went on one and stood the other guy up. Yes, it was mean. I shouldn't have done it but I only had time for one date.

Besides the guys who have already asked me on a date I have also had multiple guys call me and tell me they like me and ask me to do something sometime or just messaging me wanting to go out with me. How weird is that??? Guys that I never even knew had any interest in me. It's been insane. I am so shocked by all of this sudden interest I don't even know how to respond most of the time.

The problem is that I have no desire to date. Going on my first date post-breakup made that crystal clear. I'm not interested in dating or having a boyfriend. Yes, the companionship would be great but I can get that just as easily from my friends. I don't want a man right now. I don't even want to date anybody. Hookup maybe - but date - no.

I think right now it's just important for me to have fun, enjoy my last year of college and go out with my friends single. That's all I want. I've had a boyfriend for way too long. Now it's time to concentrate on me and pamper myself. All that attention was just wasted on guys. It's time for a little TLC for good old Veeba. And I have plenty of it to give!

Sorry my blogs lately have been all over the place. I just have a lot of things going through my head and a lot of insanity all bottled up! I'm hoping my life calms down soon and I can get my focus back...until then bare with me! I love you all! :)

Can You Train a Bad Kisser??

Bad kissers...we've all experienced it. Sometimes it's the two of you together, sometimes maybe it's just you, other it's just clearly them. In this case it was them. My friends and I have been discussing the dilemma of kissing a bad kisser. What do you do?

It's awkward. You kiss for the first time and it's bad. You keep trying but no luck - it's still bad. So what do you do? Get up and walk away? Stick it out as bad as it sucks and just play along? What do you do when the guy you are kissing just can't kiss - or at least can't kiss you?

One friend said that you can train a bad kisser. But can you? And if you can wouldn't you first have to tell them they are a bad kisser? Excuse me but we need to talk. You see we have a problem. Well actually it's not that WE have a problem it's you. It's your kissing. Well, it sucks. You suck. It's horrible actually and we need to work on it. Now we all know that it would take a lot of balls to tell someone that and be completely humiliating for the person you're telling. The conversation would be filled with a lifetime of worry and embarassment with the person thinking "oh my god do they think i suck too?"

So what do you do then when the person is a bad kisser? Do you cut your losses and make a run for it? Do you stick it out trying desperately that they will come around and be a good kisser. Do you train them to kiss like you want to be kissed? If it's possible it might be kind of nice. "well, i really like it when you do this twirly thing so why don't you try that. give me 10 reps." Could be kind of fun.

Come on people my friends and I need your advice. Bad kisser: Trainable or a lost cause??

Summer Days Drifting Away...

Now that school's begun and summer is becoming a distant memory it got me thinking about the things I am going to miss most about the summer. Here they are
1) Swimming
2) Boating on the lake
3) The warm weather
4) Baseball games with $1 beers
5) No school
6) No homework
7) Freedom
8) Clubbing whatever night of the week I want - Tuesday hangovers kind of suck when you have class!
9) Outside bars that aren't fun when the weather turns cold
10) My tan - as pale as it might be it can only go downhill from here!

I could probably come up with more but those are the most important ones. But don't get me wrong there are definitely things I'm looking forward to too...
1) Football Games
2) Tailgating at football games - getting drunk at 10 a.m. is awesome!!
3) Not having to work 40 hours a week
4) Wearing my jeans again
5) Not having to shave my legs every day!
6) Sleeping in!!
7) Holidays - Labor Day being the closest!!

And to top it all off I am newly single so the fun is just beginning!!

Wow as much as I'm going to miss about summer I am really looking forward to fall and getting a little crazy!! Bring it on!

You Win, You Always Do

YOU WIN JOHNNY! I guess the odds were in your favor.

You Know It's Good When...

I had a party Friday night. Not a good idea I realize now. Parties at other people's houses are a blast. At your own though - not so much. The actual party is great and no need to find a sober drive cuz you're already home but then there's the morning after. The horrible stinge of beer and cigarettes and a little vomit thrown in at really good parties. The broken glass, smashed cans, cigarette butts thrown everywhere. The puke in the trash can, toilet, sink, floor, yard, the list goes on. And on top of it all you have a killer hangover to deal with while tryin to clean up from this killer shindig.

Here are the top ways to know your party is kicking ass
1) There are video cameras everywhere
2) There are tits and ass everywhere and guys flocking to the t-n-a.
3) Tequila shots aren't just taken as regular shots - they become BODY shots!
4) You hear the sound of broken beer bottles everywhere.
5) The keg is tapped or the beer is running low.
6) The trash can is overflowing as is the yard, table, etc.
7) You see people puking everywhere - the bathroom, the sink, the yard, the floor.
8) People tell you you're slurring your words
9) Finally - people aren't leavin - they're hookin up!

Yes, all of these things happened at my party so I'm thinkin it must have been a pretty good time had by all including myself!! What are some other good signs the party is good?

Breaking Up

Breaking up is hard to do. No, Johnny, it didn't happen - quit high-fiving yourself. With the recent drama with my boyfriend I got to thinking about past breakups I've had, breakups friends have had and thought I'd share with all of you my expertise. No, I haven't had that many - it just seems like that cuz they suck so bad. I'm not talking about relationships where you dated once, a week, a month. These are long term relationships where your love, heart, and time was seriously invested. Pretty much anything over 3 months.

First of all, breaking up can not - i repeat can NOT - be done in one clean sweep. It's not possible. It doesn't happen. Don't even try. It requires preparation, dropping little hints you are unhappy and things aren't working out. Mock break-ups where you practice breaking up but just can't quite do it. These are the worst. You're unhappy, you're happy, you're unhappy. But really you're just plain miserable trying to hang onto something that really sucks.

I did a little research on the subject and apparently breakups take the form of 5 stages.

First, you have the denial stage. No, he didn't break up with me. Let's keep telling each other how much we love each other and how right we are. Keep calling. Keep hanging out. We didn't break up. Oh no. You don't think the break-up was for real. Simply a joke and your partner will change their mind. Yea right. Don't hold your breathe.

Stage 2: Anger/resentment. How could he do this to me? What was I thinking? If I don't have him, I don't have anything. I will miss him. He will miss me. We were going to get married. How could it not have worked out? This stage is gay - enough said.

Third stage: Bargaining. I'll change. I can. I'll be more like you want me to be. I'll spend more time with you. You bargain with the big man upstairs. I will go to church if you bring him back. LIke that's gonna work. Haha.

This is the stage it finally sets in. Stage 4. Depression. It's over. It's done. Kaput. It didn't work out. You finally have accepted in and now you're sad. You cry, you m0pe. You withdraw. You'll never find anyone else. Might as well die. Sure that's a better idea.

Finally, our last stage. Acceptance. Maybe you're still sad, maybe you're not but either way you've moved on. It's finally okay. You finally see the glass half-full. You can go out. You're single. The fun is only beginning. You will find someone else.

Okay, so they seem simple enough but they're really not. Breaking up sucks. It's hard. It hurts. There is no easy way. Unless you're a jackass and don't call. That's the worst. What's the worst way you've ever been broken up with?

Life Without the Internet

How did we ever survive without the internet? I've been without it at home for about a month now and let me tell you - it sucks. I was getting by by using it at work or my boyfriend's house but now that work is over it's hard to live without it.

Earlier today I wanted to get my hair cut and I wanted to search the net for a hairstyle I liked and I couldn't because oops I don't have internet. So instead I had to cross my fingers, tell the woman what I wanted, and hope for the best. It turned out fine but I think I gave myself an ulcer worrying.

My friends email me and when I finally have time to check it it's only for a few minutes and not nearly enough time to email everybody back. Then I forget who I have emailed and haven't and then don't email anyone and people get mad. It's a lose lose situation.

So finally today I got internet. I am so ecstatic. I just want to stay and play on it all day long. Luckily though I'm not that big of a loser. I checked my email, my facebook, and most importantly - MY BLOG!! I feel sorry for people who are without internet today because I just don't know how they survived. Luckily I'm not longer one of them and my blogging will become much more consistent. So keep watchin for more!! :)

The verdict's In!

Okay here it is. The toast heard around the world - or at least around the reception hall. I scratched both of my original roasts and just let it come from the heart sincerely. I think the bride really appreciated it and I got tons of compliments. Feel free to recycle!

George Eliot spoke "What greater thing is there than for two human souls to feel they are joined together...to strengthen one another...and to be at one with each other in silent unspeakable memories." Mallory and Jason, I am so happy you have chosen to join your lives together. You met as friends and your friendship evolved into a love that so many people today rarely find. Love after all doesn't just make the world go round. It's what makes the ride worthwhile. It is an amazing thing when two people who were meant for each other manage to find one another and fall in love. If you will, please raise your glasses. To Friends and Family, To True Love, and To finding your other half. Congratulations.

It rained all day but the wedding went smoothly. The bride looked gorgeous and I didn't look so bad myself. I got wasted at the reception so that was fun. As must fun as I made, I think the couple will be very happy. I am going to miss my friend but I guess I"m not really losing her but just gaining another. I am happy for them both and wish them the best! I love you guys!

Here's Your TOAST in the form of a ROAST!

My best friend since birth is getting married this weekend and I am the maid of honor. She called me yesterday to see if I had my toast prepared. Toast? What toast? I said. I'm not giving a toast. Yes, you are she replied. You have to. WHAT? Crap. I hate talking in front of people. My face has turned red today everytime I've though about giving a toast. There's going to be over 500 people there and she wants me to stand up in front of them and TALK. Holy crap...

So today I have been thinking about my toast. But not in the forms of a toast. More of a roast. You see I know everything there is to know about her and have great stories to go along with our friendship. Here are my personal favorite ideas so far for my ROAST of my best friend. I'll give you the backstory behind each one.

I used to wipe my friend's butt. Yep you read that right. She couldn't wipe her own butt when she was little so I wiped it for her. Hey, a little poop never hurt anybody. This one is the one I really want to do but she already told me she'd kill me if I did. Here is it: Mallory and I are the best of friends. How many people can say they have actually wiped someone's butt who wasn't a family member. I can. When Mallory was little her mom told her she couldn't go out to play until she learned to wipe her butt. She wouldn't do it so I picked up the roll of toilet paper, tore off a square, flipped her over, and started wiping. Her first day of kindergarten, I was a year ahead in first grade, she sat on the pot in the bathroom asking to be wiped. The teacher wouldn't do it so she told her to go get me. So here I come marching down the hall to the bathroom to wipe her butt. Mission accomplished. Today Mallory is all grown up and her and JD are beginning their lives together as man and wife. I am so happy for both of you and wish you a lifetime of happiness and...toilet paper. JD, tonight I am passing over my roll of toilet paper to you to take over as the official butt wiper, best friend, and husband. Good luck and best wishes. And remember sometimes it takes more than one square.

Okay so I realize that I don't have the nerve to say that one in front of that many people and I don't want mallory completely humiliated. So here was my next option: Mallory and I have been friends for a long time. I've seen her through good times, bad times, and the times in between. I never thought it would happen - most certainly not before me - that my little Mallory would one day get sweeped off her feet by a motorcycle no less. If I would have known years ago that all it took to sweep mallory off her feet was a ride around the stadium on a motorcycle I would have been pimping her out long ago. They say that opposites attract and they've never been more right. Who knew that a Harley dude and a pretty city girl would be the ultimate soul mates. But that's just what has happened by the joining of these two people. Mallory and JD have finally found their fairy-tale ending in each other's arm as they zoom off into the sunset on the motorcycle that first brought them together. Congratulations.

I love it, love it, love it. How could i weave them both into one. Lol. No for real now. I need HELP. Give me ideas for a great speech. Quotes, phrases, anything. I need your help ASAP. I have less than 3 days!! AHHHHHHH!

I Have to Do WHAT??

Work sucks. Okay I said it. You already knew it. It's true. Work sucks and I don't even have a "real job" yet. I have one year left of college and am dreading ever finishing because I cannot ever see myself working 40 hours a week the rest of my life. The very thought makes me cringe.

This summer I had a full-time internship working 40 hours a week 7:30 a.m.-4 p.m. Monday through Friday. I thought it would be fun. It isn't. You go to work and work all day and by the time you get home you're too tired to do anything else and go to bed and then have to wake up and go to work all over again for another miserable day. Where does the fun end?

If this is the real world, I don't want it. I watch The Real World religiously. Why can't the "real world" be more like it? They don't work hard. They party, get drunk, and then occasionally - only when they feel like it - attend work. Perfect. No, I don't feel like going to work today. Tomorrow's not looking so good either.

In some countries people only work 4 days a week leaving them with 3 day vacations. I think I could handle this. 3 day weeks with 4 day weekends would be much better but anything's better than 5/2.

I've always dreamed of marrying a rich guy who would support me so that I would never have to worry. This isn't going to happen. I know this. I'm no idiot. I'm doomed to a life of work and headaches and annoyances and probably some day laundry and cooking and cleaning and paying bills. UGH. I'm starting to think that the real world is real shitty.

So tell me those of you that are already in the "real world," what do I have to look forward to? Because right now I'm thinking not much...

There's Nothing Friendly About This Game

Nothing about a game is friendly for me. I am a competitor. I hate to lose. I’ve never taken to losing well. If I’m not winning, I’m not happy. Last night my boyfriend and I went over to a friend’s house to play a game of monopoly.

Let me give you some background about monopoly and me. I am not allowed to play at home because of a certain incident that conspired between my ex-boyfriend and me. Both of us were extra competitive. There was nothing friendly about a game of monopoly between the two of us.

One day while playing just the two of us I started to pull away and win. Earlier in the game he had been bragging about being ahead and how he was going to win so when I took the lead I couldn’t help but return the bragging. So I began taunting, “I’m winning. I’m better than you. Who’s the best??” He got annoyed and I could tell he was going to lose his temper so I laid off but when the game ended and I came out victorious I couldn’t resist one last dig. “You got second place,” I said. Now remember that there was only the 2 of us playing. He snapped. Picked up a dice and threw it as hard as he could straight at my head. My mom refused to allow us to play monopoly again.

So last night I was playing with 2 of my boyfriend’s friends who I had never hung out with before. I tried to keep myself in check but still I got engrossed in the game. I was the first to have a monopoly and not any monopoly but the best one on the board (the blues!) I began to pull away and win. Now when I’m winning I don’t have a problem being graceful although I like to rub it in a little bit. The other girl obviously had a competitive streak because she was getting pissed about me winning. Too damn bad.

So I won the game of monopoly. Hahaha. I’m awesome I tell them. I’m the best monopoly player ever. I never lose. They responded by telling my boyfriend that we would not be invited over to play monopoly anymore.

It’s not just monopoly I’m competitive at – it’s everything including drinking games like presidents and a—holes. And I’m not above cheating to win. In fact I condone it. Anything to win. Am I too competitive? Should I learn to lose gracefully? Would you play monopoly with me?

Summer Fun Drifting Away

Work's about to become a little more boring because I'm about to lose my cohort in crime. Today is Allie from Life with Allie's last day. She is getting married this weekend and is leaving me to entertain myself here at work. I will miss her but our days of troublemaking are not even close to being over! Bye Al Pal!! :)

Tune into this

I am addicted to reality t.v. Laguna Beach, Real World, Bachelor, Apprentice, The Beauty & the Geek, Big Man on Campus, whatever - I don't care. I love it all. I plan my life around the TV Guide Channel. Monday night I was drinking with friends but when the clock struck nine I bolted to the television to catch a new Laguna Beach.

My addiction has gotton out of hand. I am now watching The 70s House. If you've seen it, you are laughing at me right now. It's horrible. A group of teens dress up and act like they're in the 70s and have to compete in challenges to be the most 70s. Do the hustle! It's stupid, it's lame, it's a must see for me.

I am also addicted to Soap Operas and soap opera like shoes. When people ask me which soaps I watch, their eyes get huge as I list off about every soap opera possible. I have one every hour from 11-3. They ask me why I don't tape them to watch after work. Maybe because I'd never have time to do anything else including watching reality t.v. One Tree Hill and The O.C. are among my other favorite shows. They too are very soap opera like.

I'm ashamed to say I'm a telelvision addict with my vices being reality t.v. and soap operas. I could watch all day every day and never get tired of them. So what is your crazy addiction? What show are you ashamed to say you watch? And what shows should I be watching?

Divorced by 21??? They're too young!

I moved! It was a big pain in the butt but I am finally in my new home. I love it. It’s so much bigger and we live right next to a park so maybe it will give me incentive to work out. So sorry I didn’t write yesterday but we haven’t had a chance to install our internet yet so work internet is all I have! And I’m not even supposed to be on that. But I couldn’t let me blogger friends down.

Another friend got engaged over the weekend. Not just a friend. An ex-boyfriend. It seems like everyone around me is getting engaged. One of my best friends is married, the other getting married in 2 weeks. My co-worker is getting married this weekend. And now my ex. It was a shock.

It’s not that I’m not happy for my friend and ex because I am. I am glad they are happy and found someone they truly love. What I don’t understand is why so young? These aren’t the olden days. We don’t have to get married anymore at 19, 20, 21. We’re not going to die when we’re 50. Life expectancy has increased and according to statistics so has the age to marry. But lately the statistics have lied.

My friend and her boyfriend been dating 9 months. My ex and his girlfriend have been dating less than 9 months. At 9 months you are still learning a lot about each other. You haven’t hit the one-year rocky point yet. I can’t even count the number of couples I know that date 2 years and break up because they realize that the other person just isn’t the one. They haven’t made it to the 2 year mark yet. When they do they’ll be married. Divorced by 21, 22, 23? That’s ridiculous. You shouldn’t have even been married yet at this age!

My friend is 19 marrying a 24 year old. My friend is 19 marrying a 24 year old. I think this is too young. At 19, 20, 21, 22, you are still in college. You don’t know who you are. You don’t know who you are going to be. People change. Especially after college. How can you say that this person you are happy with now you are still going to be happy with in 5, 10 years? These people are too young to make this decision.

All my friends are telling me that I’ll be the next to get married. All my friends are. And even though I know that I am not ready to get married I still feel the pressure. When will I get engaged? Why am I not getting married? Everyone else is. Then it hits me…because I’m 21. I’M NOT READY! I am perfectly happy being simply in love, dating, together with my boyfriend. I don’t need a ring or a wedding to confirm that.

I think that if you are truly in love and don’t fear falling out then you won’t rush into marriage. Wait 1, 2, 3 years. Maybe even more. Live together, love each other, be happy just being together. Don’t rush into marriage. Don’t feel like the only way your love can be confirmed is through a marriage certificate. Because it can’t.

So I’m taking bets on how long these marriage will last? Not only last because some are just pathetic enough to stay with someone they don’t love and will be miserable enough. So how long will they last and just how long will the honeymoon last? Let’s hear your thoughts. My money’s on 6 months.

It's Independence Day!

Independent. It’s something that I never thought I’d be. Throughout my life I have always been dependent on someone whether that be my parents, my sisters, my friends, or my boyfriends. I have never had any confidence in my ability to make it through the day on my own without any assistance from a friend or a boyfriend or my mom. I have relied on my dependence on others.

When I need to pay a bill, I call my mom. I don’t know how to do it. When I want to go shopping, I call a friend. I can’t go alone. When I want to hang out, I call my boyfriend. I don’t like to be by myself.

One of the aspects of my life I have always found myself dependent on was my boyfriend. I have always hated those girls who thought they constantly had to be with their boyfriend and couldn’t do anything without them but as time went on I found that I hated myself because I WAS one of those girls.

My friends would call to go out and I wouldn’t want to if my boyfriend was available to do something with me. Or if I was out with my friends all I could think about was getting home to my boyfriend. It was pathetic. I realized that. I just couldn’t help myself.

Lately I have been doing more and more with my friends and become less and less dependent on my boyfriend for my happiness. I have found that I can have a good time without him. Sometimes even a better time. I have found that my life doesn’t revolve around a man to make me happy. I can make myself happy.

In the past six months, I have attended more funerals that I have my entire life. One of a close friend, the other of an uncle. Seeing these people I used to know and love lying there in a casket cold and lifeless made me realize that life is too short to sit around and wait for someone or something. I might die tomorrow but I will die happy because at least I know I lived today.

So today, July 29, I am declaring VEEBA’S INDEPENDENCE DAY. The day when I realized that I, by myself, am more than enough to succeed and be happy in life. Anyone or anything else is just an added benefit! So today and every July 29 from here on out, I will raise a glass and make a toast to my independence.

Trust: Is it only for the optimistic?

Trust – it’s a hard thing to find inside yourself and inside your partner. My friend emailed me earlier this morning talking about how her and her boyfriend don’t fully trust each other. I told her to join the club. Everyone talks about how important trust is in a relationship but I don’t know a single person who fully trusts his or her partner. Much less fully trust themselves.

I think trust is something that comes as the relationship develops. This is a world full of divorce, full of infidelity, full of lies. With all the negative, it is hard to push it aside and only believe in the good in your partner.

Maybe you’ve trusted in the past and it’s bit you in the ass. Maybe it hasn’t. Maybe every relationship you’ve ever had has been perfect and you have no reason not to trust the other person. This is not the case for me and I’m sure it’s not the case for many of you.
I know myself yet I sometimes have a hard time even trusting myself. My current boyfriend is the only boyfriend I have never cheated on which I find to be quite an accomplishment and a real testament of how much I love him. But in the past I’ve told my partner to trust me, I’d never hurt them, there’s no reason not to believe me – I lied. I cheated, I lied, I went behind their back. Trusting me was the stupidest thing they ever could have done. So when my man is telling me to trust him, believe him, he wouldn’t cheat on me, how can I believe him?

How can anyone really trust someone else when they can’t fully trust themselves? I say sober I would never do anything but then I get drunk and that’s another story. People do things they wouldn’t normally do when they drink. They talk, they flirt, they often times hook up. The more you party without your man, the more your chances of cheating increase.

It’s not true that without full trust a relationship can’t work. No one ever has full trust in another person. Most people can’t even trust themselves. Trust has to be built on as a relationship progresses. He went out once without anything happening, twice without anything happening – maybe I really can trust him. Maybe I really can trust myself.

You can't be wondering what he's doing and he can't be wondering what you're doing all the time and always be suspicious of one another. You just have to put your full trust into that other person. Maybe it will bite you in the ass - you never know. But unless you put your full trust into someone the relationship can never work.
Do you think it’s smart to trust someone else when you know you can’t trust yourself? Do you think that everyone is destined to stray and that trust is impossible? Or do you trust and love with your whole heart hoping that you won’t be the one standing there looking stupid?

Scratching Away at True Happiness

I bought a lottery ticket this morning. I haven’t bought a lottery ticket in over a year. I used to be addicted. I’d scratch one, win $2, and go buy another one hoping for the opportunity to become a millionaire. It never happens.

I have dreamed my whole life of winning the lottery or finding a bag stashed with money or the bank making a huge error in my favor or some weird relative dying and leaving moolah. It hasn’t happened.

I continue to hope, I continue to scratch. I wasn’t a winner today but maybe tomorrow. Maybe the next day. Then all my dreams could finally come true. People do win occasionally. Why couldn’t I be one of those people.

If I won a million dollars, I’m not sure what I’d do but I can tell you what I wouldn’t do. I wouldn’t work. Hell no. I’d sit on my butt and enjoy every dollar of it. I think I would buy a big house in somewhere tropical by the ocean. I’d marry my handsome boyfriend and we’d live happily ever after. Or at least until the money ran out. I have a feeling it wouldn’t take long.

I don’t have anything major I want to do if I were to win a million dollars. I don’t want to buy a Cadillac, I don’t want to go on a shopping spree, I don’t want to buy much of anything. I just want to sit at home, not work, and live happily ever after. Am I shallow? What would you do if you won a $1 million?

Moving Again - New Home, New Friends

I will be moving into my third apartment in that many years this weekend. As a single college student, I do the whole roommate thing for housing and once again for the third time I will be changing roommates.

I had always heard people say “Don’t live with your friends. You’ll hate them,” but I never believed it was true. My first year of college I lived in the dorms and had a randomly selected roommate. Her name was Liz. She was a little bit odd, what I would call a little bit gothic but we got along fine. We didn’t hang out much, but we co-existed just fine. The year went by without any problems or major fights. We both moved and I haven’t talked to her since.

My sophomore year of college I lived with a girl I had met during my freshman year. We weren’t really friends but we knew each other and talked somewhat often and felt like we had a lot in common. We signed a lease and moved in together. This was the worst roommate situation I had ever had. This girl who seemed super cool was actually a bitch in disguise. She would move my crap, tell me and my friends we were being too loud (even on weekend nights she went to bed super early), and claimed the covered spot “her spot” in the wintertime when it would snow. By this time, she was on my most hated list. When it came time to look for a place for the next year, I couldn’t believe she had the nerve to ask me if we were still living together. HELL NO.

So by this time my best friend was transferring to my school so her, my best friend from school, and I chose to move in together. We thought it’d be great. We hang out all the time anyways. Why wouldn’t we get along? We would never hate each other…WRONG! It’s not that we by any means hate each other. We are all still friends; it’s just that living together means that you are together 24/7, dealing with each other when they’re grouchy, moody, sad, whatever. We were going out together, staying home together, watching t.v. together, eating together, everything. It was too much. We started going on own ways and our friendship was seriously stressed. When it came time to resign the lease, we all opted to do our own thing.

Now I am moving in with new friends in a new place hoping that it won’t ring true again not to live with your friends or you’ll hate them. I am really excited about my new place and looking forward to a duplex instead of an apartment in more of a party area. I am good friends with one of my future roommates but I am just getting to know the other one. I feel like we’re all going to get along great.
So tell me do you think I’m just being optimistic in hoping that my new roommates and me get along well when it hasn’t been that way in the past? What advice do you have to make sure that we don’t end up at each other’s throat? And on another note, there are 3 rooms: one with its own bathroom, one big one, and one small one. How can I rig it so that I don’t get stuck with the little one???

Work without Blogging

If you read Life With Allie and know that we work together, you already know what I'm about to tell you. Our office is in trouble for internet usage. A random check of employees in our office showed that we had over 20,000 hits to websites in less than 3 hours. Seems unreal. Luckily I was out of the office the day the check was conducted so can't be in any trouble.

The bad news, however, is that work will not be conducting random checks of people's computers to see if they are using the internet. This sucks because not only does it mean that I won't be blogging as often it also means I won't have jack shit to do at work. If they can't find work for me to do, at least let me use the internet. I can't twiddle my thumbs for 8 hours.

For all of you who are sad right now, don't be. This isn't the end of my blogging. Not in a million years. I am not scared of a little trouble. I am only an intern. I have only 12 days of work left. What's the worst that can happen? I get fired. Oh well. Then I can lay by the pool the rest of the summer. Awesome.

I just wanted to let all of my faithful fans out there know that the posts will be fewer. I won't post 15 times a day anymore, but don't worry - you can still count on at least 1-2! I am such a rebel. If the blogging ends, then you know that I'm caught and locked in the internet abuser prison. Oh no!

Who Gets the Friends???

When two friends in a group date and then break up, who gets custody of the friends? This is our dilemma. I’ve wrote about my friends Bryan and Penny who broke up after over a year of dating. They had mutual friends before dating, while dating, and still now after dating. We all party as a group, go out as a group. She is my good friend as well as a good friend of my boyfriend. He is my boyfriend’s best friend.

Thursday night Penny, my boyfriend, and I along with a few other friends went to a local baseball game and then our Thursday night hot spot. I admit we did avoid telling Bryan where we were going. This is the second week in a row my boyfriend and I have avoided telling him where we’re going in order to avoid the awkward confrontation between Penny and Bryan. But it was too late…

Thursday night as we arrived at the bar a few of our other friends were pulling up. My boyfriend, Penny, and I were already slightly intoxicated as we marched up to the bar together so we are laughing and wave real big to the carload of our friends. In the backseat we see Bryan with a very displeased look on his face.

Despite our attempts at avoiding him, Penny and I ran smack dab into Bryan and another friend for the awkward confrontation. Bare in mind, this is the first time they have seen each other since breaking up. Awkward silence, small talk, oh we have to go. End of conversation.

Friday night apparently Bryan drunk dialed Penny. They got into a huge argument about: you guessed it – friends. Bryan complained because Penny was hanging out with “his friends” and now he couldn’t go to that club on Thursday nights or out them nights at all because of the awkward confrontation.

Bryan was mad because we were hanging out where we always hang out with the same people we always hang out with. It’s a sticky situation. It was a mutual breakup so no one really hurt the other so they should be able to be civil to one another.
My question is: Should they learn to co-mingle or does one person have to stay home to avoid the awkward confrontation? When two people break up and have mutual friends, who get custody of the friends? Do we need to work up a custody agreement? You get Lee on Friday-Wednesday. I get him on Thursday. Ricky’s yours today; mine tomorrow. How do we solve this?

Click

Girls like to bitch. Girls like to talk on the phone. Girls like to bitch on the phone. I like to bitch on the phone to my significant other. Sometimes he has enough. Yesterday I yelled at him for not using his time wisely so that he could spend time with me when I got home. After about 5 minutes of this, the phone went dead. He had hung up on me. I was pissed.

I didn't call him back for a few hours because I knew it would only lead to more bitching and another click. Instead I cooled off, called him back later, realized we were both in the wrong, and both of us apologized to each other. Problem solved.

Last night when we were talking I told him that it's a good thing we see each other often because our relationship wouldn't last over the phone. Being the classic boy that he is, he hates talking on the phone. It's part of being a man. Being the girl that I am, I love talking on the phone. We butt heads. I bitch, he hangs up.

I understand that sometimes I bitch a little excessively and it's very tempting when you're listening to it on the phone to hang up. Click, problem solved. But why don't guys understand that this pisses us girl off? If I was the one being bitched at, I would at least have the decency to sit and listen and not just hang up. That's not my style.

Why can't boys just appreciate that their girl misses them and wants to talk. Why do they always have to be a big grouch on the phone and barely carry on a conversation. And more importantly, why can't guys listen instead of hanging up on us? When is it just plain rude to hang up on your significant other or anyone for that matter? It pisses me off...

Denials and Lies

For those of you who checked my blog on Friday and noticed I never posted, I had a much needed day off to lounge in the sun. I am back at work today and back to posting. Here's a first look at today's celebrity headlines:

Usher is refuting a rumor that he and his girlfriend are expecting a baby. He is refuting rumors that his girlfriend Eisha Culbert has a bun in the oven. Only time will tell...

Sienna Miller is making it clear that she is no longer sporting her engagement ring. She returned to her play on Wednesday making a point of showing her ringless finger to the audience. Sadie Frost is offering her advice in a statement last week in the London Daily Mirror telling Sienna if she needs her advice to call her.

After winning his seventh Tour de France, Lance Armstrong is ready to move on. "I'm ready to move on," he told USA Today before the Tour's final stages. "I know in my heart of hearts that it is absolutely the right decision."

A lady posing as Jessica Simpson's assistant is in trouble. The New Jersey woman knew almost everything there was to know about Simpson and after setting up an email account in Jessica's assistant's name, solicitated businesses for free gifts. More than a couple companies took the bait. When police raided Handel's home they found jewelry from Reform, footwear from Frye, undergarments from Sweet Soul Design, and gifts from many other fashion, jewelry and cosmetics designers. Some of the vendors even included personalized notes to Simpson.

Now I have actually work to do but I promise to post later!

Drunk Texting

Wow, the advancement of technology has allowed us so many conveniences. The latest among many: text messaging. Text message is great. You can get your message across without having to actually talk to someone. Brilliant. There’s no fear of rejection, no need to chitchat. You can just get straight to the point. Enter drunk dialing.

Drunk dialing has long been a common practice – at least it has been for me. More so after a long night of drinking. I would have never landed my most recent boyfriend without drunk dialing. For those of you who are unfamiliar with drunk dialing this is how it works: You drink A LOT, then you want to hook up so you call one of you f*ck buddies. Me: Hey you want to have sex? Them: Sure. Me: Okay I’ll be right over. Quick and simple. And virtually painless unless they say no which is humiliating because now you have called this person and just made a fool out of yourself. Enter drunk texting.

Now with drunk texting we have all the conveniences of drunk dialing without any of the humiliation. My text message to him: Let’s have sex. Him: Nah I’m not in the mood. Me: Oops my bad. That message wasn’t intended for you. Sorry about that. Haha. Now he looks like the fool. Like I would actually want to hook up with him. That was intended for one of my other f*ck buddies. Yea, the joys of drunk texting.

My friend just got a loaner phone from her cell phone provider and obviously someone had borrowed it before because she found 2 loan text messages saved in it. The first said I want to have sex WITH U 2night. Okay as if it isn’t bad enough that you’re throwing yourself at the guy. You are having to also SPECIFY that you want to have sex with him. I think that’s clear by the fact that you text messaged him. Do you really need to clarify with who. Hey I want to have sex with your friend Joe tonight. Can you pass the text message along? Moron.

With the joys of drunk texting also comes the humiliation when you look through your phone and see all the retarded messages you send and what a fool you made of yourself. Drunk dialing is kind of scary so it takes a lot of courage to do it and you’re usually not going to keep bothering someone over and over. Drunk texting is a totally different story. I’m not afraid to text message over and over until I get the answer I want. Why not? I’m not actually having to face this guy? It’s like internet instant messaging. I could say anything.

The more I explore drunk texting the worse idea I think it is because at least with drunk dialing there’s no proof of what you said and what an idiot you made out of yourself. With drunk texting, he can show it to all his friends and make fun of me. Hmmm…

So which do you think is worse? Which is easiest? Drunk dialing or drunk texting? Do you do it and why do you do it? When is too much? One message, 2 messages, 10 messages? When does your horniness turn into craziness and you become a stalker?