Trust – it’s a hard thing to find inside yourself and inside your partner. My friend emailed me earlier this morning talking about how her and her boyfriend don’t fully trust each other. I told her to join the club. Everyone talks about how important trust is in a relationship but I don’t know a single person who fully trusts his or her partner. Much less fully trust themselves.
I think trust is something that comes as the relationship develops. This is a world full of divorce, full of infidelity, full of lies. With all the negative, it is hard to push it aside and only believe in the good in your partner.
Maybe you’ve trusted in the past and it’s bit you in the ass. Maybe it hasn’t. Maybe every relationship you’ve ever had has been perfect and you have no reason not to trust the other person. This is not the case for me and I’m sure it’s not the case for many of you.
I know myself yet I sometimes have a hard time even trusting myself. My current boyfriend is the only boyfriend I have never cheated on which I find to be quite an accomplishment and a real testament of how much I love him. But in the past I’ve told my partner to trust me, I’d never hurt them, there’s no reason not to believe me – I lied. I cheated, I lied, I went behind their back. Trusting me was the stupidest thing they ever could have done. So when my man is telling me to trust him, believe him, he wouldn’t cheat on me, how can I believe him?
How can anyone really trust someone else when they can’t fully trust themselves? I say sober I would never do anything but then I get drunk and that’s another story. People do things they wouldn’t normally do when they drink. They talk, they flirt, they often times hook up. The more you party without your man, the more your chances of cheating increase.
It’s not true that without full trust a relationship can’t work. No one ever has full trust in another person. Most people can’t even trust themselves. Trust has to be built on as a relationship progresses. He went out once without anything happening, twice without anything happening – maybe I really can trust him. Maybe I really can trust myself.
You can't be wondering what he's doing and he can't be wondering what you're doing all the time and always be suspicious of one another. You just have to put your full trust into that other person. Maybe it will bite you in the ass - you never know. But unless you put your full trust into someone the relationship can never work.
Do you think it’s smart to trust someone else when you know you can’t trust yourself? Do you think that everyone is destined to stray and that trust is impossible? Or do you trust and love with your whole heart hoping that you won’t be the one standing there looking stupid?
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13 comments:
there's a fine line between being trusting...and being naive (nice way to say stupid)...i haven't decided which i am yet ;-)
I'm now getting a divorce due to the fact that I can't trust my husband anymore. I trusted him when he said he would never do it again. It turns out he has done it two more times in our 11 year relationship. I thought long and hard about my decision. I know that he can not go the rest of our marriage and never cheat on me again. That is why I'm leaving. I am a very trusting person when it comes to those that are close to me. I will find someone and I will TRUST again.
I'm sorry to hear that Lilith. Good luck with the divorce.
You are right Wendi..there is definitely a fine line. I think most people are too naive.
i think you have to have trust in a relationship or it won't work. the person who can't do the trusting suffers as well as the person who isn't being trusted (whether or not the reason for not being trusted is valid or not).
i know that anyhing can happen, even in the most trusting relationships, but that's just the risk you take when you truly love someone.
I agree with you p-funk and I am learn to trust more and more every day. I know my boyfriend would never cheat on me and I will not cheat on him. And Johnny, no comments from you. We are NOT breaking up. I do trust him.
It's funny but I'm one of those people that trusts whole-heartedly. I'm not sure what my record is on that yet but I konw I try not to stand back thinking that I'm stupid for trusting that individual. Sometime's you gotta take that chance. Granted the results can be good or bad but how else can you move forward if you don't?
here's the way I see it...this trust thing.
Trust is very important. I learned that after my last relationship. You cannot continue to dwell and have insecurities on wether someone will be faithful or not. You will always have the "what ifs" in your head and that is not healthy, for you or your relationship.
What helps me sleep at night is knowing that if something were to happen, that is what is suppose to happen. You cannot control what someone is going to do. You gotta just throw it to the stars and let life take it's course. Remember, if anything ever did happen, someone or something will be there to replace it.
I agree with everyone here, without trust you don't have a realationship. I think you need to trust in each other all the way. And if in the end you do get hurt you learn and move on, and hopefully you would trust the next time as well.
Ahhh trust - the elusive trait that is usually the doom for most relationships. I got divorced because I lost trust. Not because he cheated on me but because he lied and I was more pissed off at myself for not seeing the lies. All the bullshit that my friends saw - I didnt see. Now, as I'm starting to date again, I'm realizing that I need to trust myself again to know that not all guys are going to be liars like my ex, that there are nice guys out there and that I have to learn to TRUST them - just not be stupid about it.
You know, a couple of posts ago you were telling Johnny Menace that you and b/f are not breaking up. I can't help but wonder if maybe something is going on........
Of course, I do not wish for your break-up, but it just seems odd....
Badgod, I trust my boyfriend wholeheartedly. This post wasn't actually for me. My roommmate was talking to me about how her and her bf don't trust each other and it got me thinking. I am one of the naive or optimistic...
i also have a hard time trusting...i went through a phase in my life where i could barely even trust myself...but now that i trust myself again i am learning to trust others more...
lots of good points! good blog! :)
Good post, with a lot of good questions. Trust is something that is easy for some based off of what type of way that they think. Me, I'm a critical or analytical thinker, so I think about why something is the way it is and make a choice on whether that course is wise based on the possible outcome or consequences. I'm not a person that has a hard time trusting someone, but there are just different kinds of trust. For instance, you trust your other to love you and be accepting of your flaws; you trust a fellow soldier to watch your back in combat; and you trust your friends to be accepting as well as watch you back. I've had many girlfriends, with a couple that cheated on me, and I could tell that they did almost instantly, without having to be told about it based on their behavior and attitude at the time. But I trusted each of them equally, until they proved unworthy of said trust. Nothing against anybody out there that has cheated on the one they love, but I haven't, and I know that I never will because I have the strength of character to stay loyal. I think that the moment someone cheats on you just once, that is one time too many and it's time to move on. But then again, that's just me. Oh, and check out my Blog, Veeba, I put some new stuff up!
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