Tempting Fate

I don’t know how long I had been crying before I heard another knock at the door. I stood up and swung the door open.

“What?”

Ben stood in front of me looking just as handsome as he had the night before but troubled and very tired.

“Addy, what is going on? You’re not ready? Is everything okay? You look like you’ve been crying?”

This time I collapsed in his arms. I was surprised that I still had tears to cry. He held me for what felt like the longest time before he pulled back.

“What’s going on? Why are you so sad? Is this because of…”

“Brad was here.”

“What?” I could tell by the tone of his voice he was angry. “What the hell was that bastard doing here? Where is he? I’ll kick his ass.”

“He’s gone. He left.”
“What was he doing here?”

“He was here last night when you dropped me off?”

“And he just left? What the hell happened?” Now he looked really pissed.

I started from last night and told him the whole story – how I had blacked out and woke up this morning and he was in my bed all sweet and acting like we were back together. And then The Devil showed up and he kicked her out and then I had kicked him out but I knew he wasn’t going to give up that easily. I felt so depleted. Like I had lost my last friend and I knew I looked a wreck.



“I must look terrible,” I said straightening my hair trying to make myself look somewhat presentable. The swollen red eyes didn’t help anything. I looked down at my feet.

Ben grabbed my chin and pulled my face up to look at him. He smiled. “You look great. Always do.”

We both stood there for a second looking into each other’s eyes before he leaned down and kissed me once again sending chills down my spine. He stopped and ran his hands down my arms grabbing my hands and lacing his fingers through mine.

The Waterworks Begin

Brad reached for me but I pushed his hand away, jumped up and ran for the bathroom. I puked until there was nothing left to puke. I was certain I looked like a mess and felt like one too. I mustered up the strength to head into the kitchen where Brad had fixed me a couple slices of toast and set out a glass of orange juice.

“I thought this would make you feel better.”

“You know what would make me feel better?” I asked. “You getting the hell out of my house. NOW.”

He started to say something.

“I mean it. NOW.”

“But I thought...”

“You thought wrong. Get out.” By now my voice was shaking but I remained firm. I wanted him to know that I wasn’t going to change my mind on this. I thought he was going to say something but he didn’t. He gathered his stuff and headed to the door.

“I guess I’ll call you later?”

“Don’t bother.”

“I’ll call you later,” he reaffirmed and then he was gone. Once again I collapsed in a heap against the door and I cried. Really cried. I cried until there wasn’t any tears left to cry. I had screwed up. Once again. And there was no one to blame but myself.

Mark One Up For Me

Brad headed toward the door while I got out of bed and threw on a robe. I heard some commotion going on the living room and headed out to see who was at the door. I swung open the bedroom door and froze. The Devil in Fake Prada. Shit. She was yelling at Brad and didn’t seem to see me at first. But when she did all hell broke loose.

“You stupid slut.”

“Who you calling a slut? I believe you’re the one who’s been cheating with MY fiancé.” I drew out the fiancé just to add a little extra sting.

“EX-fiance,” I had to admit that stung a little. “He left you. He’s with me now. You couldn’t handle it. You man-stealing slut. You’re not going to win. He loves me. He’s coming back to me.”

I sauntered over. My hangover had subsided and I was ready to cause a little trouble. I slung my arm over Brad and let a mischievous smile spread across my face.

“I believe it was me who won last night, all night long. Now wasn’t it, Brad. And I believe it was just a few minutes ago you were telling me how much you loved me.”

“You bitch!” I saw her hand coming toward my face but couldn’t react fast enough. The next thing I know was her hand was stopped directly in my face. Brad had grabbed her wrist and stopped the blow. He spoke calmly and turned to her.

“Missy, I think you need to leave. Addy and I…” He paused. “We’re back together. Right, baby?”

I bottled up all my anger and hatefulness and smiled. “That sure is, sweetie. We just loved each other too much to stay away. One little MISTAKE couldn’t keep us apart.” He wrapped his arm around me and a chill ran through my body. I shook it off. “I think it’s time you leave my property before I call the police.” I opened the door and pointed the way out.

“This isn’t over. You haven’t won.” She said. “He’s going to come back to me. He loves me. I know he does.”
“You’re right. It isn’t over.” I shoved her out the door and slammed the door in her face. I fell back against the door and slid to the ground wrapping my hands around my stomach. I felt sick. Seriously sick.

Regrets

I woke up the next morning with a massive hangover. I should have seen this one coming as much as I had drank the night before. It had been awhile since I’d had a hangover of this magnitude and now I realized why.

I stretched my arms my eyes still mostly closed. The house was drafty and I wasn’t ready to get up yet. I rolled over to my left to cuddle up to my pillow. I reached out and struck something warm. My eyelids slowly creeped open. I gasped.

“Hello, beautiful.”

“Shit.”

“Well, good morning to you too.”

I curled up in a ball and could feel the tears making their way to the forefront. I flipped over refusing to let him see me cry. He curled up to me and wrapped his arms around me.

“I think this is just what both of us needed to put the past behind us and start fresh.”

I bit my tongue afraid of the words that might come billowing out. I didn’t know how to respond to this turn of events.

“You know I love you, right?”

My head felt like it was going to explode – partly from the hangover, partly from my frustration. My heart hung low in disappointment. I had turned to the bottle and was paying the price. Years of AA meetings had taught me how tough it could be to stay away when bad things happened and how we had to stay strong and remember our sponsor. I had convinced myself that those years of my life were behind me. I hadn’t spoken to my sponsor for over a year.

“Why don’t I make us some breakfast?” Brad asked. “Some pancakes for my little buttercup?” he asked as he patted me gently on my butt.

“Why don’t you just leave?” I responded bitterly but still continuing to avoid eye contact.

He was quiet for a second as he let the words hit him. I thought that maybe he was actually going to listen for once and hit the road. But then I knew him better than that.

“Come on, baby. I know this is hard for you. You hate admitting when you are wrong and showing any weakness, but you need me. You need me just as bad as I need you.”

Just then there was a heavy knocking on the door. It didn’t stop and continued to get louder.

“Are you going to get that?” Brad asked.

“No, I’m not expecting anyone.” I turned and looked at him. “Are you?”

Stumbling

I pulled back. “What in the world are you doing?”

“We lost it.”

“You lost it. You lost it all. That’s for sure.”

“No, Addy, SHE lost it.”

“Lost what?” I was thoroughly confused. What in the world was he talking about?

“We lost the baby, Addy. She had a miscarriage. I just found out. I’ve been sitting on your front step for hours waiting for you to come home to tell you the good news.

“Good news? Good news?” I was slightly miffed. “How is a woman having a miscarriage good news? A woman carrying YOUR baby?”

“I was sad at first. I was excited to become a father. But then it hit me. I was with her because of the baby. That’s all. I thought that I had fallen for her but it was just the baby that I had fallen for. I was in love with the idea of being a father. But if there was no baby, there was no us, which meant I was free.”

I laughed. “You certainly are. I’m glad you take so much pleasure out of it.”

Brad grabbed my hands. “I’m free, baby. Free to be with you again. We can get married after all.”

“Baby? Married? I think you’re moving a little quickly here. You’re free alright, Brad. But as far as I’m concerned, you’re going to stay that way.”

I turned to walk away and stumbled a little up the front step.

“Are you drunk?” Brad asked.

“Of course not,” I said as I chuckled.

“You’re freaking drunk. How am I supposed to have a serious conversation with you when you’re drunk?”

“Oh, Brad. Any chance of us having a serious relationship went out the window when you ruined our “serious” relationship by climbing into bed with another woman. So maybe you’re the one who should be having a “serious” conversation with yourself.”

He grabbed me by the shoulder and started to help me up the steps. I didn’t want – or need – any help, especially not from him. I pushed him back and hurdled up the steps and to the door. Brad followed behind.

“If you think I’m letting you in this door, you have another thing coming. You need to hit the road, Brad.”

He started to say something but thought better of it. He knew how angry of a drunk I could be. I was the daughter of an alcoholic father and the disease didn’t strike too far from home. I had wavered on the side of an addiction when I first met Brad and he had saved me from the self-destruction that was sure to come. I guess that was one thing I could be thankful to Brad for. One of many…

Blurring the Lines

“There. Got rid of him,” Ben said. “Can we go now?”

Neither of us said a word as we walked back to the office. We didn’t even so much as look at each other until we were in the office parking lot. Ben started for his car, and I started for mine. He stopped.

“Addy.”

I turned. “Yea?”

“Maybe you should ride with me.”

What was going on here? Did Ben have a thing for me? He couldn’t. We had been friends forever. He had a girlfriend who he lived with. A girlfriend who I was friends with. But why then did he kiss me? I didn’t have time to give it much though. Ben had grabbed me by the arm and was hurrying me to his car.

“Come on. Let’s go. I’m not going to let you drive.”

“But my car…” I stumbled over the yellow line. I guess maybe I should be driving. “How will I get to work tomorrow?”

“Don’t worry about it. I’ll come get you.”

We were silent the rest of the way to my place. When he pulled in front of my house, Ben started to say something but stopped. I reached for the door handle and looked back.

“Ben…”

“See you tomorrow, Addy.” Before I knew what was happening, Ben leaned over planted another big kiss on my lips, reached across me, flung open the door, pushed me out and spun off as I was left standing in the drive my mouth hung open in shock swaying a little from one too many pitchers.

“What the hell is going on here?”

I flung around and came face-to-face with Brad.

“I, uh, what…” I started. “What are you doing here?”
“What am I doing here? I guess I should ask you the same question.”

“How long have you been here?”
“Long enough to see what I just saw. Ben? Really? How long has this been going on?”

I started to tell him nothing was going on and that it was nothing. But I wasn’t so sure about that. It sure felt like something. But I couldn’t say how Ben felt. After all, he had a girlfriend who he seemed very much in love with and had never shown me one ounce of interest before tonight. I wasn’t so sure he was even showing interest tonight or just trying to get me home. I wasn’t going to let Brad know that though.

“Well, to tell you the truth, that’s absolutely none of your business.”

“You little bitch,” he said so hatefully I almost recoiled. “You were cheating all along, weren’t you? When were you planning on telling me? Or were you just going to let me take the fall for everything?”

“Oh give me a break, Brad. I don’t know why we’re even having this conversation. I tried to push by him but he stopped me.”

“Look me in the eye and tell me you weren’t cheating, Addy.”

I stared him straight in the eyes desperately trying to make him disappear. “I wasn’t cheating. This is the first time it’s ever happened.”
Relief flooded through Brad’s eyes. He pulled me toward him and wrapped his arms around me in a huge, stifling hug. He kissed my neck, kissed my cheek and moved toward my lips.

Pushed to Action

A half hour later Ben and I had managed to down three pitchers and had another on the way. It was safe to say we were both a little tipsy. A guy that I had seen there a few times before kept glancing over our way.

“I think you have an admirer,” Ben whispered in my ear.

“Not interested,” as I downed another glass.

“Too late. He’s headed this way.”

I looked over and sure enough the man was making his way to our booth.

“Hi, I’m Jon,” he said as he held his hand out to me.

I reached for the pitcher completely ignoring him.

Ben reached his hand out and shook Jon’s hand.

“I’m Ben,” he said. “This is Addy. We work across the street at Fleisher.”

“I thought I had seen you two here before. I work at McDonahue & Wilshire accounting firm down the road. Mind if I join you?”

I guess you could safely say that I had moved beyond tipsy and was quite drunk by now. I scooted over and patted the seat beside me.

“Sit on down, partner,” I giggled. “I’ll even let you buy me a drink.”

Jon ordered us another pitcher and I reached for it.

Ben grabbed my wrist before I could grab hold.

“Slow down, Addy. I think you’ve had enough.”

“Butt out, Ben. Do you think I’ve had enough, Jon?”

Jon wiggled in his seat looking uncomfortable and looked from Ben to me.

“I don’t know,” he finally said. “Looks like you’re having fun to me.”

Ben sighed. “Addy, can I talk to you? Privately.”

Jon excused himself to go to the men’s room and I glared over at Ben upset at him for sending him away. After all, he was pretty cute. Or was that just the alcohol talking?

“What the hell are you doing, Addy?”

“Just having a little fun. What’s the harm in that?”

“I think it’s time for both of us to be going,” Ben said as he stood up in the booth and grabbed my arm. I resisted. “Addy, let’s go.”

Something in the tone of his voice moved me to action. I grabbed my glass and chugged what was left and stood up. Ben led the way as I followed behind. We were almost out the door when Jon caught up with us. He grabbed my right arm and pulled me back.

“Hey, leaving already?” He asked. “I thought we were just starting to have fun.”

I giggled. Ben didn’t. “Sorry, man, we need to get going.”

Jon looked from Ben to me and back at Ben. “I’m sorry. Did I interrupt something here? I didn’t mean to interfere. Are you two like – together? I didn’t think you were. I thought I had seen you both here with other people before so I just assumed.”

“Assumed what?” Ben asked. “That we were just friends?”

At this precise moment, Ben leaned down and planted the biggest, wettest kiss on my lips. At first I started to recoil but then I stopped myself and leaned in. It was cold at first but then my whole body began to warm up and my feet began to tingle. As quickly as he started, Ben pulled away. I looked up at him my eyes wide with amazement. Jon had now turned on his heels and walked off.

Back to Life or Something Like It

aSomehow I mustered up the courage to send Brad packing. It wasn’t easy but I knew it was what I needed to do. Because at the end of the day he was going back to The Devil and I knew it. And as angry as it made me that she had won and she had got the guy, my guy; I knew it was for the best. They were having a kid together and no matter how much I loved him, I couldn’t – wouldn’t – stand in the way of that.

Brad fed me some line about how he would always love me and that he hoped we could continue to be friends. I nodded and pretended to feel the same but the only thing I hoped is that I never had to see him or his whore ever again. The fact that I knew he wasn’t “The One” didn’t make my heart hurt any less because the fact of the matter was that I was starting all over. Back at square one. I was a single again and that was the loneliest feeling in the world.

I woke up on Monday exhausted but relieved. It hadn’t been easy to hear but I felt like Brad had finally given me the closure I needed to put this who fiasco behind me and start living again. I didn’t quite feel like a new woman but I felt like a better woman.

I made the decision to pick myself off the couch and return to work. My only hope was that I had a job to return to. I even took a shower and did my hair and makeup for the first time since the almost wedding. If I was going to do this, if I was going to start over, I was going to do it with my best face forward.

I arrived at work about 15 minutes early but the office was already bustling. As I made my way to my cubicle, several people nodded or waved hello while others gave me half pity smiles. I bit my lip and smiled back. I would not be a train wreck. I would not show my weakness. I had almost made it to my cube when Amy, the secretary and queen of all things gossip crossed my path.

“Oh, Addy!” She wrapped her arms around me and hugged me tightly. “It’s so great to see you back. We weren’t sure we would ever see you again. How are you doing?”

She was looking me over from head to toe to see if she could find any sign of weakness. Had I mismatched my socks? Were my pants wrinkled? Did my shirt have a stain? Had I been crying? I had made sure the answer to all of those questions was no.

“I’m doing great. Thanks for asking, Amy. How are you doing?” I hoped that by changing the subject she would let it rest.

“Well, I’m doing good but I didn’t just have my heart broken. Oh, Addy, it was so tragic. I don’t know how you did it.”

She had to go there. I knew she couldn’t let it rest.

“I don’t know that I would call it tragic. A blessing is really more accurate.”

Bewilderment flashed in her eyes. Why did I have to run into Amy my first day back? She was only going to dig for dirt so she could spread it around the office. Did you hear about Addy? Her fiancé left her at the altar and she was so devastated she nearly committed suicide. I heard she tried to kill herself but wasn’t even successful in that. Poor thing.

I was not going to be anyone’s poor thing. And I was not going to be the butt of office jokes and the subject of office rumors. I would set her straight right here and now.

“Oh, Addy. You know you can talk to me if you need to. I’m always right up there.” She pointed to her desk at the front of the office.

“As much as I would love to spill my life story to you, Amy, everyone knows that it would only be a matter of minutes before you had spilled it to everyone else in the office. So thanks but no thanks. If I wanted to be the subject of office whispers, I would have just called Page Six.”

Her mouth dropped and she turned in a huff. At least now she would have something to talk about the rest of the day. I’m sure she would say that my almost wedding had turned me into an evil bitch or something to that effect. I dropped my briefcase on my desk and settled into my chair. I breathed a sign of relief and turned my computer on. It was going to be a long day but it would be one day closer to putting my life back together and putting that nightmare of a day behind me. Or so I had convinced myself.

It was a little after one before everyone realized I was back and it seemed like everyone and their dog dropped by to say hello. Most kept it short, “Hello, good to have you back.” Some hung around hoping to get the scoop on my almost wedding. All left when they realized that I wasn’t saying a word.

Before the end of the day an IM popped up from Ben. Ben and I had started at the office about the same time. Since we were about the same age, we had instantly bonded and became work buddies. We didn’t usually hang out after work because he usually had to get home to his girlfriend but we often went to lunch together and occasionally even happy hour.

ben: welcome back little lady!

me: i don’t know how welcome I feel but thanks!

ben: let me guess…amy trying to dig for scoop and everyone else casually walking by your office to say ‘hi’ but really hoping you’re gonna spill your guts

me: something like that. seems like nothing’s changed around here!

ben: other than me being incredibly bored without you, no it hasn’t. need a drink?

me: many…

ben: let’s hit happy hour at o’malley’s

me: can we leave now?

Ben: race you to the door

I grabbed my coat and purse and headed out careful to keep my head down so I didn’t have to return any of the pity smiles. Ben was at the door waiting for me.

“Let’s rock and roll, pretty lady.”

I asked for it

Here it is: the final installment in my serial story. Leave me a comment if you think I should continue this story and help Addy find "The One". To be continued, maybe...

“So tell me, was it when I was walking down the aisle that you decided I just wasn’t pretty enough; wasn’t sweet enough; wasn’t whatever you needed enough or when was it?”

“No, Addy. Not at all.” He stood now and walked toward me slowly. He grabbed my wrists tenderly.

“It wasn’t like that. I saw you walk down the aisle – so beautiful, so innocent and full of love in your eyes and that’s when I knew. I knew I didn't deserve you. You deserved a guy who could appreciate you. Who realized how wonderful you were, perfect in every way. You deserved a guy who wouldn’t cheat on you, who wouldn’t break your heart, who wouldn’t ruin your life. And I knew, Addy. I knew I wasn’t that guy. Don’t you see? You were too good for me.”

I cried. I hadn’t meant to but I cried. Brad pulled me close and hugged me. He was the last person I wanted a hug from right now and the only person I needed one from. The story was far from perfect. In fact, it was downright awful but somehow it eased my pain. I still loved Brad. Nothing could stop that. I knew a part of me would probably always love Brad but the other part of me was glad. Glad that he didn’t marry me. Glad that he was able to walk away. Because I wasn't strong enough to.

I knew he wasn’t the one. I had always knew he wasn’t the one but I had wanted to marry him anyways because I wasn’t sure “The One” would ever find me. Would ever love me for who I am. Would ever fit so perfectly in my life as Brad had. I wasn’t sure “The One” was anything more than a myth. But here I was back at square one letting Mr. Wrong walk out of my life – not by choice – and starting over again. Waiting for the magic. Waiting for the love. Waiting for “The One.” And if they were all wrong and there was no such thing as “The One.” There was always me. And somehow that would have to be good enough.

One Wrong Step

“You went to her house the night before our wedding? After our rehearsal? After we had sat at the church with the preacher and all of our wedding party practicing for our wedding day, you went to your whore’s house. That’s so lovely, Brad.”

“Don’t pass judgment. I was going to break it off. I swear I was. But then she was there crying on the bed. She told me she was pregnant and that I was the dad. She told me she was going to keep the baby and I could be a part of its life or not. It was up to me.”

“I thought about getting up and leaving right there but she was so vulnerable so sad. I knew I wouldn’t be able to live with myself if I didn’t stand by her and help her take care of that baby – our baby. We stayed up talking all night and somewhere during the night, I fell for her.”

“You fell for her? On our wedding night, you fell for another woman.”

“Night before our wedding night.”

“Same difference.”

“So it seems apparent you knew at least 12 hours before the wedding that you weren’t going to marry me so why put me through the misery, pain of getting ready, walking down the aisle and then leaving me standing there?”

“I was torn. I loved you. I loved her. She was having my baby but I was marrying you. I didn’t know what to do or who I loved more. I thought that if you married me everything would somehow be okay and I could have both.”

“Both?” I let out a evil laugh. “What did you think? The three of us were just going to live happily ever after? Come on now, Brad. That’s ridiculous.”

“The point is that I was thinking at all. I was scared. I was confused. I was torn between the two women that I loved and one of them was having my baby. What would you have done?”

“I don’t know. Maybe not have slept with another woman. Not have carried on an affair while my fiancé was planning our wedding. Not have been stupid enough to get her pregnant. Not have continued this charade until my wedding day and left my bride at the altar. That’s what I would have done, Brad.”

I was fired up now. Livid. I was seeing red. If Brad made one wrong move, I knew I would KO him right here in my living room.

Storytime

“I met her one night when I went out with the guys. You were at home with a cold. It started out innocently but gradually as I got drunker she started to get more flirtatious and by the end of the night she was full on coming on to me. I didn’t intend for anything to happen but I was so drunk, Addy. Somehow I ended up back at her place and one thing led to another and before I knew it we had slept together.”

“And it was just that one time?”

“Not exactly.”

Those weren’t the words I had wanted to hear.

“I came home the next day and felt so guilty. You gave me the third degree about where I had stayed but you bought my story that Tommy had made me crash at his place. I wanted to confess it all to you right then and there but knew that you would never be able to forgive me. I thought it was just a one-night stand so I decided the best thing for both of us would be to just not say anything.”

“I don’t think you thought about me at all in this decision, Brad. You were just protecting your own ass.”
“Do you want me to finish or what?”

I nodded as he continued.

“I didn’t know that I had given her my number and she started calling me. At first I ignored the calls but finally I picked up. She said she really needed to see me and asked that I meet her right away. At first I resisted but finally I agreed to meet her at her house. When I got there she had planned this whole seduction scene. I should have turned and left right then but for some reason, I didn’t. I went in and she seduced me. Next thing I knew I had done it again. I came home feeling awful. I could hardly look at you. I didn’t know what I was going to say or do. You were so excited about the wedding that I didn’t want to break your heart so I just went along with everything.

“Didn’t want to break my heart? Oh you did a find job of that, Brad. A fine job. Why don’t you just skip the nasty sex stories – they make me sick and skip to when you found out she was pregnant and decided that you were going to leave me standing at the altar like an idiot.”

“I swear I didn’t find out until the night before our wedding, Addy. We had been sleeping together for about four months but I fully intended to break it off that night. I went to her house…”

Answers

Back by popular demand...my continuing story in installments. If you go back to May, maybe even April you will see the first four installments of the story and see where we left off. We last left our beloved Addy KOed on the ground by The Devil. Enjoy. The final installments will promptly be delivered over the next few days!

It must have been five, maybe ten minutes before I came to. Brad was standing over me and I could tell he was worried.

"Addy? Addy? Addy, are you okay?"

It all started to come back to me.

"Where is that bitch? That orange dragon bitch. I'm taking her down."

"I made her leave, Addy. I'm sorry. I didn't know she had followed me. I sent her home. I'll take care of her later. Right now I'm worried about you. You were out quite a little while. Are you sure you're okay?"

Honestly I wasn't. My head felt like I had a massive hangover and I could see blood and was pretty sure that my nose was broke. But I wasn't letting that stop me.

"A girl who hits other girls? That's pretty white trash, Brad. Are you proud of your baby mama?"

"Don't call her that."

"What? White trash or baby mama? Because both are true."

"Well, judging from the insults you're hurling I guess you're okay. I'm going to get my stuff and go."

"The hell you are."

By now I was on my feet and positioned between the door and the stairs.

"You're not going anywhere. Set your ass down."

I must have sounded more bad ass than I felt because he did just as I said sitting down on the loveseat. He laid his head down in his hands and then rubbed his hands through his hair.

The time to get answers was now or never. I could tell his guard was down.

"Where do you want me to start?" he asked.

"How about the beginning?"

He took a deep breath and started a story that was sure to be the final splinter in my heart.

The Hills, The Hills, The Hills!

Next Monday The Hills comes back to MTV and I for one can't wait. This is one of my favorite shows and Lauren Conrad is one of my favorite people that I don't know! I loved her on Laguna Beach and I loved her on season one and two of The Hills. I am looking forward to following her life in LA for another season.

My excitement for the season is being derailed by my utter disgust for Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag. They are the worst excuse for human beings I've ever seen. For non-Hills watchers, Heidi and Lauren used to be best friends until Spencer decided he wanted Heidi all to himself and brainwashed her to hate Lauren.

The latest in this terrible twosome if them attacking Lauren on the radio stations and on Spencer's Web site (which by the way doesn't even work he's so pathetic). It's one thing to say you don't like somebody but it's another to complete ream them by calling them rude, inappropriate names and making up lies (like the sex tape). I listened to their interview on the Ryan Secrest show and they sounded like immature junior high kids who had no life (which is true).

They went on and on about how Lauren was mean to them in US Weekly for SIX pages. But I read the US Weekly article and she was anything but mean. In usual politically correct style, Lauren commented politely that they weren't friends anymore and that too many things had happened. She did not call them names like a five-year-old. She did not make fun of them. She simply stated the facts.

Does anyone know how to contact MTV? I would really love to start a petition to get Heidi and Spencer of this season of The Hills! Please help...

Perez, you go girl - I mean boy!

I know you've been there. I don't know many people who haven't aside from my parents. Perez Hilton is where the best celebrity trashing/gossip is at. It's not number one in my book in delivering celebrity gossip first (TMZ takes that honor) but I love it just the same because it's a little different.

Mr. Perez has labeled himself the Queen of all Media and the title fits. He has hit the scene big time with millions of hits each day (I don't know this for a fact - just a guess). Perez isn't just on the Web anymore. He's popping up at the Canadian music awards, in Glamour magazine and coming tomorrow The View.

With the much talked about departure of Rosie O'Donnell, The View is looking to replace her. Kathy Griffin and Ivanka Trump (she refused) are some of the names being thrown around as possible replacements but I have a sneaking suspicion we all might be a little surprised.

Perez Hilton is co-hosting The View tomorrow and also says he has a "big announcement" tomorrow. My guess? He's going to be the next co-host of The View.

How do you go from your blog to co-hosting a talk show like The View. You get people to listen. And Perez has done that. I think he would be a great fit for The View. He would certainly bring in the younger generation. Walk onto any college campus or stop someone under 30 and ask them if they know who Perez Hilton is and I bet they say yes.

Who wants to make a bet with me on Perez taking the open co-host gig? I'll pony up some big money!

Prison Fashionistas

After my lengthy post on the unfairness of Paris Hilton's jail sentence, I thought it was only right to weigh in on the whole Nicole Richie issue. After all, once upon a time they were BFFs. I thought Paris's sentence was cruel and unfair - most similar offenders wouldn't serve any time or if they did serve time, it would be very minimal. Nothing like the 26 days she had to serve. I'm not bitter about it anymore though. I think she came out a better person (repeat: think). She's still Paris Hilton and swarmed by papparazzi every day and a daily news headline but I think she learned her lesson and wants something good to come out of her time in jail.

Nicole Richie I'm not sure i can say the same for. Nicole Richie is a troublemaker. Watch an episode of The Simple Life and you will see that. That girl is waivering on the crazy side. She's always disrespecting people and doing cruel jokes that she thinks is hilarious. She's spiteful. And this isn't the first time she's been in trouble. She's been in rehab for drugs. She's been pulled over for a DWI before this DUI. She was driving down the wrong side of the road. She deserves to be punished. And if she doesn't get more time than Paris then there's something wrong with this world.

Nicole deserves at least twice the time if not more because she's got TWO DUIs. She should be in there a minimum of 52 days. That would serve her right.

I haven't decided if there's any truth to this pregnancy rumor. Judging by the way she's been hiding that belly, I think there just might be. And she truly believes it will get her out of jail time. And it might but it sure isn't fair if it does. That sends the message to other female criminals - get knocked up and you won't have to do the time. Just what we need another unwanted, unloved baby in this world.

I hope Nicole Richie has to serve her time. I have a feeling that she won't be half as regretful as Paris Hilton was. In fact, Nicole Richie will come out spitting nails and hurling accusations.

Countdown to Lindsay Lohan's trail...

Cube Farm Claims Another

An ode to my buddy over at Water the Blog:

A local woman was found dead on Monday afternoon in her cubicle. Apparent cause of death: boredom. Anita Break, 23, was found slumped over her computer keyboard with her iPod still thumping away. Multiple Excel spreadsheets and several technical papers were open on her computer.

Break was heard saying at 1:23, "If I see one more report, I'm going to croak." At 2:24 p.m., she opened an e-mail from co-worker Justin Time with a paper for her editing. The coroner said Break passed away at 2:25.

Justin Time came by at 3 to pick up the edits only to find Break dead. He was distraught to think he was to blame.

"I had no idea she was so bored," he said. "If I had known that, I would have sent her the other report I needed editing - one about the rapid decay of Missouri's caves. She would have loved it and would still be with us today. I guess I'll have to send it to Ryan Tin.

Ryan Tin was later found dead in his cubicle. The coroner is still investigating.

Paris Hilton

I finally decided I need a way to voice my opinion about this whole Paris Hilton debacle. It's really spiraled out of control. Prior to Paris being sentenced to jail, I didn't really care for her. I wouldn't say I hated her but I did not care to follow her or idolize her either.

Since then, it's a whole new story. For some reason her jail sentence made me like her. It's weird I know. She commits a crime and has to go to jail and she becomes one of my new favorite celebs? I've been making the same argument to my fiance for weeks and I think he's sick of hearing it so I thought I'd tell it to someone else. When I'm through, you'll probably be sick of hearing it too (if you aren't already).

First of all, Paris Hilton's sentence was unfair. Yes, she drove drunk. If you can call .08 drunk - that's typically one drink in one hour. I can drink one drink and still be perfectly fine. Then she drove twice on a suspended license. She deserved to be punished. But 45 days in jail? Really? I know a guy who has been arrested 3 times for DWIs; the third time without a license and he spent TWO days in jail. I think his was a little worse. She should have either been put on probation, had to go to a class, done community service and maybe served ONE weekend in jail. Not 23 days. We have far worse criminals in our country that don't do anywhere near that amount of time. I believe the judge and other officials in California who backed it were just trying to make a name for themselves. And they did. Unfortunately for them that name is ASS. I think it's too funny that the city prosecutor weighed in on how Paris should have to do the time and shouldn't be released for electronic monitoring and his wife has commited the same crime TWICE and is still walking. We should start a campaign to lock her up. Maybe I will!

Bottom line- it was an unfair sentence yet Paris dealt with it. She served it. She didn't appeal. She buckled down and sent 23 days in solitary confinement. She's a much stronger woman than I will ever be. For that I have to give her props. And I'm sad to say it but I respect her now. I never though I would say I respect Paris Hilton but I do in this case.

Finally, let's get to the media coverage. I was a journalism major in college so I have studied the media in and out so you could say it's my expertise (although that might be going a little far). Paris Hilton is a huge story. Everyone claims not to like her but she's like a car accident - like it or not you're going to stop and watch. That's why she's been on every channel. She is news. Not the same kind of news as the war in Iraq but news nonetheless. Personally I would much rather here about Paris Hilton than the war in Iraq but that's a whole different blog post.

NBC's Today was willing to pay Paris Hilton $1 million for her first interview according to TMZ.com. Is it ethical for Today to pay for their interviews? No probably not but who can blame Paris for wanting to make a buck out of the whole ordeal? And quite frankly, I want to see it. But then Today got scared and backed off and dumb old Babwa said it was "beneath" her. Paris is beneath her? Rosie O'Donnell made that show nothing but a gossip rag and home of the cat fights. Finally Larry King Live decided to host her and I am glad. I can't wait to watch it tonight. It will be on CNN at 9 et.

Paris Hilton isn't the best person in the world. She may not be the smartest person the nicest person or the sanest person but regardless, she is a person. She's a person who deserves to be treated fairly by the judicial system and everyone else. Just because she's a celebrity doesn't mean she should get 4 or 5 times the normal sentence for a crime. That's just ludicrous!

Go Paris. I'm on your side for once.

Out Cold

And then he did the one thing that could make me melt. He pressed his lips to mine. It was a rough, forceful kiss at first and I did not reciprocate. But then it softened and his tongue slowly flicked in and out of my mouth and before I could control it my tongue entered his mouth.

His kiss softened. My tough exterior evaporated into thin air. Somehow he had pushed his way into the house and had me pressed up against the wall still exploring the depths of my mouth. It was the most intense, amazing kiss I had ever had. And this was a man I had kissed countless times before.

It was only a matter of minutes before he had peeled my clothes off. Goosebumps formed up my legs and on my arms. But I wasn’t cold. I was hotter than I had ever been in my life. My eyes closed and I arched for more. His lips explored down my neck and to my chest.

“What the fuck is going on here?”

I felt his soft lips pull away and I opened my eyes in time to see the awful orange tone of her fist coming straight to my nose. I saw red and gasped to breathe as I felt to the floor.

And then the lights went out.

Confrontation

Just as I had made the decision not to answer the door, his voice came booming through the wooden slab between us.

"Come on. Open up. I know you're in there. I see your car outside and I can hear the tv blaring."

I hadn't thought to mute it.

"Just open the door, Addy."

I conjured up enough nerve finally to open up the door and face him. It was the first time I had seen him since he had left me standing at the altar and it hurt just as much. It was all I could do to fight back the tears.

"What do you want?"

"I want my stuff back. You can't hold it prisoner."

"Did you really think that sending her to pick it up was the best way to do it? Do you know how much seeing her hurt? Are you really that much of an insensitive ass."

"Well, you always did have quite the mouth on you. It always did turn me on," he said. His cocky grin has infiltered its way onto his face and he was moving suspiciously close to me. Too close for comfort.

Usually it was that grin that sent me melting into his arms. But not this time. This time it just pissed me off.

"Why? Just answer me why?"

His smile disappeared. "I don't want to go there. Can't we just both agree that it's over and I come in and get my stuff and leave?"

"No, we can't. It's not over. Not for me. We were getting married and then you completely blindside me. On our wedding day. At the altar. In front of everyone. How could you? I think I deserve an explanation."

"I gave you one."

"No, you didn't. I'm sorry. I can't. I am in love with and having a baby with another woman is not an explanation. Not one that explains anything to me or helps me to understand how this happens."

"Just let me get my stuff." He tried to move by me and I slammed my arm out to block his path.

"NO. You're not getting by me until you explain."

3 Things...

I interrupt this short story to bring you 3 Things...we will return to regular programming momentarily.

Yay! A meme.I was tagged by paleorange.blogspot.com

3 Things I am scared of:
1. Snakes (and I saw two over the weekend…AHHH!)
2. car accidents
3. getting cancer

3 People that Make me Laugh:
1. my fiance
2. Dwight from The Office (Jim too but he makes me melt first)
3. my nephews

3 Things I Love:
1. My fiane
2. my family
3. celebrity gossip

3 Things I Hate:
1. working full-time
2. know it alls
3. spinach

3 Things I Don’t Understand:
1. politics
2. how some people become famous and I can’t be
3. meaning of life

3 Things On My Desk:
1. lots and lots of paper
2. pictures
3. lotion

3 Things I am Doing Right Now:
1. this meme
2. listening to people talk
3. wishing I hadn’t already drank all of my soda

3 Things I Want To Do Before I Die:
1. travel the world
2. have it “all” – success, love, family
3. win the lottery

3 Things I Can Do:
1. write
2. pitch a softball
3. find good deals

3 Things I Can’t Do:
1. anything musical
2. stay awake at the movie theater
3. touch my toes with OR without bending my legs

3 Things You Should Listen To:
1. your voice mail
2. your mother
3. your boss

3 Things You Should Never Listen To:
1. weather forecasters
2. foul language
3. lies

3 Things I’d Like To Learn:
1. How to play the stock market
2. the secret of life
3. how to make a million dollars

3 Favorite Foods:
1. ice cream
2. potatoes
3. chicken

3 Shows I Watched As A Kid:
1. Saved by the Bell
2. The Little Mermaid
3. Boy Meets World

Locks

The next day I called the maintenance man and had him come over to change the locks. After explaining the situation, he was more than happy to oblige.

I finally felt like attempting to go to work but I realized that it was Saturday and the office would be closed. I really had been in my own world these last few weeks.

Oh well. I’m sure there was a great Saturday movie on AMC. I slumped back onto the couch, picked up the remote and turned to the channel. It was an old favorite, The Breakfast Club with Molly Ringwald. Emilio Estevez was talking about duct taping a guy in the locker room when I heard a key in the door.

The key went in; it jiggled a few times; and then I heard it pulled out again and nothing Ten seconds later the key went in again; it was jiggled; the door knob was turned and nothing. It was still locked. Who could that be now, I wondered. I jumped off the couch and went to the front door. I peered through the peep hole and my breath caught in my throat. I gasped.

I could feel my heart start to race. The anger was boiling up inside of me. I took a breath. I took another one. I counted to ten. And then I heard a knock. One knock, two knocks, three knocks. I started to unlock the door but then realized that I just wasn’t ready. I couldn’t open it yet. I hadn’t figured out what I would say yet. I hadn’t written a gut-wrenching speech. I hadn’t prepared myself.

But worst of all, I hadn’t showered in days and I was still in the pajamas I had slept in last night. I lifted my arm to smell my pits. My assumption was right. They reaked. As the knocks got more persistent and much louder, I debated on whether to open the door and let all hell break loose or to slump back to the couch and hide away for another couple of days.

An Unwanted Intruder

That was when I heard a key turn in the doorknob. Someone was coming in whether I liked it or not. He was the only one who had the key and I knew he would never be coming through that door again. The door swung open and there she stood. The Devil in Fake Prada.

“Oh. Um. Well. I didn’t think you were here so I let myself in.”

“What the hell are you doing here? And where did you get a key?”

“Brad gave it to me. He wanted me to come by and pick up some of his things. We thought you would be at work. I can come back another time.”

“No, you won’t. Give me the damn key.”

I jumped off the couch and sprinted toward her. She tried to turn around but the heel of her fake Minnolos caught in the carpet and she fell over landing on her butt. I tried to stifle it but couldn’t and let out a devilish laugh. I reached down and pried the key out of her hand. She covered her face with her hand and winced.

“Please don’t punch me. I just got my nose done.”

The thought hadn’t crossed my mind until she said that but suddenly it didn’t sound like such a bad idea. Maybe a fist in the nose was just exactly what would make me feel better. I thought about it for a moment before finally deciding against it. By now, The Devil was standing up and brushing herself off.

“I think you should get the hell out of my house before I do something I might regret. Like say murder you.”

“I just need to get a couple of his things and I’ll be gone,” she said as she started up the stairs.

I grabbed her by her shirt tail.

“Oh no you don’t. You’re not taking a step further. This is my house and all the belongings in this house now belong to me. Hightail it out of here before I have you arrested for burglary.”

“I had a key. It’s not burglary if I have a key.”

“We’ll see what the cops have to say about that.” I picked up the phone and started to dial 911. “You have 5 seconds.”

“But…”

“Four seconds…”

She stared at me; I stared at her with my finger to the digits. She finally walked back to the door and started to leave.

“This isn’t over," she said.

“Damn right it isn’t.”

Revisions

The more I edit my book, the most I dislike it. I keep coming up with ideas of ways it could have been better if only I could do it over. I need to write. Editing is not my passion. Writing is. So I've decided to start writing a little story once a week just for fun. It probably won't make any sense or maybe it will. Who knows.


After several days of rain, the sun had finally decided to show its face again. I had thought about venturing out but then had reconsidered. I hadn't been outside in over two weeks. Why start now? I had finally turned my cell phone on yesterday and tried to call the voicemail but hung up after I heard 'You have 97 new messages'. I hadn't had 97 messages cumulative the entire time I had owned my phone. It proved my theory that no one ever called unless you weren't in the mood to talk.

I hadn't bothered calling in sick to work. I hoped they would understand. Who was I kidding? They had probably already sent me my walking papers. I wouldn't know though since I hadn't checked my mailbox. By now, they had probably hired some bubbly little girl straight out of college with an 'I can do anything better than you' attitude. What did I care? Work was the last thing I wanted to do.

I had watched enough of the Young & the Restless to feel like I lived in Genoa City. Their drama had become mine as I became engrossed in their crazy lives. One thing was for sure if I was writing for the soap, the storyline would be a lot better.

For the first few days, someone had kept coming to my door trying to get me to open up. I didn't. My family lived too far away so I knew it couldn't be them. Knowing my mom she had called the landlord or a local friend to have them come "check" up on me as she would have put it. I didn't need checking up on. I could tell her that. I was fine. Just fine. And no one would know any different.

Sports and Skirts

My fiance and I are trying something new. He wanted us to start a blog where we pick a subject and both talk about it so we can see the differences between girls and guys think and hear the male and female perspective on a subject.

You can check out our new blog by going to sportsandskirts.blogspot.com! Our first post is Top 3 Sitcom Stupid Husbands and Bitchy Wives. Enjoy. :)

Aspirations

Dreams are good to have. They keep you grounded; they give you something to work towards; they make every day worth living. I used to dream of being an actress, a singer, a beautiful celebrity - unfortunately none of those dreams were realistic for me. But those dreams weren't real. They were more fantasies.

I am well on my way to feeling very accomplished. I have a college degree, a good job and an amazing fiance who will soon be my husband. It would be very easy to feel content. While I think content is a good feeling, I don't think it's good to ever feel completely content. Once you get content, you get lazy and there's nothing left to aspire to.

It's easy to feel knocked down and to feel like my dream is too hard to achieve but I know they are not. They are well in my grasp. They are not easy to achieve but that doesn't not make them unachievable. It will just take hard work and a lot of determination. It will be the hardest thing I have ever done but at the same time it will be the most rewarding.

Just imagine: Veeba, NY Times Best Selling Author!

What kind of world do we live in?

I have to say that I am very saddened by the events that took place yesterday at Virginia Tech. I usually try to keep my blog from being so serious but it’s hard to do that when massacres like the one that happened yesterday occur. It opens your eyes to what a scary world this can be.

My heart goes out to students, friends, family and anyone else directly involved with the Virginia Tech shootings. I think the whole world is praying for you right now. This was a terrible tragedy that has shaken the entire country.

You always think this could never happen to me or to my school but the truth is that it could. I am sure Virginia Tech was saying the same thing just two days ago and now it has happened to them of mass proportions. It’s a sick world out there. Events like Columbine, the Amish schoolhouse shooting and Virginia Tech remind you just how sick people can be.

I’ve never understood how someone can justify taking another person’s life. It happens more and more every day and it scares me. It scares us all. I think it’s time we all open our eyes and realize that there are no guarantees for tomorrow.

I think this quote puts it best:

Work like you don't need money
Love like you've never been hurt
And dance like no one's watching

Ouch

It's Friday and normally I would be very happy to hear that but today I have a problem that threatens to ruin my weekend. I think I have a tooth abcess or whatever the hell they are called. My left cheek is swollen and I have a nasty lump that I can feel along my jaw line. It's freaking me out.

I get a little stressed when I get things wrong with me and tend to think the worst. I would say I was a hypochondriac except it usually just so happens that the things I think are wrong with me really are! I thought something was terribly wrong with my back in high school but my family doctor just kept telling me I had a "weak" back and to go to physical therapy. He was wrong. I had a herniated disc that required surgery. Had he caught it earlier I might have been able to control the pain with steroid shots and not have required surgery.

My first though whenever something is wrong is always crazy. Oh my god it's cancer. It's meningitis. This sneeze means I have pneumonia. Usually not the case but with my history it's better to be safe than sorry. A $25 doctor's visit is cheaper than chemotherapy or expensive surgery and eases my mind!

I realized last night that I'm starting to rub off on my fiance. Last night when he came home from work he made me feel a place on his head. He was convinced he had a brain tumor. Upon further investigation of the spot, it appeare he had been bitten by something. (I secretly cheered because our house has a spider problem and he always laughs at me because I wake up every morning with a new spider bite and he hadn't had a single one until then.)

My mom always said I should marry a doctor but I'm not. She always laughed and said I should be a research guinea pig so they could use me as a test case because the doctors never can figure out what the heck is wrong with me until they've ran every test imagineable. I don't know how I feel about people poking and prodding on me though!

For now, I'm stuck wondering what this damn lump is...

Martini Monday=Terrible Tuesday

What do one, two, three martinis do to a working girl? Make a fun Monday night and a really crappy Tuesday morning. I am suffering the effects of a hangover and I forgot just how NOT fun they are.

It's been awhile since I've drank on a weeknight. In fact, I rarely drink on weekends lately. However, with a friend in town night, we decided to paint the town red. It all started out with just one drink and a bite to eat and ended....well, I can't remember how it ended.

Okay, I'm lying there. I wasn't that bad but I was definitely tipsy and I felt the effects this morning. I debated calling in sick (technically I was) but decided to tough it out. Not sure why - maybe to teach myself a lesson and not reward myself for my own stupidity.

Pink Panther, Strawberry Starburst, Flirtini, Cosmopolitan - they must be foreign for "You're going to feel really bad tomorrow." Oh so right you are!

Wedding Waste

$11,500

 

That's how much my wedding is going to cost me.

 

It's ridiculous. I know. I have tried and tried to keep the cost to the minimum but it still will easily exceed $10,000. I picked a small town because prices are cheaper there. I am not doing any extra stuff nor have I planned anything elaborate. I have only the basics. And as I write this, I just realized that I did not include flowers in this price which could easily cost me another $500.

 

That chunk of money is money that could be going toward a downpayment on a house. That is money that could be put toward our retirement. That is money that could be saved for our children's college fund. That is money that could be used for a lot of things that we don't currently have. After all, we are 23-year-olds starting our lives with a negative net worth (thanks to student loans).

 

The average cost of weddings today is over $20,000 so my wedding is even cheap in comparison but I still think $11,000 is way too much money to be spending on ONE day of our life. It makes me sick to think of all the wonderful ways I could spend that money if it wasn't going toward my wedding. To be fair, I am not paying for my wedding in entirety. Both my parents and my fiance's parents are chipping to take some of the burden off of us. However, my fiance figured up last night how much money the wedding would cost us and it came to over $5,000. Of course a large chunk of this money includes the honeymoon and our wedding bands but still this is too much money! 

 

I would like to just forego the whole thing and put that money in a Roth IRA or my 401K or a CD or just put it towards a downpayment on a house. But instead it's going toward one day - granted it is supposed to be the most important day of my life and I am very excited about it - but still it's one day. And I certainly don't make that kind of money in one day! I've finally resolved to forget about what it's costing me and all the stress of it all and just enjoy it because I certainly hope this is the only wedding I'm ever going to have and I want it to be unforgettable. So now I'm looking forward to the wedding but not nearly as much as I'm looking forward to the honeymoon!! Woohoo. 

Down but Not Out

It's Thursday and we all know what that means - it's almost the weekend!! I, for one, could not be any happier. It's been a long week to say the least. I've thought it was Friday all day but at least Friday is in sight. The week wasn't bad, just a little stressful. I had a big problem with one of my projects that led me to have a major freakout but luckily it was quickly handled and corrected. It was stressful but was a valuable experience in problem-solving.

 

I went bowling last night. I love all things sports related. I had the highest bowling score for the girls the first and last game but sucked it up in the middle. I tend to have an issue staying focused. However, since it was four couples and we combined couple scores we came in dead last each time. How does that work? My fiance was low scorer among the boys every game. He really doesn't suck though! He was just playing against some hella bowlers! One even brought his own ball and shoes. Now you know that is a seasoned bowler.

 

Plans for the weekend don't amount to much. Might be hitting up the future hubby's hometown. I wasn't excited at first - not that I don't like visiting his parents but sometimes I just like to stay at home and relax. Now I'm glad to be going because we can do wedding stuff, like talk to the tux shop and meet the preacher (if he is even doing my wedding - right now he hasn't confirmed!), talk to his parents about some issues and ideas. Wedding planning definitely keeps me busy!

 

Aside from that - not a whole lot to report except IT'S FINALLY FRIDAY...almost!

AI Oh My!

I have to comment on the craziness that is American Idol. If you're not watching it, you should be. I know a lot of people hate it and think it is the devil but I don't understand that thought process. The show helps people go on to live their dream and hooks them up with a killer recording contract. What is evil about that? Nothing in my book.

I hate to plug the site but there's a Web site called Vote For the Worst that picks the worst contestant each week and asks people to call in and vote for them. Apparently last week the site had 4 million hits. I think that does well to explain why Sanjaya is still in the competition despite his terrible performances week after week (he is currently the Vote For The Worst pick – I believe Taylor Hicks was last season but don't quote me on that).

I'm sorry but Sanjaya is terrible. TERRIBLE. When I watch him, I'm humiliated for him. It's to the point where I can't even figure out how he even made it past his first audition. His voice sounds like awful karaoke singing. I think he seems like a cute kid and a genuinely nice guy but this is a singing competition and he can't sing!

Granted I don't always vote for the best singer. I occasionally vote on looks too or personality or just my personal preference. In the first season I liked Kelly Clarkson (and still do). In Carrie's season I liked Carrie (and still do). Last season I loved Chris Daughtry (his CD rocks!) and Katharine McPhee. I wasn't a big fan of Taylor Hicks. So who am I digging and dialing for this season? Gina Glocksen. I've voted for her every week. She's not the best singer. I agree with that but I like her and I can't explain why. Maybe I'll change my mind but for now I'll keep voting. I also love Blake Lewis because he is different – he is not a cookie cutter singer. He has his own unique style.

Who are you voting for? Please tell me it's not Sanjaya…

Monday Fun Day

No I am not crazy – the headline is a joke. Monday is never a fun day. In fact, Monday is the worst day of the week. After sleeping in and lounging on the couch all weekend, my alarm rings at the crack of dawn for me to get up, get dressed up and head to work. As if that’s not bad enough, my Mondays are always full of meetings that packs my head full of useless crap.

I e-mail my friend on Monday mornings with the same first line. It’s Monday – only 4 more days until the weekend – let the countdown begin! It’s sad I know but it’s the only thing I have to look forward to. What really sucks is that we have to work 5 days a week and only get 2 days to relax. I could use just a little more R&R than that.

In case you were wondering which I’m sure you weren’t, my weekend was good. I went shopping which is one of my favorite activities. I bought the cutest dress for my rehearsal dinner. Now if I could just get the stupid rehearsal dinner planned – oh yeah and the rest of the wedding. No, I didn’t accomplish anything over the weekend. I am the queen of procrastination.

Hope everyone has a great week. Countdown with me…5…4…

More wedding drama

TGIF!! Woohoo. I could not be more excited to spend the weekend relaxing and hanging with my favorite man. We don't have any exciting plans for St. Patty's Day but just spending time with him excites me enough! It's been a long week and I am very tired.

The wedding plans are still not moving along. We ran into some drama last night with the plans. My future hubby's family was none too happy that I am not having his little sis stand up with me. How they know this I'm not sure since I haven't told them anything about who I picked to be my bridesmaids. And furthermore, I considered having her stand up with me and my fiance didn't think it was necessary. His sister is a good 8 years younger than us so they were never really close growing up. She is going to be in our wedding but as a guest book attendant. Drama drama drama.

This added drama just pushes me one step forward to wanting to fly away and get married in some tropical destination, just the 2 of us where it will be drama free. We'll see if that happens.

Did I mention it's Friday??? Woohoo!

The March Blues

54 days away from my next work holiday and counting...

March and April really suck when you're a so-called grown-up and work for a living. There isn't a single holiday or day off thrown in there to give us hard working people a break from work. I have been working for about 10 months now and this is the first time that I have become restless and depressed with the endless saga of work.

It's not that I'm unsatisfied because my work is fine as usual. It's just that I need a break. Sure, I have earned time off but I'm saving it. Why? Because I'm getting married in nine months and I'm going to need it and furthermore, I'm a female who could end up pregnant one of these days and need oh say 6 weeks off and I don't want to have to take it unpaid.

My fiance has been getting the worst of my attitude. I go home from work tired and grouchy and I take it out on him. It's stressful to say the least. Somehow I have to figure out how to shake myself out of these March blues because if I don't, April blues are going to hit me like a giant sack of bricks.

Somebody help! What are the best way to ease the working woman (or man) blues?

Everything is Harder Than It Looks

Mood right now: I just wanna cry

I want to be a writer but not just any old writer - I want to be an author. I want to be an author and I'm sick of just saying that and saying eventually I want to be an author. Eventually might not ever come unless I buckle down right now and try hard to make "eventually" right now. I have composed my first completed novel. I finished it in November - November 30 to be exact. Where is it now? Sitting at home on a jump drive waiting to be edited.

Today I decided that it was time that I jump in head first and pursue my lifelong dream of being an author. It's time to dust off that old memory stick, put it in my computer and start editing. Today I also started researching possible agents to query on my novel. This is the most intimidating thing to me for some reason. I have become a regular reader of misssnark.blogspot.com where an agent answers aspiring author's questions and discusses issues she regularly sees with query letters, manuscript and people. I often find myself falling into the trap she warns her young snarklings against. This terrifies me. Furthermore, today while researching one of the agents I'm considering querying I ran upon her blog. As I read one of her entries, she said there is nothing she hates more than a fiction author who claims that the manuscript is her true story. One line in my already penned query letter says: I AM my nagging, scheming main character. Oops. Already received a no from her without even submitting it unless I revise my query letter (which obviously I will).

Don't get me wrong - I am not going to give up on pursuing my dream of becoming an author. It's always been my dream and until I die I don't plan on giving up on that. I want to be an author. I will be an author. The process is just going to be a lot harder than I ever imagined. I'm not lucky enough to be one of those regular people who has an agent or editor or publishing house just wander onto her blog and fall in love with her flair for writing and insist on signing this blogger to a book deal here and now (yes this really does happen and I know a person it did happen to). Unfortunately that person wasn't me and it's never going to be.

In order to make this particular dream come true, I'm going to have to work hard and I'm going to have to become hardened. I've never taken criticism well and I don't expect this to be any different. If I query 50 agents and they all turn me down, I am going to cry. I am going to be devastated. I am going to want to give up. But I can't. I know that I can't. And I refuse to let myself. I just have to continue to pursue my dream. Sometimes pursuing your dreams can be a tough road to haul!

Hey, baby, Let's go to Vegas

One day I am stoked about planning my wedding in the town my fiance grew up and the next I'm freaked out about the whole idea and really just want to run off to Hawaii or Vegas or somewhere and elope. It's confusing to say the least.

I go dress shopping and I'm excited to find the perfect dress. I go look at churche and I love the church and can't wait to get married there. I get excited about the reception and the midnight balloon drop and throwing a great party.

And then there's the other side of me. The side that is afraid that people are going to crash the party that I don't like. The side that hated prom and everything that went with. The side that doesn't even care anything about the whole wedding ceremony. The side of me that wants to run away and do it all alone in Hawaii or Mexico with just me and Lee. To be honest, that's the side the most often wins out.

So why bother? Why have the big wedding? I guess you could say part of me still wants that. Part of me wants mine and his family and friends to be there to share that special day. Part of me wants the big tadoo where I am center of attention. Part of me wants the big wedding. The other part of me - the part that is louder most days - doesn't. That part of me is doing it because everyone expects me to have the big wedding. They want to share part of my big day.

I understand this but isn't this my day? Shouldn't I do what I want? And deep down what I really want is to run away with the man I love and get married on a beach underneath the sunset next to the beautiful ocean!

Is Upper Class Status Unattainable?

My fiance asked me last n ight how we were going to become wealthy and I replied we are already wealthy because we have each other. That was not the answer he was looking for. He wanted to know how we are going to go about becoming filthy, stinking rich. Unfortunately to this question, I didn't have an answer.

We both have good jobs where we make decent salaries - we are by no means lower class - some where in the middle of upper and lower probably more lower middle since we are both fresh out of college with a decent amount of student loans. By way of college students, however, we're both doing okay. We only have a small amount of student loan and neither have car loans or credit card debt. In this day and age, that's pretty remarkable. Yet to him being lower middle or even middle middle is not living the American Dream.

He is always coming up with The Next Big Idea that is going to make us millions. Usually it's a little late in the game and the idea has already been executed by some other genius who made a cool mil. Sometimes his ideas are fresh and good but we have no idea how to go about executing them. How exactly did those geniuses who made the cool mil do it?

I know we still have plenty of time to move up on the career ladder and make larger salaries but even at the top of that ladder looking down I still don't think we will be what my fiance would define as 'wealthy'. I am an author but even if (hopefully when) I get my first book published we still aren't going to be wealthy - I'm not even sure we would be if it was a NY Times Bestseller. Possible but still not very likely.

So how are we going to do it? I don't know yet. But we're open to suggestions.

A Novel Journey

Book ideas - you never know when they might strike. I had a brilliant one today on my lunch break. Who knew a deli sandwich could be so enlightening? No, my book is not about a deli sandwich. I'm not that terrible of an author.

For those of you who care (and those who don't), my first book is complete and I am drafting a query letter to send to agents to see if they are interested. I am also in the process of editing my novel. It's very overwhelming and a lot of work but it's a very exciting journey.

It has long been my dream to be a published author and hopefully - if my book doesn't suck - that will happen. I know that my query letter/novel might very well be rejected by every single agent I pitch it to. I know this is probably more likely than unlikely but it's still a very exhilarating experience.

I know that no matter what I can't give up. I have to keep chasing my dream. Writing is my passion and even if I never make a single dollar off of it, I plan to continue to pursue it with everything I have.

Wish me luck as I enter chapter 2 of my novel journey!! See ya on the flip side!

Cuz I Had a Bad Day

Because you had a bad day
You're taking one down
You sing a sad song just to turn it around
You say you don't know
You tell me don't lie
You work at a smile and you go for a ride
You had a bad day
The camera don't lie
You're coming back down and you really don't mind
You had a bad day
You had a bad day

Do you ever have those days where you feel like punching the first person to invade your space just a little too much? Those days where you're pissed off at the world for no apparent reason. Days where you can't seem to shake that nagging feeling that life sucks. Where the world is spinning too fast and you are moving too slow.

Well, I'm having one of those days. I woke up on what I would consider the "right" side of the bed. Hell, logistically it WAS the right side of the bed. Yet before I knew it my day had gone to ordinary to shitty for no apparent reason.

It could be that I actually had to do work at work. Or it could be that I didn't get to spend the day cuddling with my boyfriend. Or it could be that I'm freezing my ass off and no one else is even the slightest bit cold. Yeah none of them reasons seem to reason a crappy a** day. Yet, here I am pissed off.

I think it's winter. I hate winter. It's so darn cold that I can't even stand to go outside. Not to mention that my downstairs at my house is freezing too because the heat doesn't work right. Oh no, there's no problem, according to my rental management. Sure. It's perfectly normal for it to be 50 degrees downstairs and 85 upstairs. Nothing strange about that.

Yes, you could say I'm in a bad mood but to be honest, venting really does help. Hooray for reactivating my blog!

Work vs School: Which Trumps Which?

Seems I've had this debate over and over again in the last six months or so. Having just graduated from college in May, I entered what so many call "the real world". Unlike others my age, I did not fear the real world but instead welcomed it. School had never been my forte - it had come too easy to me. I spent very little time on any of my classes and yet graduated with honors. How, you might ask? Skill I say, skill! Oh and a whole lot of brains... No not to be too conceited..back on subject!

My fiance (that still sounds so weird) graduated from college in December and began his so-called career on Friday. He is still in the transition phase. Once again last night over drinks and basketball at a local bar, the subject of work versus school: which trumps which came up? So I'm going to do my best to capture the pros and cons of each and come to a well-educated decision. First things first, school!

SCHOOL (and by school I mean college):
Pros:

• You only go to class usually about 12-18 hours per week depending on your course load.
• Some days you don't even have class
• Often when you do, it doesn't start until 9, 10, 11, 12 or if you're really lucky (or lazy), later!
• You get Thanksgiving Break, Christmas Break, summer break and the VERY VERY fun spring break (I should know I've done the Panama City thing).
• If you want to skip class, there's nothing stopping you and in fact, if your university is big enough, no one will even know.
• You can't be fired (but you can flunk out - I guess this would be a con).
• Endless frat parties, trips to the party and raging keggers and no one looks at you funny when you show up.

Cons:

• You don't get paid.
• In fact, not only do you not get paid but you pay to go.
• You don't always have weekends free or weeknights for that matter - they are often spent studying.
• After several years of hard work, you can flunk out and have nothing to show for your time or money except a few credit hours without a degree.
• Tests, tests and more tests.
• Unless your parents are helping out, you're probably working to pay your way through or even if they are you're working for beer money.
• At the end, there's an oh so large student loan bill with your name on it.

WORK

Pros:

• Earned Time Off, Vacation or whatever they call it - If you don't feel like going, don't!
• Benefits: Health Insurance, 401K, Dental, Life, whatever..the point is you're covered.
• 8-5 with a one hour lunch break.
• Weekends off.
• Paycheck, paycheck, PAYCHECK!
• All major and some not so major holidays off!
• You don't have to think about/or do work on weeknights or weekends. Can we say FREE WEEKENDS??

Cons:

• Monday through Friday 8-5 - it never fails.
• If you're not productive, you can get canned.
• Bosses and more bosses.
• Taxes - social security, state tax, federal tax, can you take any more of my money?
• Cubicle hell

Okay so let me tally up the results...math is not my strong suit so give me a few minutes....

....

....

School: 7 to 7 - they cancel each other out

Work: 7 to 5 - equaling 2 for the PROS side...Yay, work wins and I forgot to even mention money in your bank account. Yay!

I'm sure I missed some so you tell me: what are the pros and cons associated with school and work from your eyes?

He'll be coming around the mountain when he comes...

I could not be a military wife, girlfriend, mother, friend. It wouldn't work. I have come to that realization after spending 3 weeks away from my fiance. He has been on vacation in Australia since Christmas and is returning this evening. I can't wait to see him. It's been awful not having him here with me.

I have experienced what would happen if I was a military wife before. When I was 19, my boyfriend at the time enlisted in the National Guard. He left for the summer to go to boot camp and during that time I fell out of love with him. At first I missed him and it was hard but gradually I began to forget about him and his calls became more of an annoyance than a job. At the beginning I waited by the phone for his call. At the end, he was lucky if I even took the call. The day after he came back, I broke his heart. I still don't know if he's ever forgiven me.

Don't worry - there's no danger of that happening with my new fiance. I still love him and missed him terribly while he was gone and can't wait for him to return. However, I did notice that the more days that went by the less I thought about him (but I still thought about him lots).

I just think it would be hard to have your husband be gone for months, years at a time. At some point you have to stop yourself from thinking about him, relying on him and become more independent. You become a singular unit instead of this collective Mr. and Mrs. And at some point when he returns he throws your whole life out of whack. You have someone who you have to call if you're going to be late, you have someone you have to consult before making decisions. It's just different.

With that being said, I am so thankful that my fiance is not in the military. Don't get me wrong I would be extremely proud of him and support him wholly, it would just be hard and I don't think I'm cut out for that. I give props to the countless women (and men) who do it every day.

Bling Bling

For those of you who started reading my blog over a year and a half ago, the day you never thought would happen has finally came. I am ENGAGED complete with a sparkling diamond ring.

In a move that took me by complete surprise, my boyfriend of two years proposed to me on Sunday, December 17. It was the most romantic proposal and he had done a lot of planning to make it special and it truly was. He graduated from college and the following day he proposed to me. Later when talking to his family he told them that he got two really great things this weekend: a college degree and as of ten minutes ago, a fiancé. It was amazing to hear him call me his fiancé.

The crazy thing was that he had the ring for three months before proposing just waiting until the perfect time to do it. He wanted it to be a surprise and a special moment that I would remember forever. He accomplished that. I could not love my future husband anymore than I do!

Now that I’m engaged the wedding planning begins and to tell you the truth, I wasn’t prepared for what this entailed. I thought it would be fun and easy. I was wrong. It’s overwhelming. It’s tiring. It’s stressful. Most of all, it’s just not me. I don’t like doing it. I am torn on whether to have the big tadoo or fly across the ocean and tie the knot there.

On one hand, I want my family and friends to all be there to witness the special moment in our lives. I want to have a big fun reception where we can party and celebrate this momentous occasion. On the other hand, I don’t want to put in the work to have a big tadoo. I’ve always wanted to get married in a gazebo by water and if I went to Hawaii or Mexico or Jamaica, I could do just that. On the downside: all my family and friends would get to witness it. On the even further downhill side, I wouldn’t get as many presents. Yes, I am greedy.

What to do, what to do? I have no idea. I guess I’ll probably do the big wedding since that is what my fiancé wants and deep down what I really want to. At least I have a year to plan this wedding. We’re getting married next New Year’s Eve. It should be quite a celebration. A countdown to the rest of our lives…the clock starts now!